After Blowout

I’ve had my blowout; the world is now a different place. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t. There’s always time to change though. It’s not all it’s cracked out to be. Nothing lasts and everything soon shall pass. It’s taken a valuable three days of recovery away from me. And it has made writing this blog post harder than it should be. I’ve just been to attend a SMART group at Pathways only to find out that I’ve mixed up my times, and it isn’t on. Which brings me here earlier than I ought to be. I haven’t blogged since last Sunday, when a date with a porn star seemed heavenly. Now, it feels a bit hellish. Isn’t it amazing how plastic the mind is, how it wants one thing at one time and then another thing at another time?

I failed to read my bible once the deed was done, so I missed out on God talking to me. I’ll be reading a bit of it later. I’m currently on Ecclesiastes, the wisdom writings of the Old Testament. At the moment it is saying that basically everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I like it. It’s different to anything else in the bible. King Solomon had it all but thought nothing of it. They say he was the wisest man in the world.

I hate the fact that it makes talking to my White Voider feel like a chore. I should be happy here, sharing with you, I should be buzzing; opposed to that, I feel slightly down in the dumps. The comedown from all that coke on the brain and the nervous system is bound to make me feel like that, I suppose. What goes up must come down. It’s a side-effect of fighting all these dark forces I’m up against.

The only thing I regret about blowing out is the psychosis I discover myself involved in when it’s over. If it wasn’t for that I’d have no issues with being an addict. But this mental-in-the-membrane madness has to go, I have to put it behind me. And that means stopping, once and for all. I’ll be okay in a couple of weeks, this gloominess will be like a distant memory. It’s a journey, life is, not a race. I know from experience how things usually turn out. The main thing is that I’m not afraid. I’ve curtailed my fear. For years I was spooked out, running around in circles in the middle of the night, scared of my own shadow. But that was when I was Godless.

I always try and write at least 500 words in one of these posts. I’m currently struggling to achieve that at this present time. It’s a difficult day. I slept most of yesterday. Hopefully I’ll be back bigger and better tomorrow. There’s no way I’m giving up on you. You are one of the main things I have in my life. So stay tuned for the improvement about to come from around the corner. And if I fail to improve, and sink deeper into this chaos, then at least it’s not the end of the world, is it? You’re still there, doing fine. I hope.