"From Newsjack in BOOK 12"
At 09.40 Peter Andre spent forty minutes in the bathroom.
At 10.45am Christiano Ronaldo asked Andy Murray if Wimbledon was a team in Scotland. Andy Murray pushed Ronaldo into the pool, but maintains it was a dive.
At 11.10am David Dickenson admitted Nick Griffin was the real deal when it came to discriminating against skin colour.
At 1.21pm Ed Balls and Alistair Darling came to blows in a squabble about surnames.
At 4.47pm Gok Wan shocked housemates with the revelation that he used to weigh over twenty stones. And that he’s gay.
At 6.07pm after a drink, Alan Titchmarsh watered the plants. Big Brother advised him to use the indoor lavatory.
At 8.08pm after smoking some banana skins, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen appeared from the diary room wearing a pink latex dildo suit and complained about the wallpaper design being 'too busy'.
At 8.33 Chris Moyles climbed into the BB complex and started annoying people.
At 10.00am Jordan requested a DJ, catering and fancy dress for a party. The requested was denied so she had a long face.
At 00.56am John McCririck was woken up by Dizzy Rascal to be told that he was snoring so John wiped a crow on Dizzy's preposterously-slanted cap.
More from the house soon. Here's more media bullet-points in the meantime.
Heat magazine celebrity sweat patch exclusives deemed “the pits” by moral standards agency.
Wag bump preggers shock turns out to be takeaways.
Hasselhoff’s home page rock bottom for facebook addict.
Yvette cooper, wife of politician Ed balls, insists she would have kept her maiden name no matter who she married.
G-string proved to be only solution to visible panty-line syndrome. No solution as of yet for 'men with bulge'
Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant 3-course meal so small customer has to visit macdonalds on way home.
Graham Norton to host next Mr pillow-biter of the year competition.
Breaking news just in, stop press – Kerry Katona has gained half a pound.
Doctor tells chronic masturbator to get a grip of himself.
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