Phantom Touch

I know there is someone out there

But I don’t know who she is

I know there is someone right for me

But I don’t know where she is

I don’t know who or where she is

But I know this:

I love her

Like a brother

Like a mother

And as a calf drinks from the udder

I draw strength from her phantom embrace

We’re having a Desperado’s Wedding

It’s all the craze

She’ll hand me her virginity on satiny bedding

Our Honeymoon’ll be a fortnight of lazy days

Reach out and touch me although you’re not there

Be it Virtual Reality I don’t care

You kiss me I kiss you back then we’ll call it square

If only I could really touch your soft, cottony hair

We could go for a coffee

Or a ride on the bus

Making me happy

Doesn’t take much

We could go to a party

We could get arty-farty

I’d rather be in Venice

Than be the Neighbourhood Menace

I’d rather be a stone, gathering moss

Than to have not loved at all

Rather than loved and lost

You make my pavements sparkle

You make my grass like driftwood

You make my seas churn with a wonder

Unknown to many

You are my one last penny

My jewel in the sand

Please reach out and take

My lonely, phantom hand

I know there is someone out there for me

But I don’t know who she is

©ATD 2017

Legal Highs

Here are some examples of the psychoactive substances I more commonly used. The top three, M1, MEOW and BUBBLES, are basically variations of Mephadrone, the golden age of legal highs. These date back to 2009. Aren't they beautiful? I remember being persuaded into trying some for the first time and having virtually no faith in something you could buy legally from behind a counter. Surprisingly, it was pretty powerful stuff. I tended to snort it, like coke. It was maybe a touch more empathic than cocaine though. I’d never been able to afford much coke in the past, but because this stuff was dirt cheap, just nine pounds for a gram, I could afford to act like Scarface on it. It was pretty liberating. I had myself some awfully long-night binges on Mephadrone. In the end, it turned my knees blue. I shit myself. I thought it was a permanent condition. Great times, though. Always available, and a pure product. You knew it wasn’t being cut with God knows what that bunged your nose up. Note how it says plant feeder on the label. They were also known as bath salts. These terminations were legal loopholes to get them on the market with zero responsibility.

The next row of packets are basically Ecstasy tablets. They were more powerful than standard Es, but slightly more dirty a high. Not as lovey. Just one gave you mad double vision, and one time I had the most amazing CEVs from them (closed eye visuals). Whenever I closed my eyes I could see the most incredibly vivid and detailed patterns. The best way to describe it would be a web. If you look very closely at bank notes, you can see miniature intricacies. It was like that, but it was animated. I remember sitting in a dark room, absolutely mesmerised. I was in a trance. I don’t think life will ever get so good again that I’ll be able to buy cheap Es legally from a shop! These APBs didn’t last long, though – they got banned almost straightaway. Note how it says Not For Human Consumption. I’ll just feed them to my plants then shall I?

The next one on the bottom row, BLAST, was like a mild trip. PINK PANTHERS were like mild amphetamines. I was sorry to see these suffer from the blanket ban in 2016. It offered a safer viable substitute to a dangerous street drug. I blame SPICE for that. I’ve never bought a smokable legal high, but they were the ones doing the most damage to people. I’ve only ever tried it once. I had two puffs and was totally stoned. What that drug does to people is nothing short of wacky. People are rolling around in their own sick in public off that shit. But I look back fondly at my small collection of wrappers, almost envious of the time when they were all so readily available. It took all the shadiness away from drug dealing – and made drug taking acceptable. For a brief moment in history, all the usual laws of society as we had always known them seemed to be upside down. It was now legal to get off your face! You could buy drugs in the shop! And they were cheap as chips!

P.S I can only speak for myself, but partaking in the recreational use of these substances did not affect my mental health in any way, shape or form. Because I’m unfortunate enough to hear voices, it’s perfectly reasonable for the layman to assume that all these wild chemicals have interfered with the balance of my brain. Now, that may very well be true, but I’m still sat here stringing coherent sentences together, and I know in my heart of hearts that no amount of drugs can cause an individual to suddenly start hearing audible phenomena. The two, at least in my case, are unconnected. Just thought I would clear that up. And, while doing so, stick a big middle finger up to the mental health profession. They are all about drugs too, remember. I know which ones I’d rather take. You’re welcome.