90 Day Relapse

You knew it was coming, didn’t you? It was all over me every morning for a week until I broke. There was no porno involved (I haven’t watched that for over 3 months, Amen), but my will and stamina did finally capsize unto an evil spirit of selfish lonely lust. Just one more night of drug-fueled passion, I thought. It was the cocaine.

I DID NOT enjoy anything about it. Once you are in recovery, and doing rather well, the use-up is never the same. I’m not wounded in pain as much as I have been in the past, because of God, and I refuse to let regret, shame, remorse and guilt run amok in my emotive hindsight, but of course I am not quite flying the way I was last week. I REFUSE to be beaten by an absence of hope, however, and am now fairly certain that something has been lifted from my life. The desire. You can be 3 years clean, but if you are struggling with the addictive disease every day, and still crave the material, then what kind of a life is it? I think that, from now on, there will be no more struggle. Because I value God’s Love as the number one priority in the world. I won’t be trading it in for a poor-copy cheap counterfeit of lust masquerading as pleasure ever again. I have finally learned. I discovered this message in several CHOSEN ONES videos on YouTube. Chosen ones are Targeted Individuals. People with a special calling from God.

I have NO DESIRE for porno anymore. The images from my past, all 45 years of it, have a habit of entering my mind unbidden. They were powerful and lustful, but now I am able to laugh at them. I see a funny side to pornographic images today. I count myself lucky to have escaped, because that kind of sexual enslavement can last a whole lifetime and ransack the soul. By the time you fall in love with porn stars while high on substances with a sizable web collection going on, it is already too late. They come before family and vocation and faith and life itself. But it is insatiable. You can never gratify the needs. It is never enough. And there’s always another porn star in the making. They take refuge in your soul with addiction and there’s just no uprooting them. I would say that it is impossible. Not without God’s Love.

The resulting ‘schizophrenic’ backlash of the voices was an ordeal. And I’m off my medication. They made me take it, but now my Community Treatment Order has expired, and I am a free man. I’m so relieved and happy to be off anti-psychotic drugs. They never ever helped, apart from with sleep. Now I am awake at night, but I am not dumbed down. I am out of The Matrix. My imagination is far better. My Third Eye is clearer, more detailed. I’m star-gazing at night again. Most glorious praise to The Most High. He has promised me Heaven, and, from now on, I shall never forget it.