Wednesday, 25 August 2010
HOLIDAY BAG by Emily Reed
DNM FICTION® EDITED BY A.MICHAEL
Another from Emily. She’s been busy. Someone has told her it’s the season of sarcasm here at The Blob™. I don’t even remember requesting anything in a sardonic, mocking, pompous, uppity vein. It’s just how she writes super-short topical/popular fiction, I guess. Her father told her to never take life too seriously, and she sticks to it....perhaps more than she should!
You wouldn’t believe how much junk I fitted into my cheap holiday bag! Enough clothes to satisfy the relief effort in poor flooded Pakistan (I heard a tasteless joke just yesterday about how the BNP were making a donation of 1000 crocodiles, but I didn’t laugh coz that’s just not funny). More shoes than Angelina-effing-Jolie, anyway, getting back to me. I will talk to absolutely anybody me, you know, just so long as it’s about me.
I bet my spare jewellery costs more than your house. Never mind all my accessories. Portable Playstations and i-Phones coming outta my ears. And guess what? I lost most of it. Yup, it’s sooo true. Cracked sunglasses and smashed perfumes all over the place. Ah well, hairdryer. Goodbye, Laptop. Farewell, camera. Au revoir, MP3 player. Arriverderci, electric leg shaver.
What a disgraceful holiday bag! Should never ever buy cheaper than the most expensive – always comes back to haunt you. It was all the shop had at the time. I should have gone somewhere else. How can the zipper burst and go spilling all my contents all over the floor like that? So embarrassing it was, having the taxi driver and two passing gentlemen pick it all up for me.
I’m going to sue the idiot makers of that stupid bag and they better not try telling me that I had too much heavy garbage stuffed into it either. That’s what holiday bags are for – filling full of costly shite which you think you might need but know you really don’t. Better to have it and not need it however than to need it and not have it.
Should have bought a suitcase? I have three thanks, loaded. Combined, they probably cost more than your, oh, I don’t know....the most expensive thing in your house. Did I mention house again? You should see mine – the reception room alone would knock your socks off.
I won’t bother telling you the designer brand name of these suitcases because you’ll have never heard of it. Only available in Harrods. You’ve probably never been Harrods. Probably never been London. I always go London. Paris too. And Barcelona. Do you?
I want compensation. I don’t need the money, I just wanna waste someone’s time in the small claims court. I’m like that, me. Nothing else to do. Just sat around all day usually, shopping online. When I’m not on holiday.
© Emily Reed MMX