SCHMOE®
for gym rats
The Biggest and the Best knew from early on that he was destined to achieve. He first started training on a rowing machine donated to him by Big Bob in the local youth club. It's seat was broken so he couldn't slide up and down on it, and it was stiff. All this made him stronger. He also used to shoulder press buckets of water before he could afford the best dumbells money can buy.
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My alarm clock goes off at 3am. I smash it against the wall to release some roid rage and reach across for my Monster Maxx high-calorie aspartame-free enzyme-activated easy-mixing diarrhoea-inducing isolate-blend whey protein shake. I drink this without opening my eyes, burp, then roll back over to dreamland. My other alarm clock rings at 7am and gets launched at the wall like the other (I go through, uh, let me add it up....erm, it must be about 14 alarm clocks a week). Endorsement perks.
I get up, stretch naked in my garden, full-body shave, shower, splatter the bog, take about 40 different pills with spring water, then BORE MYSELF TO DEATH on the treadmill for an hour. I then put on some sandals, shorts, and a vest, so I can bust into the local tanning salon for some high-pressure bed cooking. Upon return, I’ll fill my stomach to bursting point with an armload of clean healthy food, then watch my own training DVD for 1 hour while it all settles.
By the time I’ve drove to the gym in my ESCALADE (windows down), the blinders are on and I’m ready for battle by booming and smashing all the dumbbells and barbells all over the place like a true warrior. That’s after signing all my fans autographs who HASSLE ME at the doorway, of course. I train for 4 hours (not including posing practice and shower), and immediately gag on another two handfuls of 40 or so pills which make my muscles soak up all the nutrients.
I’LL SHOW OFF IN THE GROCERY STORE on my way back to show regular shoppers what the human body can really look like in its peak condition and tell some more fans about my diet and training routines, which they can’t get enough of. Three times a week I’ll have a deep tissue massage as well, followed by a hot tub, if I can find one big enough to house my enormous bulk.
In the evening I’ll admire my trophies and check myself out in the bedroom mirror to try and spot if I have any weaknesses in my physique, but I never find any.
After filling my face on dull flavourless food again, I’ll be a husband for a couple of hours and SEE TO THE MISSUS, because she has needs like every other woman.
I get up, stretch naked in my garden, full-body shave, shower, splatter the bog, take about 40 different pills with spring water, then BORE MYSELF TO DEATH on the treadmill for an hour. I then put on some sandals, shorts, and a vest, so I can bust into the local tanning salon for some high-pressure bed cooking. Upon return, I’ll fill my stomach to bursting point with an armload of clean healthy food, then watch my own training DVD for 1 hour while it all settles.
By the time I’ve drove to the gym in my ESCALADE (windows down), the blinders are on and I’m ready for battle by booming and smashing all the dumbbells and barbells all over the place like a true warrior. That’s after signing all my fans autographs who HASSLE ME at the doorway, of course. I train for 4 hours (not including posing practice and shower), and immediately gag on another two handfuls of 40 or so pills which make my muscles soak up all the nutrients.
I’LL SHOW OFF IN THE GROCERY STORE on my way back to show regular shoppers what the human body can really look like in its peak condition and tell some more fans about my diet and training routines, which they can’t get enough of. Three times a week I’ll have a deep tissue massage as well, followed by a hot tub, if I can find one big enough to house my enormous bulk.
In the evening I’ll admire my trophies and check myself out in the bedroom mirror to try and spot if I have any weaknesses in my physique, but I never find any.
After filling my face on dull flavourless food again, I’ll be a husband for a couple of hours and SEE TO THE MISSUS, because she has needs like every other woman.
The Biggest and the Best
© Blob of Glob MMX
© Blob of Glob MMX
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another story from TBATB?
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