Why Do I Have To Wake Up?

Well I achieved my goal of 28 Days clean just gone last week and threw it all away instantly like a dirty dishcloth. I thought to myself: I’ve accomplished it now, what’s the point of carrying on? Instead of pushing on forward, I cached in on my wank bank.

The pornographic images that flashed in, and that I acted on, were reminiscent of beautiful. That’s what the stars look like after a month of abstinence. They are so seductive and beguiling and captivating and all the rest of it. I was excited into getting to know them once again, after absence had made the heart grow fonder.

It turned onto a dark path however. I found myself fapping to things I did not want to. The shame and guilt for a day or two has been quite unreal. Now, though, I’m happy to say, I’m over it! I went to church, a nice C of E meeting, on the Sunday, and opened my heart to God. I’ve even seen two red-breast robins since. In certain circles, whenever you see a robin, it means that that is God making himself visible to the human eye. I whole-heartedly believe it. Do you think that other ugly birds, like crows, pick on them? Just a thought.

But yeah, I was questioning my own morality at one point. How can a nice guy fap to such stuff? It’s impossible. So now I am truly sorry and clinging to Precious, the woman under my floorboards, as if she is going out of fashion. I think I’ve failed her now, it’s too late to claw any love back, but I’ll always hold her tight against my heart. I’m empathically regretful of what I do. One day, I’d like to change. That day is now, hopefully. Let’s get back on the saddle and try again.

I went to a bible study last night, with Tom and Alex and Jessica and Sid and Kaylee. Kaylee is from the states, it was so nice to hear a female American accent. I didn’t pray openly like some of them did, but I am thinking about opening my mouth when it comes to the point of overtly praying for each other. At the moment I feel too embarrassed to speak, but I think I'm getting over it. Just a quick soulful prayer to God from the heart, honest and simple, is all that is needed.

The assassin creature came back in a way, after my latest use-up. Things were rather bad, but I’m getting on top of it again. I see myself as walking around in a dream state lately, what with all this stuff going on in my head, like women under the floorboards and monsters under the bed. It’s the only way I can see myself as being to cope with the situation. My astral life is off the hook, I was crying my eyes out to Natalie Portman in a dream last night asking her why do I have to wake up? Sad, ain’t it? And magical.