Ed Drew has had his fair share of problems in life, apart from being incarcerated for a number of years. His sister committed suicide when he was young and his uncle is notorious in the criminal world. Nevertheless, you couldn’t meet a brighter, more cheerful spirit. His favourite pranks include shouting “Everybody down!” in a bank and generally making all kinds of high-pitched loud animal noises in quiet public places. Ed is passionate about his home town and especially rugby. “These rugby players are big and fit,” he says. “They would take the wind right out of you.”
Me and my pad mate Smiler were about to start blazing when all of a sudden young Kai from Brum opened the slat on our door. I nodded to let him know it was okay to duck his head in. He told us there was a pad search going down.
Holy Maloney, I thought. I’d been gagging for a spliff since last night’s parcel landed on our side of the wall. After keeping it hush-hush, I went the whole night just looking at it because none of us had a lighter. Now, all ready to go, we had another problem.
I had an ounce of cannabis (solid) in one hand, and a mobile phone in my other. I threw the weed at Smiler, who fumbled it like a goalkeeper with his gloves coated in butter. It bounced under the bottom bunk.
“Fetch it,” I said, “and plug it quick.”
He scrambled to ground and retrieved it but then gawped at me as if he didn’t understand the second part of what I’d told him. I took myself into a corner, whipped my kecks down, and squatted.
“What the frig are you doing, taking a dump?”
“Yeah, I’m taking a dump in our cell,” I replied sarcastically. “Isn’t that what everyone does when they know their pad’s gonna get turned over any minute?”
“No.” Smiler twitched nervously.
I cursed under my breath, wiggled about a bit, and stood. “Done. Are you gonna help me out here or what?”
A shouting screw from the landing made him flinch. They were several doors up and heading our way.
Smiler was in for chucking bricks at a plane during touchdown in John Lennon Airport because he believed Jedward were aboard. He was young, dumb, and a disgrace to Mum. “I can’t stick this up my bum,” he protested.
“Don’t be a puss. It’s only an ounce of resin. I know other YPs [young offenders] who can fling three Lion Bars up their chutes, one on top of the other. You just saw me throw a retro Nokia fly up without any problem in two seconds flat.”
“Yeah but no but what? You calling me a batty man? Did you see me smiling?”
“I’ve never put anything up there before.”
“Take ‘em down and squat. I’ll run you through it. Unless you wanna sketch out down The Block [solitary] and get some extra time on your sentence.”
“But it’s your drugs.”
“Which you were happily gonna smoke along with me. We still can, if you man-up.”
“I’ll get poo on it though.”
“Why will you? Have you not wiped since you last went?”
“Of course, but––”
“But but but.” I lay back on my bed all casual like. “Your life, homes.”
“Feckin’ Jesus!” He done as I said, wincing before the chunk of cannabis was within six inches of his butt, like it was a red-hot knife.
“Touch it against your bottom,” I said gently, like to a child. “Then, slowly, breathe out through your ring. As you breathe out, push it in softly. Push, push, push....and begin to breathe in. Once it’s halfway, pinch it and seal the deal.”
His face looked like he was getting tortured and the sounds from him were like Paul Burrel, the posh butler from I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, when he was arm-deep in a hole of creepy crawlies.
Smiler did it and stood up just as the screws flooded our pad, his face so red I thought he might pop a blood vessel.
“I think I reverse-swallowed it,” he told me later, still limping. “It went straight up into my stomach.”
“If you start seeing pink elephants, just ignore them.”
He wanted to puke it up for me by drinking salt water, but I ordered he drink some prune juice [laxative], and waited outside the bog during our first association period so we could finally get that smoke on. My phone was safely hidden away inside my guitar, after being tucked away in my crotch during the pad search. All I’d done is tuck it high up in the top of my thighs. What? You really thought I’d plugged it? Are you craaazy?
“If I see so much as one butt-flake on that weed,” I said to Smiler. “I’ll fill you in, Sonny Jim....”
You’ve got to have a laugh, haven’t ya?”
© Ed Drew MMX
For an amusing interview with Ed click below and scroll down.