Battle Of Wills

 

I rang my amphetamine dealer yesterday.

He didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t have any money, I was only making an inquiry ahead of payday. It was a brief slip, a momentary lapse. He didn’t ring back, and I didn’t call again once my cash had gone in. I didn’t call my coke dealer either.

A warning. So I got thru payday. But it was all over me most of the day. I went to a meeting in the evening, and was reminded by someone important that this game is a matter of Heaven and Hell. You can be Moses one instant, serving the angel on your shoulder like a good’un, and then, next minute, Satan is all over you like a rash. It’s so black and white. There’s no middle ground. The consequences of my using are grim. If there weren’t any, I’d still be out there in the madness so to speak, chasing that very first unattainable high again.

So, when I’m using, I’m serving the Devil. And when I’m not using, I’m serving God. That’s unfair, isn’t it? I’m only using, not making spells on ancient burial grounds. But it’s the DK, what she gets up to, and I’m partaking in her parlour tricks. She’s a right old witch she is. So I can’t do it.

Can’t do it. Must do it. It’s still all over me today to be honest. Not as badly, but the temptation to self-destruct is still present. Maybe I’m talking myself into this relapse, I don’t know. Is that the way I come across, like I’m chomping at the bit to use again? I don’t mean to. I want to be a resilient lantern, urging everybody with ears to listen never to use drugs, because they are bad for you. It’s not the drugs, though, it’s the connection with evil women. That’s the issue here. Is self-abuse sin, or is it fine in the eyes of the Lord? I don’t think he cares for bloodshed too much.

I’m torn. I really am a randy man. Big dollop of phet, loads of fapping, where’s the harm? But I’m playing around with demonic forces by listening to the DK, and sharing mantras with her. I’m giving rise to unscrupulous influences which should be left way the hell alone. It’s my weakness. Because I’ve fallen for her. She has seduced me whole, and eaten me like hair. What chance have I got against her?

Every. Stick with the Lord, he’ll protect you. But God is just as frightening as the Devil, I’ve realised today. Both walks are hard. Heaven is a breeze, I’m not saying it’s not beautiful beyond belief or anything, it’s just a pain in the arse earning the right to get in there, when all I want to do is enjoy immoral sexual behaviour with the DK. In case you’re new by the way, the DK is an occultist woman who I used to sleep with. When I’m clean from substances and not viewing porno, she hardly matters to me, but as soon as I start fapping and tuning into her psyche, then she takes authority over me. Wish me the best of good intentions with her.