SHOPPING ASSISTANT by Cam Lee

DNM FICTION®

EDITED BY A.MICHAEL

For interview with Cam Lee see 'DNMF Interviews' post in Feb.

Within three seconds of crossing FRENCH CONNECTIONS doorway, Cheryl was pounced upon by shop staff. This particular clerk bore an uncanny resemblance to Dame Edna Everage, and frogmarched Cheryl into a corner at the mention of the word 'dress'. A moment later, they were on first name terms, prior to Cheryl being persuaded into trying on a white number she could tell just by looking would be too tight on the bust. She figured she would stand a far better chance of convincing Dame Edna if she went ahead and tried it on anyway then showed her how small it was, rather than argue, but she couldn't even get the zipper up over her generous chesticles.

Nonetheless, she was told that the zip was just 'stiff' because it was 'new' and would 'give' once she'd 'worn it in'.

"I can't wear white, I'm a guest at a wedding," Cheryl lied.

"Technically, it's vanilla, so don't worry about it."

"Still......I think, er, um......"

"Give me a minute."

Before Cheryl could get out of the friggin' thing, Dame Edna had returned with an armload of alternatives and cheerily informed her about their no risk 7-day returns policy. After just hiding there behind the fitting room door doing absolutely nothing like a mong, Cheryl decided to buy the cheapest item and bring it back at the weekend, when Dame Edna was least likely to be working. It was a red blouse. The price tag made her swoon. This bright idea was meant to be a fast solution, but it was the beginning of Cheryl's problems, because after Dame Edna accepted Cheryl's credit card (with both hands), she then subjected her to a thorough 'mix n match' tour of the entire store, hunting for suitable accessories.

Shoes, shoecare products for the shoes, and jewellery, for the most part, but they did spend some time deliberating the different colours of a Morrocan suede bag. Cheryl's account balance plummeted as Dame Edna complained about the minimum wage and store bonuses. At the checkout, Cheryl was quizzed and questionnaired for a quite unbelievable length of time while 'voluntarily' signing up for a storecard and surrendering her details for a mailing list.

All the way through Dame Edna bumped her gums like she had all the time in the world. Still polite, and all manners, Cheryl thanked her at the end.

"Any time, dear," Dame Edna Everage said. "Glad to be of service."

© Cam Lee MMX