HIT MAN by All Woman

SCHMOE: Fiction Gone Buff

Because a hard woman is good to find

Kelly called Krystal to tell her that Dan had been spreading nasty rumours that she looked like a man. Together they hopped on a bus down to the skatepark where Dan and his cronies always hung out. During the journey Krystal played jungle music quite loudly from her iPhone but none of the other passengers asked her to turn it off or down. When they got off directly outside the skatepark Dan was visible instantly, schmoozing with a couple of college hotties with two of his cronies. The small group was silhouetted against the sunset like E.T characters against the moon. It was a gorgeous dusk.

Kelly couldn't believe that Krystal intended to knock Dan flat out, to drop him like he was hot, but that was exactly what Krystal said as they strode over into the cool breeze of the beach behind the park. Without beating around the bush, Krystal kicked Dan's skateboard out from under his hand and asked him what the heck he'd been telling people. The two college hotties he'd been unsuccessfully trying to chat up spun and departed without a second's hesitation, giggling to each other from a safe distance.

Dan said he never said jack squat but Kelly kept nodding her head and saying he did he did she heard him and meanwhile Krystal kept repeating the same question, over and over, why would he say that, why would he say such a thing, why would he go and tell other people that she looked like a man? Dan shook his head and bent to pick his board up but Krystal stamped on one end and sent it spinning away from him.

That was when his big bruiser friend stepped in then. His nickname was Hercules, an impressive powerlifter, as big as a house and as strong as an ox, but when he went to lay a finger on Krystal Kelly ducked in quick like a fox and pulled his trousers and pants down. Both girls stepped back and laughed into their hands when they realised that Hercules wasn't so big after all. The poor guy got outta there quicker than the college hotties.

Dan the malicious rumour spreader finally got his clutches on his precious board and held it in two hands like a weapon. He admitted that he did say what he was accused of, because it was true, she did look like a man, everyone thought she looked like man, she had a hard butt like a man and a flat chest like a man and veiny arms like a man. Not even any make-up to put a gloss on things either - just like a man.

What was she going to do anyway, slap him? He was no stranger to bitch slaps from uppity hoes when they took his chat up lines the wrong way. His other cronie high-fived him and whistled at this. Dan regained his composure and egged Krystal on, teasing her to take a free shot. So she did, and if there was one thing true, it was the absolute fact that she hit like a man.

Dan's front tooth flew out of his shaggy haired head and landed in his one remaining friend's carton of lukewarm soda. He staggered backwards for several metres before falling over his own feet and bouncing his head off the rubber floor. He wasn't quite knocked out but he had a glazed gaze on him as he mumbled something slow and slurred about expensive dental bills. He looked like he'd fallen asleep plastered on a stranger's couch and had now woken up not knowing where he was.

Kelly said they should go now and backed off. Krystal spun and strutted after her in a way that only a woman could. They laughed together. They bought hot dogs together. It was a gorgeous dusk, and it would be a lovely day tomorrow.

© Ya what, ha? Productions 2010