Gus Kidney E-mail

This is an e-mail I received from Gus Kidney earlier today. We've gelled really well together. I've been lucky to land him. I can call him for a lift if I get stuck, we're that close. I nearly had to last night when the last train home was replaced by a bus. He's constantly looking for openings and opportunties for me. He's got my back. You can see he's got a sense of humour too. For christmas he sent me a wrapped packet of Mr. Brain's pork faggots! I can't wait to offer him a glass of olive oil when he next comes round here!

Hi Andy,

I did as you requested and facef**ked 10 of your old chums from school. Will do so again now that I have much more concise contact details. Not yet checked to see if any of them got back to me yet. Could you explain that I am having problems connecting to friend requests. My facef**k account is outgoing only at the present time. I am not ignorant and trying to remedy the problem. Will continue to contact others, but where do you want me to go from friends and family? Will any known associate do? (To impart some advice, don’t be electronically tagging people if you’re not prepared to stand on the street and gab with them in person, face-to-face. Leave that to the spam brigade. My personal filters are being overrun and it’s a nightmare.) I gather you know loads of townies from childhood so forward me a list would you, text message if poss.

Be careful not to incriminate anybody other than yourself! Remember, no names! Make them up, it shouldn’t be too hard. Then again, I think you get me on that one. I’m not totally convinced you’re telling the truth 100% of the time, but I imagine it’s your craft to take liberties, judging by the e-zines you’re in. Did anyone from WOL solicit your submissions for those? I wasn’t aware. I will look into flash fiction genre to pursue development of novel-length short short story anthology. I’ve never heard of such a proposal before. If the market is choked then why not make a market of your own?

Dean Koontz has got a new novel out called RELENTLESS. I heard he writes 9 hours a day, six days a week. Surely that can’t be beneficial for the circulation? Perhaps he has someone under his desk massaging his feet? He sells 17,000,000 new copies every single year, so he can afford it. Books coming out of his ears. Pulling titles out his arse. Got Clive Barker’s latest effort on my desk, Mister B. Gone. The gimmick is that the actual book itself is possessed by a demon. Majestically produced, but 1.5 line-spaced and slash marks ( ------- ) longer than I’ve ever seen. How do you do them slashes, by the way? Different authors have different ways of doing them, but I prefer yours. I know you can’t do them in blogger, but in hard copy I’ve seen them and they are just the right length with no gaps in. I am curious about that as I am upgrading from Notebook to Word for my sloppy memos. You owe me that one after I recommended the Palatino Linotype font for you.

Speak soon. Stay fit.
G.K