Update

Six weeks or so ago I had yet another complete nervous meltdown caused by voices and hallucinations. It was truly horrible and no words I possess can adequately describe the mad schizophrenic torment I was put through. Since then I’ve kind of bounced back with a new appetite for life. I’m staying clean and sober and have even quit smoking. As a result, I can now do my weightlifting and cardio without feeling like my lungs are completely clogged with tar. My training is going well again after a long layoff. My goal is to be a bit bigger than the average bloke while maintaining a decent level of stamina and fitness. I’m watching my diet for the first time in years, as I gained a bigger waistline during my long stint in the nuthouse, and I’m attending four or five therapy groups a week, including church and narcotics anonymous. I’ve been a functioning addict for twenty years. I am currently battling drug addiction, porn addiction, alcoholism, tobacco, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and the most disturbingly grotesque night terrors. That’s an acute workload for anyone. But I’m not doing too bad.

I’ve never had a career, but there is more to life than just work. I’m trying to make a life for myself, even despite any employment opportunities. My faith has been growing for the better. I’m talking to God again for the first time since my twenties. I never prayed for ten years, because I’ve forgotten that prayer is a weapon. Prayer is like making promises to yourself. I like praying for other people too. It’s all you can do to help sometimes. You never know who might be listening. You'll never find an atheist in a crisis. I have problems with God. I’m not a holier-than-thou perfect Christian. I struggle with the concepts of suffering and eternity. I don’t take all of the bible literally. Plus, I enjoy the benefits of Buddhism too, much to the chagrin of my fellow Christians, who declare Buddha to be a false idol. But I can’t help but adore the teachings I attend by the local monk. Buddhism has removed every ounce of anger and bitterness from my psyche. It takes an awful lot of stress to make me lose my temper. I’ve been writing rather well. I’ve found my niche in twenty-thousand word novellas. I’ve got a dozen of them in print. Just waiting for a book signing somewhere now. A book signing means nothing, but it’s nice for the ego, and has always been a small personal goal of mine. Who knows? Maybe one day. I’m also doing a little bit of artwork again. It’s good fun tinkering with biro sketches on Photoshop. I’m the worst drawer in the world but I don’t let that stop me one bit. If I want to create, I will create!

The hardest things to deal with are not the voices anymore. Sure enough, they catch me off guard when I get them in the pub out of the blue, but the mind gets used to them eventually. The hardest things are the porn, the nightmares, and the depression. Catching sight of an attractive woman in tight clothes can evoke the database of porn enmeshed in my brain. There are triggers all over the place, especially in the summer. It’s in your face all the time and there’s no avoiding it. My download history is shameful and diabolical. I’m not into any weird stuff, like feet fetishes, but any kind of porn is sin. With the nightmares, going to bed every night is a lottery. I simply do not know what to expect. I experience a lot of tactile hallucinations during sleep, and they can be extremely distressing. I’m at the mercy of the devil when I dream. I read Psalm 23 to protect me. And the depression can stop one functioning in the world. It can keep you trapped under the duvet, not wanting to make breakfast or get dressed. It can make you not want to be here. As Job said in the bible: If only I had never come into being. That’s one of the most powerful lines I have ever read.