Anonymous Journalist

HORSE PESTERED BY FOOL

A man already well-known to police has been charged with sexually harassing a horse.

The incident occurred on Ron Todd’s farm in a rundown stable. In his step-mom’s statement, who has since left the household, he was said to have stripped to the bones and covered himself in vegetable oil and oatmeal while ‘tickling and encouraging’ the horse to lick him clean.

The animal was distressed enough by the torture for charges of animal cruelty to be added onto the rap sheet. One RSPCA officer said he had never come across anything so degrading to an animal in all his 20 years on the job.

Todd claimed he had suffered from a memory lapse and had no idea how he came to be there. He also could not explain the camera set-up to record his antics.

The case has been adjourned for psychiatric reports.

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ROBBER NABBED BY GORILLA

An escaping bank robber was caught after being kicked in the legs by a man in a gorilla suit.

Professional Karate champion Dezzie Bayliss was handing out bananas during a promotional stunt when he noticed a man running with a big sack of cash. The man was leaving a trail of notes along the pavement as he headed towards a parked car with the engine running.

Dezzie said: “I really couldn’t see much in the gorilla suit and I had my hands full with bananas, so all I could do was give him a good kick in the legs and send him flying.”

A 24 year old man was arrested at the scene and treated for broken teeth, where he landed on his face after being foiled.

From a young journo who has yet to think of an apt pen name. Unlike me, he knows how to operate that machine in the library which allows you to research town and family histories. He also scans The Metro and The Sport daily. Now, even I know for a fact that they make stuff up in The Sport, especially that disgraceful Sunday edition, so don’t be surprised if something here seems a little too farfetched. But AJ swears that he only plucks from reliable sources, and none of this has anything to do with his imagination. Not that he needs to prove anything, as I also know, for example, that Ron Todd is a real person. I’ve had the privilege of meeting him on a building site in Deansgate. I walked in on him sticking the toilet seat lid down with silicone in a brand new apartment.

100% Factual A.J