The Cowboy Executioner

I was shaking in my boots in the beginning, as if it was me who was going to die. Did you know that when the head flies, the neck is like a red well? That freaked me out. I couldn’t even look at my packed lunch JAM BUTTIES.

Just yesterday, I was swiping off the nut from a criminal who had re-sold his VAT receipts. No joke. Even some SEX ACTS between a happily married couple can warrant the death penalty. I’m the first to admit, this world we live in just ain’t right.

On my first job I was given a CHEAP LUMBERJACK AXE. I received no formal training. The bloke flinched at the last minute because he wasn’t blindfolded and I planted the dodgy blade straight into his mouth. When I retracted it, his lower jaw dropped to his chest. The handle fell off then, so I dropped the axe and asked for a gun. When one was eventually handed to me, I couldn’t get it to work.

The condemned bloke was a dab hand with firearms – reason for execution – and reached for it himself, bleeding all down the front of his robe but still perfectly conscious. In my naivety, and having never fired a gun before, I allowed him to check it out. Sure enough, he flipped the safety catch....but then SHOT ME IN MY ARM.

“You just shot me,” I said to him.

“I know,” he seemed to say, although it was hard to understand him with no jaw. Then he shot me again.

I turned, hands in the air, yelling, “Who the hell’s getting executed here! Me or him!”

I was relieved when my boss ran in and GAROTTED HIM from behind with a length of KETTLE FLEX. I’ve since learned the art of swift single-stroke executions with my own sword, a fifty-quid scimitar.

It was a woman this morning. Only the second all year. An execution’s an execution, but women are different. If an executioner tells you otherwise, they’re either lying, or they’re a woman. This one wanted her neck anesthetizing, so it wouldn’t hurt as much. I explained that we don’t do that, but she insisted that we at least give her SOME PAINKILLERS. I had a couple of PRO PLUS in my back pocket, to keep me going through a long shift of rolling heads, and told her they were IBUPROFEN. She relaxed immediately.

There were SIAMESE TWINS last week, two heads on one body. I asked my boss for double time but he gave me a day in lieu instead.

Did you know that a doctor sews the head back onto the body, after I’m done? Oh yeah. You didn’t know that? He says he gets by by just pretending he is working at MADAME TUSSARDS.

He’s on a bit more than me, I think.

© Blob of Glob MMX

DNM FICTION®