GRAVEYARD PERVERTS Three prats from a hostel drove over 50 miles for corpse-sex with a deceased X-Factor winner. Police found each to be in possession of condoms.
Closer inspection of the graveyard scene revealed bolt-cutters, pickaxe, spade, ghetto blaster, and a neatly-laid out TJ Hughes quilt with matching pillows. There was no trace of alcohol or drugs. All three admitted to digging up the pop diva for the sole purposes of sex.
Kris Dim, from Ramsbottom, had ‘always dreamt’ about making love to a corpse.
Illegal immigrant and sidekick, Jangy Addy, admitted to conceiving the idea. He believed pesticides in the soil preserved corpses.
Ringleader Ron Todd had posters of the performer in his bedroom. He supplied the condoms. Most definitely ribbed for 'his' pleasure.
Sentencing commences next week.
VOICES 'OUT' HIS HEAD
An idiot rigged-up a portable cassette player to the window of his boss’s son’s bedroom and played recordings of his own voice throughout the night.
The volume dial was set to low, because habitual criminal Ron Todd, obsessed with brainwashing, wanted his victim to ‘feel like he was hearing it in his head.’
The victim complained after spouts of bed-wetting and thumb-sucking. He later admitted to feeling stupid because sometimes he thought he could hear what sounded like ‘someone turning a tape over' outside his window.
The plan was foiled when Todd fell from his ladder and needed emergency treatment.
An ex serviceman from the marine corps has sued a fellow soldier because he tied his tourniquet too tight.
Hero Mayweather, 26, said he risked his own life hauling his comrade from a ditch after ungrateful Rupert Collins stepped on a mine on purpose to prove it was a dud.
Mayweather carried 14-stone Collins half a mile back to base while under enemy fire and at one point revived him with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, which he now regrets.
40-ODD% FACTUAL A.J
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