Above: Painting a cup
1. At parties, I like to impress one or two people by reciting the historical list of Ms Olympias in chronological order, backwards.
2. I have followed Tom Jones' career very closely, and used to play and sing along to 'Sex Bomb' every morning when driving to work for about six months straight.
3. I have 2 special sets of corduroy trousers which I have never donned. One is beige and the other is lime green.
4. My favourite TV programme is Heartbeat, because of how Sgt Oscar Blaketon speaks to Claude Jeremiah Greengrass like he was something he stepped in.
5. My favourite kind of music is Donk.
6. I once ordered chips with gravy and curry in the same tray - didn't like it.
7. When I was a kid I accidentally manslaughtered my pet budgie by suffocating it on too much toast.
8. I used to be addicted to smashing glass bus stops with Budweiser bottles.
9. I once entertained Jeremy Kyle at a book signing in the local supermarket by bowing on one knee and proposing to him.
10. I find it incredibly difficult to wear new socks. I collect them in their unopened packaging and leave the drawer open so I can see and smell them every time I go into the bedroom.
11. My favourite member of Take That is Wet, Wet, Wet.
12. The only ever time I took the train to Southport, I took one look at the beach and got the first bus back.
13. My favourite beverage is château expensive (pronounced shat'o'ex'spen'seeef).
14. I once found a slug in my mixed veg and have since written letters of complaint to almost every chain of supermarket around the country under a variety of different aliases in return for free 50p gift vouchers.
15. I am passionate about immigration laws (the more the merrier), traditional pig-keeping (I have a Rottweiler too), and blood-pressure monitors (myocardial infarction, aka bum ticker).
16. I am the only person in my family to ever appear on TV. It was a social services outing to the Jimmy Saville show in '88. He didn't touch me.
17. I am the only person on my estate who can afford tailored jeans.
18. I like to twitter about rabbits and hamsters.
19. I know a friend who checked himself into a head clinic overnight after inhaling passive smoke from a roach-less ready-rolled herbal skunk cannabis & ketamine cigarette.
20. The only time I ever spoke publicly I somehow managed to fall over while standing still in front of a microphone.