It’s approaching
one of the last times I relapsed. The devil got me on the Mark Of The Beast, Day 66,
back in the summer. That one hurt a lot. I thought I was plain sailing, but one
morning in particular I woke up really horny after another usual erotic dream
and ventured into the porn shop. One look at the screenshots on the backs of
the DVD cases, and the rest, as they say, is history. I’ve been particularly
vigilant this time about setting foot on that porn shop’s premises. The design
and feel of the DVDs is too alluring. Proper eye-candy. My dealer has been
ringing me, but without the pornographic material, I’m not interested. It has
to be both, for me. One can hardly live without the other.
I don’t feel
enslaved to the DK any longer. That woman is above and beyond porn. But one
thing leads to another. The only sure thing is, that I’ll be buying porn and
drugs at some point along the juncture. That much is tried and tested. The only
question is, will it be today? Just For
Today, they say often in the fellowship, and that’s been my motto for time
immemorial also: I will use again, obviously,
I’m an addict, but not today.
I’m about to
go back into mental hospital. You can afford to relax a bit, as this time it’s strictly
for the purposes of visitation. I’m planning to go and see a friend who is
incarcerated there. No doubt it will fetch up strange emotions. I hated every
second of being in that place, mainly because I couldn’t wait to get out and
score drugs and porn. I tell you, there’s nothing worse than that feeling. The horniness
bubbles up inside you for days and weeks and more. I was clean for something
like nine months by the time I eventually got myself out of there to indulge in
my pleasures. It was like a pressure main exploding! But things have never been
the same in the downstairs department ever since I got Priapism about 6 years
ago. Priapism is an erectile dysfunction. Basically, you have a painful hard-on
for weeks that won’t go away. And when it does finally go away, it never
returns again the same.
I’m thinking
of porn and drugs with a longing, recently, a kind of missing-you-tenderly
melancholy. It’s weird. Normally, I’m chomping at the bit, raging for a
tear-up. I have an element of Tourette Syndrome when it comes to matters of
porn and sex, after several months of abstinence. I’ll start shouting things
out aloud to myself, things like “I just
wanna rip the knickers off with my teeth!” I noticed it last time. I just
get, like, really oversexed and randy, and verbally too. But always to myself,
mind. It’s as if I can’t contain it. By the time I purchase the porn, I’m
tearing open them DVDs like a man possessed, and snorting cocaine like a man on
a mission, like it’s going out of fashion. I’m identifying with that side of my
personality now, and trying to tame it. Wish me luck. It’s hard work. Just one
more line, just one more scene, just one more erection…
