Away From The Temptress

It’s approaching one of the last times I relapsed. The devil got me on the Mark Of The Beast, Day 66, back in the summer. That one hurt a lot. I thought I was plain sailing, but one morning in particular I woke up really horny after another usual erotic dream and ventured into the porn shop. One look at the screenshots on the backs of the DVD cases, and the rest, as they say, is history. I’ve been particularly vigilant this time about setting foot on that porn shop’s premises. The design and feel of the DVDs is too alluring. Proper eye-candy. My dealer has been ringing me, but without the pornographic material, I’m not interested. It has to be both, for me. One can hardly live without the other.

I don’t feel enslaved to the DK any longer. That woman is above and beyond porn. But one thing leads to another. The only sure thing is, that I’ll be buying porn and drugs at some point along the juncture. That much is tried and tested. The only question is, will it be today? Just For Today, they say often in the fellowship, and that’s been my motto for time immemorial also: I will use again, obviously, I’m an addict, but not today.

I’m about to go back into mental hospital. You can afford to relax a bit, as this time it’s strictly for the purposes of visitation. I’m planning to go and see a friend who is incarcerated there. No doubt it will fetch up strange emotions. I hated every second of being in that place, mainly because I couldn’t wait to get out and score drugs and porn. I tell you, there’s nothing worse than that feeling. The horniness bubbles up inside you for days and weeks and more. I was clean for something like nine months by the time I eventually got myself out of there to indulge in my pleasures. It was like a pressure main exploding! But things have never been the same in the downstairs department ever since I got Priapism about 6 years ago. Priapism is an erectile dysfunction. Basically, you have a painful hard-on for weeks that won’t go away. And when it does finally go away, it never returns again the same.

I’m thinking of porn and drugs with a longing, recently, a kind of missing-you-tenderly melancholy. It’s weird. Normally, I’m chomping at the bit, raging for a tear-up. I have an element of Tourette Syndrome when it comes to matters of porn and sex, after several months of abstinence. I’ll start shouting things out aloud to myself, things like “I just wanna rip the knickers off with my teeth!” I noticed it last time. I just get, like, really oversexed and randy, and verbally too. But always to myself, mind. It’s as if I can’t contain it. By the time I purchase the porn, I’m tearing open them DVDs like a man possessed, and snorting cocaine like a man on a mission, like it’s going out of fashion. I’m identifying with that side of my personality now, and trying to tame it. Wish me luck. It’s hard work. Just one more line, just one more scene, just one more erection…