Hello God. What Would You Have Done Differently?

For starters, I wouldn’t have spawned so many solar systems. The universe, in its entirety, is an utter waste of space. What I should have done is create plenty of aliens to keep the human race company, but I forgot. Actually, truth be told, I didn’t forget – I just couldn’t be arsed. So they don’t exist, I’m afraid, take it from me. All those strange lights you people see in the sky are simply your own secret military experiments. Militaries are your biggest employers. Yeah, even larger than Tesco. Secondly, I wouldn’t have brought to pass so many starving carnivores. I’ve lost count of the amounts of revolting species I’ve invented. I was on one. Call it a mad lab experiment. There are thousands of types of arachnid alone. I knew straightaway that those things would send a shiver up your spines. Haha! My babies. I was simply pissed off when I produced snakes and scorpions and rats and bats and big cats. If you think power is corrupting, then try to imagine what eternity does to oneself.  I just wanted to terrify you, for giggles. I wondered what it would be like to have strong things demolish weak things, with zill chance of survival, and then eat them, alive. You can’t beat watching something getting eaten alive early in the morning. The Romans understood. I particularly relish observing things run for their life. There’s something awesome about the thrill of the chase. And just so you know, I rejoice in myself when the hunted get away. See, I’m not completely bonkers. Thirdly, I wish I would have put eyes in the backs of your heads. You guys need ‘em. You’re mostly a bunch of two-faced back-stabbing liars. I cannot believe what you do to each other! I don't do that to the other Gods. I’ll be made up on the day when someone flushes their own brains down the toilet on YouTube. That’s what I’m rubbing my hands together for. Alright, okay, I made you lot in my own image, but c’mon, what the hell have you become? I’ll ask you again – what the f**k is wrong with your kind? Why didn’t you listen to my Only Son? His name is Jesus. Can I get an Amen? Also, I wouldn’t have made your craniums so big. You’re too bloody clever for your own bloody good. Take the internet, for example. Now, thanks to fibre optics, anyone can know anything about anything. Excuse me, but I’m supposed to be the omniscient one here! Maybe I shouldn’t have given innocent children bone cancer, but hey, I was having a bad aeon. The same goes for coldsores, toothache, and athlete’s foot. Please forgive me: I’ve already forgiven you. Didn’t you hear? I sent my Only Begotten Son: Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Prince of Peace. And still you sick bastards nailed him to a cross. Romans again. My very biggest mistake however was Bernard Matthews. That man has slaughtered so many fine birds. Don’t worry folks, there IS justice in the Afterlife, and I can personally assure you that he’ll be flappin’ in Turkey Hell! G.