Fair Weather

I’ve been complained about in group for being a sick-ass pervert.

Well, not exactly. But for making people feel awkward. Yes, talking about porn. What am I supposed to bang on about? It’s a big thing for me. There were women present, which didn’t help. I think they’re all sexually repressed, and struggling with it themselves, to be honest. Why is it still such a taboo subject? Can’t we all just talk openly about XXX material?

While you’re enslaved, it’s impossible. When you’re in bondage to a female actor, or, even worse, a male actor, then things are just too shameful to get your head around. It erodes you of your identity, as a person. It makes you homosexual. It makes you a deviant. It makes you something in the eyes of the Devil. Something unholy, ungodly, and downright filthy dirty. What, you say, a few harmless snippets of porn throughout the day? How can it do all that? Where’s the problem? I only talk from experience, as with everything else on this blogspot.

My boy Jeff from church says he hates it, it is Satan’s version of God’s love, and that he’ll never watch it again for the rest of his whole life. I thought that was an extreme opinion when I first heard it. Now, I’m feeling inclined to agree with him. I’d love to be like Jeff. But I still crave it, in a way, with the drugs. It’s a thrill. And yet I hate it at the same time, just like him. I hate its supernatural effect on me. Once I start on it, I can’t turn it off. Like an alcoholic reaching for the sixteenth rum and coke. I’ve said all this before.

I’m FAIR WEATHER tomorrow, in brighter terms. FAIR WEATHER is a mental state. I use it to describe the shape of being three months clean. Normally, I’m talking about demons and relapses. It must make for depressing reading. Please accept my apologies for the brutal gritty honesty displayed in the past here, regarding drug use. I feel grateful and thankful that disheartening demoniacs are off the menu today. I’d rather talk about how uplifting it is to reside with the Most High for a change. God. All my life I’ve been serving the other guy, watching porn and getting high, and now, once I’ve stepped out of the shadow momentarily, I can glimpse a shimmer of future optimistic light. I hope it's not an oncoming train!

So today is FAIR WEATHER EVE. This is a peculiarly enjoyable mental state I’ve invented for myself. There’s truth in it, it isn’t just fiction. I’ve been trying for a long time to achieve it. I hope I can hang around in it for some time and relish it. It’s payday today, so I am tempted to buy illicit substances as is the norm, but even I, with all my inherent bonehead numb-nut childish stupidity, wouldn’t hurt myself with my nose so close to the goal. I’m a bit of a self-masochist, but to use the very evening before the 3 month mark would be insanely ill-advisable. It would cut me up for weeks.

You watch, I’ll be back here in a few days’ time talking about fapping to the DK again! Wouldn’t you just know it? I’ll f**k up yet again, just like I always do. I’m running a risky business, because the cleaner you are, the more a relapse hurts you. And they really do sting. They are by far the most painful episodes in all of existence. For me, anyway, in my book. Bereavements, redundancies, divorces and the like don’t even come close. Nobody or nothing can ever hurt me as much a relapse does. It totally destroys my eternal karma overnight. I see it etched deep into the eyes of fellow sufferers in group, and my struggle is far worse than any of theirs. My pain is greater.