dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession
WHY DESTROY YOURSELF? WHY DIE BEFORE YOUR TIME? THE KEEPERS OF THE HOUSE TREMBLE. DESIRE IS NO LONGER STIRRED. DO NOT CONFORM ANY LONGER TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD.

Tuesday 2 November 2010

BEARD RASH CREAM by Big Don

After a single phone call between him and Gus Kidney, erotica-obsessed Big Don is allowed to submit to The Blob, on the grounds that he tones things down considerably and doesn’t swear. Although this blog does not wish to include adult content, it neither wants to thoroughly ostracise a slight daubing of frisky humour. There has been one or two misunderstandings in the past about content/appropriate age for viewing. 16 is a good marker, although there’s nothing worse at this site than in any 15-rated cinema flick. Big Don says the trouble these days is that some young girls can look anywhere from 13 to 33. Got to be careful who you give out flyers too!

Beard Rash Cream, by Big Don
Kaitlin considered ringing a newspaper or television channel to complain about how long it was taking to get an appointment with her doctor. It was like trying to get into the royal mint! Eventually she gave up and told herself that one weekend, on her way home from a night on the town, she would take a crap on his surgery doorstep. She always walked by that way anyway, and after a skinful of WKD, it would be no great shakes. The ignorant jerk-wit.

The amount those uppity docs earn as well! Pfft!

She gate-crashed the pharmacy instead, in the end.

“I need some beard rash cream,” she blurted to a young BOLLYWOOD QUEEN LOOKALIKE pharmacist behind the front desk.

Shilpa Shetty regarded Kaitlin from below the upper rim of her fashionable specs. “For your boyfriend?”

“It’s because of my boyfriend,” Kaitlin told her. Kaitlin was very upfront with people and not at all self-conscious. In fact, she itched at her crotch without even realising it – this didn’t go unnoticed by the observant pharmacist. “I bought him a shaving kit from Boots and he still didn’t get the message.”

“What seems to be your problem? Have you facial hair concerns?”

“Facial hair concerns? Facial hair concerns?” Kaitlin looked to the pensioner behind her, as if to say GET THIS GIRL. “What, you mean a muzzy?”

“Or a goatee. Plenty of women suffer–-”

Kaitlin burst out giggling. She had a loud, infectious giggle. A minute ago, she’d been thinking of pooing on the doctors – now she was virtually wetting her knickers in the pharmacy. “I’m 21!” she laughed, “not an old granny!”

“Even so….” The pharmacist said.

“It’s downstairs,” Kaitlin sighed, hands on her hips. “Every time my boyfriend ventures south, I feel like I got ants in my pants for three days afterwards. Looks ugly, too.”

There was a long pause. Kaitlin swallowed what little pride she had and admitted that her professional opinion would be greatly appreciated.

“Have you tried opening your legs a little wider?”

After an even longer pause, the smile on Kaitlin’s face vanished. “You serious?”

It was Shilpa Shetty’s turn to laugh now. “Of course not. Let me see what we got….”
© Big Don MMX
Triple featured in Barebackmagazine
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