Chat With Keyworker

 

I got called into an urgent meeting the other day. My key worker, Ste Illingworth, who I call The Illingworth, had a bone to pick with me. He said that me taking myself along to the pub for my customary two pints of beer between groups was a problem. Basically, he said it wasn’t fair on the still-suffering alcoholic. He suggested drinking after groups, if I had to drink at all. But they have ninety minute gaps between groups!  This comes during a week when my best friend (a still-suffering alcoholic), said that he wanted nothing to do with me if I carried on drinking. He said I was triggering him by saying that I’m having a brandy on the phone. This happens to be The Badger. He’s currently locked up in a mental hospital. He usually rings me every morning to debrief me but he said he’s going to stop for a week to give me a chance to stop. I miss his debriefings, but I’m not going to be held hostage over a friendship. If that were me, and I was detained, and my mate was wankered over the phone, I’d be happy for him. Do you think he’s been out of order?

Anyway, back to The Illingworth. He said my breath might smell of alcohol and that that might trigger the vulnerable alcoholic in groups. What would it do, make them drop what they were doing and go running to the boozer mid-session? Unless I go teetotal mate I’ll bloody well have a pint at whatever time I want. End of story.

More disturbing than The Illingworth was the group facilitator’s comments. He said that I was presenting as two people, and looked like I’d never been to a group before in my life. Imagine saying that to a person suffering from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I know two girls with DID, one very well called Cee (who used to be called Courtney). Presenting as two people! What, am I The Exorcist girl or something!? And never been to a SMART meeting in my life? I’ve been going for six years!!! I class myself as an elder when it comes to CGL! (Change, Grow, Live.)

THIS IS THE WAY I SEE IT. I was genuinely cheerful and chatty off the pregabs last week and went on a little mini rant about God and the Devil during my check-in. I think the facilitator felt uncomfortable about my forthright persona. When a Targeted Individual torture victim (which is what I am) gets real and honest, people can feel…well, shall we just say that their bums can get squeaky. There’s a lot of scary stuff in my heart and I don’t mince my words when sharing in public groups: I’ll tell you about the time the Devil stole my children. I’ll tell you about the tarantula in my bed. I’ll tell you about what grit and determination I’ve had to muster over the years. And I’ll spit it as poetically and as humorously as I’m able to. Because I’m a conspiracy theorist, and because my beliefs are a tad wacky, I’m bound to upset a few people along the way. Especially when I’m on fire, as I was last week when this happened.

I was slightly insulted but I didn’t show it. When they learned of my schizo-affective (I’m not even a real schizophrenic anymore) disorder, they relented a touch. But it felt like a telling off for being completely natural and open in a group (whilst high on pregabs lol). Anyhoo, no hard feelings anywhere. I’ve forgiven and forgotten. Let’s see if The Illingworth and the facilitator does too.