dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession
WHY DESTROY YOURSELF? WHY DIE BEFORE YOUR TIME? THE KEEPERS OF THE HOUSE TREMBLE. DESIRE IS NO LONGER STIRRED. DO NOT CONFORM ANY LONGER TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD.

Saturday 14 August 2010

THE WILD WILD WEST by A.J




DAVID CAMERON is on a mission to end "wild west" city centres. 50p pints of liquor from Lidl are simply not on; he has seen more than enough thank you very much. From now onwards, you shall pay by the unit. Local councils will be enforcing this rule quicker than the time it takes for you to turn around.

Supermarche booze is now cheaper than chips. During the World Cup, they were practically giving it away. In Cameron's Great Britain, a crate of ale will retail for 50 bangers. At least. Wine will be flogged at 10 notes a bottle. Even the cheap stuff, which is only good for putting on chips.

Conservatives have no sympathy for lousy no-good drunks when full-employment is on the menu; they couldn't give a feck about rotgut cider-punks watching Jeremy Bile. Or is it Kyle? This violent red-eye drink-binge culture has reached critical mass.

"Pre-loading" means you guzzle incredibly cheap high-strength lagers from corner shops before hitting the town where the price of a round on a works night out will dent your wallet almost as much as a £45 England Replica Jersey T-shirt.

Cameron intends to introduce legislation banning infamous 'snakebite' drinks, which are well-renowned for getting the 50 'fiddy' Cent and Pop Idol generation off their heads; a merger is also planned for Tesco, Sainsburys, and Morrisons. The new conglomeration will be entitled Big Corner Shop, and you can forget about bogof or 6 for a pound deals.

Think more along the lines of a VAT deal, which means you pay 17.5% extra. Only now it has gone up to 110%, meaning you dish out more than twice for whatever you want. And that's without cost of duty and touchscreen electronic point of sale tax (EPOS). Don't forget your identification either. Passports and driving licences are no good. Got to be a special ID card, which has more pointless information about you than Google.

The government senior drinks analyst readily admits that bottled water is more expensive than barrelled alcohol. Getting pissed has long been affordable for everybody, but no longer. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Cigarettes are next as well. Then processed tinned food.

David Cameron's ultimate goal, let slip by the right honourable London Mayor B.J, is to have a one world government with a microchip inside everybody's big toe and a camera up everybody's jumper by the year 2020.

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quote of the day
i see u dancin like a star....no matter how diff'rent we are
for all this time i been loving u, don't even know your name

"we could be the same" MANGA
Eurovision 2010 2nd place

BLOGGER DIET STATUS: Gregg the bakers sausage rolls and Perlenbacher premium pills
LISTENED TO: Angry kick-off trance metal
VISITED: Bolton, home of Fred Dibnah and Peter Kay, who can be funny reading a shopping list.
WEATHER: Warm, clear
ATTIRE: Jeans, trainers and hoodie

originally written with a hangover in a cafe
A.J ANONYMOUS JOURNALIST

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