dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

Thursday, 3 March 2016

End Of Block - Part 3

I've been waiting three months for a tribunal to let me out. It got cancelled on the day. My solicitor said the doctor's report was so damning that there was little point in going ahead with it. Fucking great. My hopes dashed yet again. I'm here for the long haul now. The process is so slow, it's excruciating. I can't even bear to write about the ins and outs of the messy details myself. I'm entangled in the system. Even one of the staff said that it is all corrupt. I'm losing my physique and I'm losing my fitness as a result. That's not all. My dignity is on the line. If one more person gives me a lecture about my 'illness' then I fear I'm going to crack up for good. It's making me suicidal again, to be honest. If only I had the guts, I have more than enough reasons to string up. My life is in total disarray. I'm trapped. I'm losing motivation and hope. It's a real skill, being able to look on the bright side, but it's a struggle trying to remain positive all the time when most of the other residents have been here for two years plus. I want to tell everyone about microwave harassment but know that they won't listen to me. It'll just look like I'm succumbing to my so-called condition of paranoid schizophrenia. My lips are tied shut. I know more than the lot of them combined, that's the truth. I know that I have gone through a terrible ordeal and that all this soul-destroying incarceration is a mere consequence of the trauma. I honestly don't know what is worse, the actual harassment or the hospitalisation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Nobody has any idea of the suffering I've been through, and what's more, it's so otherworldly and complex that it's difficult to comprehend or explain adequately.

And to make it worse, the doctors are writing lies. They said that I am suspicious and guarded and reporting further hallucinations. It's not true. I have not reported any symptoms to them. They twist your words and then put new words in your mouth. Everything is taking time, they keep shifting the goalposts. It's so unfair. The corridor got flooded this morn, boiling hot water pouring down from the ceiling. Some cowboy builder stood on a corroded water pipe in the attic. I was locked out my room all day. This is at the time when news of the floods in England is all over the TV. I was just thinking about how unlucky those poor buggers were when I got a small taste of it myself.

Been getting out to the cinema quite a bit recently. I've seen Black Mass, Krampus, Christmas With The Coopers, and Star Wars. Of these, Black Mass and Star Wars were the worst. I don't get the hype with Star Wars, I really don't. It's just another jumped-up remake at the end of the day. Just another noisy explosive film. I've been doing normal things like shopping for Christmas decorations too, and every time I am in public I get envious of all the normal revellers who don't know how lucky they are not to be sectioned under the mental health act. I've been escorted home to see my girlfriend as well. She's finding it hard at the minute, relying on food parcels. It turns out she is not entitled to any benefits. Times are terribly tight for her. I'm lending my support as much as I can from my very limited position. She needs me more than ever and I can't do a thing about it because I am locked up. I've been granted my first period of unescorted leave, just two half hours per day. It's a start, and things can only get better from here. I just walked to the local shop alone. It feels weird. I'm a bit rusty when it comes to interacting with members of the public. Suppose that's to be expected after six months of detention. And what a detention this is proving to be. Wow. I'd much rather be in prison. It's going back a few years, but my nine month stint in jail was a doddle compared to this. I was busy and active in nick, there was always something to do. A typical day involved doing my laundry job, going to the gym, having an 11-a-side game of football, going to the education suite for some writing, going to the library for a game of computer scrabble, having a game of badmington, playing some snooker, and socialising on a wing full of 100 people. It wasn't mind-numbingly boring like this. All I can do now is either play pool or watch telly. The crap they watch on telly here! Chronic Channel 5 movies all day long. I'm never watching Channel 5 again when I get out.

First ever Christmas locked up. We had a decent dinner and put on some party hats but that was about it. Went home on the eve and took a food hamper for my girlfriend and her son. Last week they had no food in and now all the cupboards are full. She's still very depressed though. She lost her job, she lost her home, and she lost me. This is a very trying time for both of us. More so for her if I'm honest. I might be locked up, but at least I'm not alone. Then again, I feel pretty alone in here. I've never felt so alone in all my life. Just because I have company doesn't mean I enjoy it. There's nobody in here to have a meaningful conversation with. I think we are all alone in here, actually, together alone. All together alone. Just found out that I'll be getting out in four weeks! Fabulous! What a relief it is to have a release date. For a while there I thought this was going to be rolling out for months and months. The end is in sight! Went home for a visit yesterday though and found nothing but stress. The TV is broke, the boiler is broke, and the computer is broke. The computer takes six years worth of work with it. It's my life. All my keyboard music and photoshop files look like they have bitten the dust. God knows what writing I have lost as well. I'm really having trouble with all my belongings at the moment. I don't want to be bogged down by it all. It's a more simple life in hospital: fewer belongings, less things to go wrong.

They've gone back on their word again now, saying it might take a few months longer. I give up, I really do. All they do is get your hopes up and then dash them again. Still, spirits up, the finish line is still in sight.

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