but the answer to your question is ten
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
A movie was viewed recently entitled WELCOME TO THE PUNCH (2013). Despite a cast full of potential (and others with not so much), it was an unremarkable English detective flick. In the second phase of the credits however, somebody in my company was observed jumping up and down as if in a rave. I myself was found to be throwing the odd shape. The volume had jumped to maximum. Now, a very forgettable film will always be remembered. The importance of the music after a film should never be underestimated. This is a last chance to revive something drab and make it stick in the viewers' minds no matter what they thought of the acting or locations.
RUN LOLA RUN (1999) could be played in a trance club. If you like long montages of a red-haired female (Franka Potente) running over the streets of Germany to the sound of thumping tunes then this movie is for you.
THE MATRIX RELOADED (2003) had some fellow cinema goers punching their hands in the air and bobbing in their seats like it was a sit down concert.
DYING GOD (2008) was one of those movies you lend from someone because you’re bored, the best of a bad bunch in their poor collection. It was a latent creature flick. A man in a rubber alien suit appeared at the end for a fight with Lance Henriksen. You just never saw that coming. And as if that wasn’t enough the credits played out with this atmospheric music that justified the rest of the film and gave it a mood. Recorded from the telly and uploaded here for your pleasure.
VEHICLE 19 (2013) started off with trance and a car chase. Paul Walker here on Anvil Samsara is famous for Running Scared (2006) which incidentally has the best end credits animation sequence I’ve seen; the whole movie is condensed into a kind of comic storyboard at the end. We’ve never bothered with Paul Walker in Fast n Furious before (god there are six of them now), just like we’ve never bothered with Bradley Cooper in those Hangover films. Vehicle 19 brought us some sweet South African flavours with it too. It ended with Die Antwoord's Liewe Maatjies on the end credits who sprang to attention four years ago with Enter The Ninja, complementing Teargas's Go Away throughout the flick. Makes a lot of US rap feel pretentious and dated. Both these songs make good use of mixed sex duo lyrics. A man singin' on his lonesome just ain't as much fun.
NINE MILES DOWN (2009) had a superbly uplifting number to close with, All Inside My Head, a blend of dance and metal by Renaissance Rock Queen Renfey. Better than the movie, and the movie was good.
Friday, 24 May 2013
***stop press immediately***
Friendly fire by drones? Arming rebels in Syria? Grisly executions in London? That’s not news! This is news (actual headline):
MICHAEL JACKSON HAD EYEBROWS AND FOREHEAD TATTOOED BLACK TO MAKE HIS WIGS LOOK BETTER.
Please be kind enough to stop calling him names and laughing at Fulham supporters who have to endure his statue outside their ground. Imagine a statue of Celine Dion, Cher, Gary Glitter (half a pint of best bitter), Chico or (insert pop star______________) outside your club’s stadium. Simply remember the legend, the man, that is forever Moonwalker; a child at heart, the only man who could pull off white socks, pretending to throw babies out of hotel windows for a laugh. Nowadays people look funny at dudes wearing sunglasses indoors. This guy took that one step further and wore his umbrella indoors.
WACKO TOP 5:
They Don’t Really Care About Us
Monday, 20 May 2013
It appears Sir Alec is confused. Now that you’ve retired I’m afraid I can call you whatever I want. I think I’ll stick with boss. You’ve made me call it you for the last umpteen years, and I’m used to it, so why change now? The time for giving orders is over. You made your bed now lie in it. Don't be like P Diddy or Lord Sugar. You can’t just change how people address you.
FERGIE TIME: WADDA GUY: Proof that grey haired OAPs can dominate the national headlines without being sexual predators. Imagine you're the bouncer at the Pearly Gates. Two old folks in tracksuits come up the misty steps. One says he abused twenty prepubescent boys and one says he won twenty league cups. Who you lettin' in, uh?
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
***WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST BLIMEY CHARLIE MOMENT?***
One of the biggest Blimey Charlie moments on TV going waay back when was when Dirty Diana from V parted her lips and swallowed a living breathing rat. You never forget moments like that. We had paper models of the spaceships in V flying around our living room. The spaceships in V looked like speedboats. Cool stuff man cool stuff. Word up they made a remake just a couple of years ago. In a rare stance of defiant closed mindedness, one can honestly say that one has no intention of ever going near it with a barge pole. Sounds like a crime against Sky Tv. Memories of the childhood one from 1984 will abide just fine, thanks.
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
There’s a novel report (how exciting) coming up next, but it’s been suggested by a world famous author that talking about your book is self-congratulating yourself before publication. If that’s true, then you’re reading the words of a guilty man. There’s been too much waffling going on around here for the last three years. Perhaps starting this blog was a mistake, but how was one to know that hitting the big time in this bid’ness is a pipe dream? How was one to know that having an online presence means jack all unless you’re known in the first place? That getting heard appreciated and noticed is like sucking blood from a stone? Some bloggers quit because they don’t get enough comments. If that was the case here, I’d have quit hundreds of times over. Comments here are even rarer than book sales, and that says it all really! But don't worry about it. All writing is is talking to yourself anyway, so no great shakes. Used to it.
If you’re thinking of getting into writing, don’t.