Celebrity Masterchef

"Yak Off with Gregg Wallace and John Torode"

from Newsjack in BOOK 12.

GREGG WALLACE: Let’s have a conversation about Rolf Harris’s cooking.

JOHN TORODE: Yeah. The Beans.

GREGG WALLACE: They were gluggy, they were gloopy, they were gloppy…

JOHN TORODE: With a beans dish, one has to use Heinz.

GREGG WALLACE: Ab-so-lutely. Yet we have a guy here who starts off with economy beans, mashes them to a pulp with a fork, zaps them in the mike until they bubble like crazy, adds a heap of chilli powder, then pours it out all over the toast like pigswill.

JOHN TORODE: His toast was terrible.

GREGG WALLACE: His toast was unbearable. It was soft, it was soppy, it was soggy…

JOHN TORODE: I’ve never seen someone use so much margarine to butter a couple of pieces of bread.

GREGG WALLACE: He asked me for another tub! I thought he’d lost the first one! Unbelievable.

JOHN TORODE: Okay. What about Titchmarsh’s treacle cake.

GREGG WALLACE: It was gummy, it was gluey, it was gooey… I thought my teeth weren’t going to make it through my one and only bite. I could literally feel them melting on the spot.

JOHN TORODE: He used too much cane sugar, he used too much caster sugar, he used too much beet sugar. The man knows nothing about sugar.

GREGG WALLACE: I was practically reaching for my phone to book the dentist.

JOHN TORODE: My skin broke out in spots just looking at it.

GREGG WALLACE: If he seriously thinks that anybody could possibly ever sit through that dish and still have a single tooth left in their head, then he needs some professional help.

JOHN TORODE: Agreed.