SCHMOE: Fiction Gone Buff
Because a hard body is good to find
Please allow me a moment to impress upon you how huge and big I am. I simply do not know where to start. I will start with my arms. My arms are so big that I cannot wash my hair. They are absolutely massive and pumped and big and thick. When I put on a gun show in one of my tight white vests I can see everyone thinking wow look how awesomely big and thick he is. I love the way my arms attach to my cannonball delts like weapons of mass destruction. I don’t need to mention the delts though. Aw man the delts. Just imagine NFL shoulder pads and you’re halfway there. Then picture steep mountains running up them as my meaty traps ride high into my Mike Tyson neck. Ba-boom!
My chest is just like Arnold’s, if not better; two fat slabs of prime beef stretched across my ribs, a chest that looks even bigger when I wear a shirt. As for my back, well ha, it’s split right down the middle like a wooden table from Ikea folded in half, once again ram-packed full of succulent beef, Christmas tree in it and everything, like the champion Lee Haney. The lats on it defy belief, and are so wide that I often get asked if I can fly. The detail and separation is also first class. Go a bit lower and you have reached my gun-bolt glutes, or gridiron glutes as I sometimes like to call them, all shredded up and ripped like a buncha bananas under my crisp skin. Hanging off of them are my gigantic sweeping hams, which a lot of people say are not even a muscle, but a tendon, but these people would change their mind if they seen mine.
And the fronts of my legs – whoa. Quadzilla big time, and I mean big time. They nickname me ‘The Surgeon’ because of all my deep cuts. They say I look like a walking anatomy chart, only one with king-size portions of premium meat slapped all over it. To round things off at the bottom, I have the old diamond calves going on. Slop a full tin of self-tan on all this, crop of spiky blond hair, white smile, and you are now beginning to get the picture. That’s all folks. I just wanted to share that with you. I just wanted you to know how massive and huge and big I am.
Oh no, I forgot to mention my six pack!
© Ya what, ha? Productions 2010
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