Slither All Over Ya

A humongous mass of sentient slime magically appeared in a poor family’s attic, and started taunting them. So they rang the police.

            Detective Baron’s loudspeaker wasn’t working, so he shouted, as loud as he could. “Identity yourself!”

            The slime replied, “My name is Slither.”

            “Slither what?”

            “All Over Ya.”

            “Slither All Over Ya? Hell kind of a name is that?”

            “And I’m going to slither all over ya.”

            Constable Jeffries addressed his superior. “You heard what he said boss. I suggest we leave this to the Feds.”

            Baron waved him off. “You’re not slithering all over anybody, buddy. Now come out, with your hands up!”

            “I haven’t got any hands.”

            “What have you got?”

            “Talons.”

            “They’ll do. Put ‘em on your head. I’m assuming you’ve got a head.”

            “I give the orders round here. You’re just a human. I don’t listen to humans. I’m Slither. All Over Ya.”

            “What are you?” Baron banged his loudspeaker on a car. “Stupid fucking thing! Not you, Slither. But out. Now!”

            “No.”

            “Yes!”

            “No.”

            “I repeat, what are you, and what do you want with that family?”

            “I’m a gooey gloppy gloopy blob of glob. And I want to slither. All over ‘em. And you.”

            “Don’t let him slither all over ya, boss.” Jeffries chirped in.

            “Where are you from?”

            “Out of town.”

            “How did you get in there?”

            “I slithered in.”

            “Well, I suggest you slither your way out. Right this instance!”

            “I’m comfortable here. I’ve only just arrived.”

            “You’re snookered, erm…Slither. Break and enter. Trepassing. Home invasion. We’ve got you on all counts. I want you out on the count of three. One…Two…Two and a half…Three. Out!”

            The slime appeared at the front door. The cop team stared in amazement at it. It looked like a dozen different creatures moulded into one.

            “You are fucking disgusting,” Baron told it.

            “Thank you,” the slime responded.

            “Hell are you?”

            “Not human.”

            “I’d say.”

            Helicopters came. Swat team arrived and riddled it with bullets. The slime absorbed them, unharmed. Worse, it seemed to enjoy the sensation of being peppered with live rounds. They looked to be doing nothing more than tickling him. Or it.

            “That thing needs a bomb up its arse, boss,” Jeffries said.

            “Can you die?” Baron shouted at it.

            “I’m eternal, me. Always have been, always will be.”

            “Evict the occupants,” Baron barked to his colleagues. “We’ll nuke it off the face of the Earth.”

            “I shit nukes,” the slime said.

            The family had already escaped out of the back door.

            The team retreated to a safe distance and cleared a nuke order with the prime minister. But, when they nuked it, the slime became three times as big. It had inhaled all the energy from the bomb and reinvented itself, ten times more grotesque.

            “What now, boss?” Constable Jeffries asked. He was paler than a sheet, and trembling all over.

            Detective Baron looked at him soberly. “There’s only one thing left to do.”

            “And what’s that exactly?”

            “Leg it!”

 © 2019