Lippy

 Skelmersdale-based Jan Balonky’s lippy pout is unmissable. She practises pouting every single day without fail, usually while the rice and vegetables are cooking. At its heaviest weight, her acid filler was about the same weight as her downstairs bottomless rejuvenated clunge (vagina). She said, “At one point I couldn’t stop injecting botox into my boater.” (Boat race – face…cockney rhyming slang.) And she adds, “I just love the feeling of making my cake hole bigger. It’s the first thing I notice about a person. I show it off by sitting next to the workies on their lunch break by the scaffolding and sucking on a Rowntrees’ lollipop stick. I judge the day’s success by how many whistles I get. I do have other assets, such as boob implants, but that’s another story.”

            One recent survey done at ten to five on a Friday afternoon by half a dozen anti-surgery university graduates declared that all enhancement procedures from apprentice scheme cowboy practitioners should only be labelled as deformed bullshit.

            Jan Balonky started dissolving her massive laughing tackle at home using a DIY BOGOF product from Wilko’s. She claimed it was easier to use than the higher-priced alternative in Superdrug. Still, she claims that 70.5% of the solution is cheap quality garbage manufactured in Bangladeshi, and that she tops it up with a her own concoction of coconut oil and honey which she buys from the Asda up road. Once, when she was off her head on benzos, she inserted a male steroid she purchased from the local hard-knock gym. She said it stung for two days solid and she couldn’t eat crisps or other foodstuff with sharp edges because of ulcers.

            Every time she performs treatment on herself, she calls it a ‘lip challenge’. Usually, there is at least half a bottle of wine involved. Jan used to have a cocaine addiction when she was a footballer’s wife but beat her demons when her partner, who she names ‘Goldenballs’, got ‘relegated’ to the ‘reserves’ and split from her. He was generally a bad influence who failed to share her passion with lip enhancement. Plus he couldn’t even have a shandy because of team commitments. Jan comments that the surgeries and alcoholism go hand-in-hand although she never has more than two bottles of wine on one occasion, only except when she’s bonding with her local jigsaw club and they turn it into an all-day party.

            Ever a glutton for punishment, Jan sucks on boiled eggs and batteries to bruise the area before posting photographic evidence in the form of close-up selfies online to millions of followers. One of the most common thread of enquiry is what would a blow-job feel like from her. She said further details of anything resembling a sexual nature can be discovered through her private webcast, where she peels bananas sexually, licks on lolly ices, and gets double-anally penetrated by a couple of horny big buck black dudes (only 30 pounds a month).

            Her favourite shade of lipstick is maroon.

            (That’s mine too.)

© The Anonymous Journalist 2023