DVD Combi

Yes, I do have a TV licence* And I’ve just bought a new SMART TV. It’s absolutely crap. A DVD combi, like my old one. And yet it’s nothing like my old one.

On my old DVD TV combi, there were several features which made watching porno a breeze, compared to even older video recorders. Remember videos, when the tape would wear out, due to rewinding the good bits? Worn out on both sides, sometimes. No such thing with DVD. DVD came along, and it offered an electronic A-B Repeat button. This meant that you could repeat a specific section of the movie on a loop, without having to hit REWIND. The fellatio, the bra coming off, the money shot, the lot. You could put the remote down, and enjoy a nice short loop. 99% of porno is garbage, but the odd titillating segment deserves glory. It all depends on the angle of the camera and your favourite shots and all that kind of thing. How much man-fat is in her hair, that kind of thing. Remember that ANGLE button? It never worked, did it?

The ZOOM feature was another successful gimmick. x2. x4. So forth. There was even an opposite of zoom, wherein you could make the image smaller than the TV screen it was imposed on. Like looking at the movie down the wrong end of a set of binoculars. Lol! Does anybody recognise what I’m saying here, or is it just me? I must admit, my first DVD player cost me £160 notes. I just had to have one. Like I suggested, my porno videos were worn out on both sides! Anyway, you could zoom in on the big red nipple teets. I love big red nipple teets, like saucepans, the bigger the better. Don’t mind brown also, on coloured girls. I’m not fussy either way. And, I must add here, that flat-chested teens send me crazy. Am I being a paedo there? I’m approaching middle age! Only in my fantasies, mind. In reality, I’m with the Most High. And celibate. A monk, in fact. The only thing I want to give to a teenager these days is my psychosis helpline number!

What about the ASPECT button? 4:3. 16:9. Again, is it just me? Landscape or Portrait, basically. Widescreen. This is important, depending upon the angle of the shot. It changed things up a bit. You don’t want black bars either side of your image, do you? My bright new swanky SMART TV has none of these features! You can’t even adjust the BRIGHTNESS, CONTRAST, COLOUR, or SHARPNESS!!! What’s all that about!? I mean, come on! Instead, I have big massive YOUTUBE, PRIME and NETFLIX buttons! Which I will never use, because I don’t have an aerial or online capacity! It makes me want to shout. There's not even a subtitle button. I’m already hunting a traditional DVD player down on EBay, if my neighbour can help me out, because I’ve never bought anything myself online. It’s scandalous. My new TV is not porn-friendly!

Or is that a good thing, in a way?

*Don’t really