I’d not
smoked cannabis for around three years until the other week. There was some guy
in Wetherspoons who had a ginormous bag of pollen on him; he was brandishing it
about willy-nilly so I casually asked him for a ten spot. I think it was
because I was clean at the time, and I was kind of swapping addictions. They do
say that addicts are always looking for something new and exciting, even if it’s
only a different flavour vape or something. I had a psychotic reaction to
cannaboids when I was a teenager (so the doctors said) and ever since (mostly)
have given it a wide berth. I mean, I hammered it after leaving school, there
were times when I’d eat a space cake and drink a pot coffee while smoking a
cone waiting to come up. But those days soon ended when I gave up smoking for
good. The other week, however, I thought I’d return to it for a mild head
change.
It run out
last night. A ten bag lasted me three or four weeks. It still makes me hear
voices, right up to this present day. I think the doctors might have been
right, you know, the stuff just doesn’t agree with me. I enjoy it a little bit,
but not enough to justify the mellow schizophrenia that accompanies it. Usually,
all the skeletons creep out of the closet. I have to be in a comfortable state
of mind to go there. I’ve always described getting stoned as like someone
turning on a light-bulb inside your mind; or, similarly, it’s like you develop
a second head which constantly calls you a numpty. One thing I know I am not however,
is a pothead, so this mini phase of returning to the cannaboids is well and
truly over. Having said that, I wouldn’t mind a one-pop of skunk….the argument
being is that it opens up your visual cortex, turns on your aural capabilities,
and generally makes you slightly more creative. Or at least that’s my argument
anyway.
It was my
drug of choice back in the day, while viewing porn. It was all I needed. A spliff
in one hand, my willy in the other, remote control picked up now and again. I know,
I know, it’s embarrassing, isn’t it. I’m getting to the age where I am starting
to evaluate the past, and sum up everything that I’ve done. Unfortunately it’s
nothing more than do drugs and watch porn. What right does that give me to talk
to you? None whatsoever. But I hope and pray that you are not the judgemental
type. I forgive myself for it, because I have to, and all that baggage like
guilt, shame, regret and remorse doesn’t help anyone. But I sure ain’t proud of
it. I just understand that we can’t all be world beaters all of the time. We all
get lumbered with our own individual lives, our own hand, if you like. Some are
better than others. I’ve had a rather nasty existence so far, it has to be
said, what with being a TI and all. But there’s always hope, strength and unity
to be found. Sorry if I’m a bit depressing, I just feel like I’m in a limbo
caught between two places: running away from my past, of which I’m ashamed, and
getting to grips with my future, which I have anxiety about. I’ve still got my
faith, which is great, and I still believe I’m a being who feels love and
compassion, which is even better. So, for the moment, its onwards and upwards. Catch
you next time x
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