This is the tale of a
quarter dozen sticks. That’s three, if you’re thick. The first one involves a
guy I beat up in school. We used to play this game called Zulu, where I was the
Zulu getting hunted by everyone else, and we all threw sticks and stones at each
other. Myself and this other guy took it a bit too far and ended up getting
into a personal vendetta. I remember staying outside one dinner time and still
twatting him as everyone else was settling back into their fourth period. There
was only me and him left, and I distinctly remember winning. Went back in,
carried on with the day, and thought nothing else of it. Until the next
morning. The next morning, as I prepared to leave for school, he was waiting at
my front gate with his big brother. His big brother had a big stick. I was
trapped in the house. I had no big brother myself, no Dad, and my mum was still
in bed. If I had had any sense I would have snuck out the back, but I think I
went out to them and faced the music. I don’t remember getting boshed, so I
must have talked myself out of it. Still, I was scared.
I recall years later hanging
outside an off-license – this is like a scene from Benny Hill, this is. All of
a sudden a tall lanky lad runs past us with his top off, wielding a big stick in
his hand, chasing a shorter bloke up and and out of sight. Me and my mates just
look at each other as to say what the hell? Two minutes later the tall lanky
lad comes back the way he had come, pegging it for his life, chased by the
shorter bloke, who now had the stick. It was funny as. It was like being on the
set of a sketch show. Talk about role reversal. The shorter bloke must have
wrestled the stick off him around the corner and took the advantage. One minute
the tall lanky lad is doing the chasing and the next he’s been chased himself.
You couldn’t make it up. Finally, I remember
Wes. Wes was a cockney, staying in a Northwest hostel. One day he came hurrying
out of Asda. He wasn’t quite running, but he was walking as if he’d just robbed
a bottle of spirits. And that was exactly what he was prone to do. Next thing,
this burly security guard comes bursting out after him. This is in a busy Asda
carpark. Instead of trying to run away, or simply giving up and handing over
the stolen goods, Wes produced a stick (it might have been a kosh), and holds
it up, as is to squat the security guard. The security guard stopped in his
tracks and Wes continued to walk away. It was like a show of force, a good
bluff. I’ll never know if Wes would have used it on him, but he probably knew
beforehand that the bluff would be enough. This guy was serious about robbing
his booze from Asda. He didn’t mess about. Ok, thanks. These have
been the tales of a quarter dozen sticks.