Vaping

 The head of the NHS has deemed that the modern equivalent of the Pakistani corner shop stop hospitalizing our youngsters. Can we call them ‘paki’ shops anymore? Probably not. I wouldn’t want to, because they’re just honest business people clocking in for work every day. No need to insult them. What’s the main difference between a Turk and a Muslim by the way? Don’t worry, it isn’t a joke, it’s just that there are so many different nationalities of colour around my back yard these days that it becomes hard knowing how to refer to them each individually – the dirty ripping paki bast*rds.

Amanda Hitchmoore, chief executive, described the rising numbers of admissions as a ‘load of f**king bullsh*t’. She also attacked Best One Convenience Store on Station Road in Oldham for their overwhelming and ‘quite unnecessary’ over-the-top selection of vapes from most of the major companies, saying that it looked like a giant had eaten too many packets of Skittles and chucked up over the back wall. Is Skittles a flavour yet? If not, give it time. Bacon, Dill Pickle and Buttered Popcorn (related to Popcorn lung) are already on the menu. What recommendations might you have in your locker? Chicken & Waffles – already on the menu. Personally, I’d like to see a Sunday Brunch E-liquid appear. All the trimmings please but easy on the apple sauce, merci very much.

Speaking at an NHS expo in sunny Manchester, she said there were far too many admissions for vaping-induced f**ked-up lungs in patients forming the age range of Ibiza Club 18-30. There were fourteen sh*tloads in June, up by 70.526 percentages, which she maintains is far too many. The most common condition is ‘wet lung’, where your lungs get sopping wet and water starts filling up your mouth, hindering speech, eating and drinking. It can be known to cause panic in the individual. This is succeeded by ‘wet brain’, where E-liquid starts dribbling from your nose and one cannot think clearly. Who needs mind control when the youth of today, far be it from riding bicycles and climbing trees, are inducing ‘wet brain’ upon themselves for the princely price of £5.99. When I was a youngster I bombed acid and played Call Of Duty, and that wasn’t even the weekend. Forget the asthma.

Her remarks come after the Royal College of Paediatrics & Child Health warned that all our kids will be dead by the turn of the next Harvest Moon, adding that nobody knows anything about the chemicals therein them.

Vape takes you away from the ciggie: But what takes you away from the vape? Deep.

A spokesperson said: “This is all cobblers, they’re safe. We’re just making too much money coz it’s a brill invention and every brethren is insane jealous. What’s cooler than a bright electric fag with a light on it? They only taste like hot hoover bag dust at the bottom, and none that I know of have ever exploded in my head. I feel like a dragon when I’m exhaling my ELF bars. And all the fancy packaging and colour is nothing but sexy. If you don’t like it, go and smoke a tarry cancer stick. Those cheap ones from under the counter should see you off in a couple of months. I’m living. I’m vaping. I’m happy.”

 

 © The Anonymous Journalist 2023