dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

HYPE MAN by Triple Triceps

SCHMOE: Fiction Gone Buff

Because a hard woman is good to find

An email from one female friend to another:

Hello Caroline! Hope all is well with you. Saw some of your piks from your last comp and I thought you looked awesome. You were well cheated by the looks of it and I would investigate the scorecards if I were you, just so you know exactly where you stand. You need to know the ins and outs and use whatever you can to your advantage. Mistakes can and do happen and who knows what those judges can see from that far back. Have you seen how many rows away from the front their seats are? It’s scandalous. How can they be expected to do a proper job from back there? I’m putting in for athlete rep, sometime. Ah well. That’s another story. Keep plodding on girl, you’ll get there in the end. Fab improvements since I last seen you anyway and I totally, like, digged your colour. You were far the best coloured at the show even though everyone knows that the lights at that event completely suck. Loved your hair and nails too. And your costume...oh my! Absolutely bobby-dazzling.

Anyhow, let me tell you how I have been getting along. You know about my injury and everything else and how I have slowly been getting back into it, well now I have almost fully recovered and nearly back to using the same kind of poundages I did before the tear. Can’t get enough of torching arms and back at the moment after so long of having had to do legs to compensate. I am trying lots of new CNP products because of Malcolm’s sponsorship and I think I have found the holy grail of cheat meals...Jordan’s fruit and nut muesli. It is loaded with sugar but is simply the best muesli on the market. You get whole nuts and seeds and banana chips and flame raisins and pineapple pieces and all kinds in there. Got to be skimmed milk though! And only at the weekend. Everyone knows how Saturday is cheat day, all year round!

Allow me to reveal the juicy news now then. I have a hype man! They are the next big thing and all the top girls have one now. If you do not happen to know then a hype man is someone who attends your training sessions to verbally motivate you. I have only had him for one session so far...OMG, how does that sound? LOL! Malcolm does not even know yet. He’s about six feet tall and quite slim really. Spanish roots, I think, dark and handsome. Full of tattoos as well. I know you love tattoos on a man! Studded ears though, both sides, which I am not sure about. He has a tremendous bulge though which he kept adjusting all the time! In the lime-coloured spandex leggings he had on, it was very distracting. Only last week Malcolm was complaining about the new underwear I bought for him being ‘ball-huggers’. I could NOT stop thinking ‘ball-huggers’ the whole way through my workout. My hype man had his vest tucked into his lime-coloured leggings and every girl in the gym made an excuse to come and say hi to me for one reason or another between sets.

During my sets I did not realise just how mouthy these hype men can be. My friend said he had verbal diarrhoea! LMAO! The things he was coming out with! He must have called me ‘baby girl’ at least a hundred times. Keep the reps coming baby girl, ain’t nobody like you baby girl, take no prisoners baby girl, one more for number one baby girl. He kept repeating take no prisoners and going off into his own little stories, like take no prisoners, destroy the enemy, safety at the castle, we’re gonna burn all cornfields, we’re gonna burn all wheatfields, leave nothing to chance, you the king of the land baby girl, you the ruler of your own destiny...he made up a new extra line for ever single rep I did. Unbelievable. Some of the other fellas were itching to knock him out! Between his endless ranting and his lime-coloured spandex bulge, I couldn’t concentrate, I tell thee!

Helen Xx

© Ya what ha? Productions 2010

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