AIR HOSTESS by Emily Reed

DNM FICTION® EDITED BY A.MICHAEL

Emily Reed claims to be the only person she knows not suffering from England Fever. As the World Cup gets a grip of the nation, Emily gets a grip of more Gerard Butler DVDS from Blockbuster, including Gamer and Law Abiding Citizen. Daisy and the other local stray cats Emily occasionally takes care of are all doing just fine.

Howdy, yo and hello! My name is Alexia Needy, and I work as a cabin crew member for Jet2.com, located at the grind-pit that is Manchester Airport. Manchester isn’t my favourite city, but I studied at Liverpool, which was just as bad. Unfortunately, I live in Warrington Town, which is ten times worse than either of them.

A typical day for me involves mad-dashing to the airport 1½ hours early before departure for my pre-flight brief. Can you believe that, 1½ hours early? At first I thought they wanted me to help build the damn planes, arriving so prematurely. Then I’ve got to keep my eyes open and not drift off during the security checks. Just skip the checks, I say, it’d make my day go a lot faster, although one idiot several years ago asked my colleague who is now in jail for being a mule to pull his finger. She thought he was going to fart when she did so but instead he tried to detonate a real bomb in his sock! It failed to explode though and only ripped his foot off. Every hostess has a mad story like that to tell. Apart from me, coz I’ve been bored from day one.

Once all the passengers are on, it’s my job to help them, and believe me, the endless queues of moron lemmings always need a ton of help. Don’t pity them, as they can purchase tax-free cigs and booze once we are airborne, depending on our route. The regular food and drink knocks me on one if I touch it……ugh! That’s why I brown-bag my own scran.

After another tedious security check once everyone is off again……are you ready for this……I have to tidy the blinkin’ plane. Yeah, moi, degree-educated and all. One thing I certainly didn’t sign up for, I can assure you of that. The gents’ crapper often looks like an explosion in one of those porta-loo turd cubicles at the end of Glastonbury weekend.

Don’t get me twisted though, it’s a social job and I meet new people every flight. The catch is that most of them are dunces, dipsticks, pillocks and plonkers. Straight up, right across the board. When down-route, and not tending to blockhead kids in ‘cattle class’, I have the pleasure of checking out the flatlands of Kazakhstan or some other place you’d have to pay me to step foot on. I suppose that’s exactly what they’re doing, actually, innit? Paying me to step foot on ‘em.

Fancy my position? I’ve had enough, me. Career switch looming. Check out cabincrew.com and fill out the online application. Just mention that UP IN THE AIR starring George Clooney is your fav film of all time and I guarantee you’ll get the job.

© Emily Reed MMX