dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession

dark am i, yet lovely, a lily among thorns, majestic as stars in procession
WHY DESTROY YOURSELF? WHY DIE BEFORE YOUR TIME? THE KEEPERS OF THE HOUSE TREMBLE. DESIRE IS NO LONGER STIRRED. DO NOT CONFORM ANY LONGER TO THE PATTERN OF THIS WORLD.

Wednesday 3 February 2010

Old Man Wins Euromillions

Remember this story in the press early 2009? Imagine him telling his wife.

WIFE: Hello love, have you checked the numbers?

OLD MAN: Yes.

WIFE: And?

OLD MAN: We won.

WIFE: What, another tenner?

OLD MAN: We matched every number.

WIFE: Yeah right.

OLD MAN: I swear. I’ve checked them a dozen times.

WIFE: Check them another dozen times dear – with your glasses on.

Imagine him talking to pal in pub.

PAL: Bloody hell well done mate. Is that Boddingtons you’re supping? Why not champagne? It’s a little late in the day for success, isn’t it? What are you going to spend the dollar on?

OLD MAN: A flash car, probably.

PAL: Well I was hoping you could buy me one of them, to be brutally honest. What else? And don’t say a sexy coffin.

OLD MAN: I’ll pay someone to look after the allotment, suppose.

PAL: You’ve just won a slice of Royal Mint big enough to make all those fools at Royal Ascot wearing silly hats look like fruit and veg shop owners. You can do better than upgrading a carrot patch.

OLD MAN: They have a cash reward for best dressed lady at Royal Ascot, you know. Four figure prize. I’ve seen a hat of strawberries and cream with a decorative spoon in it, and I’ve seen one like a giant flake ice cream which took six weeks to make.

PAL: Four figures is peanuts to you now, isn’t it?

OLD MAN: Do you want a packet of peanuts?

PAL: Seriously, what you thinking of doing with all that kah-ching?

OLD MAN: Well, I was thinking of making an offer for Ronaldo’s right leg.

PAL: That supercar he crashed in the tunnel was worth two hundred grand. You could buy one of those beauties one hundred and twenty five times over.

OLD MAN: I could? Wow. How many of them would I have to write off before the police charged me?

PAL: Never mind that plonker. How many peanuts do you get in a packet?

OLD MAN: I don’t know – how many?

PAL: It isn’t a joke. Over a hundred, wouldn’t you say?

OLD MAN: Easily. Why?

PAL: Let’s say you get one hundred and twenty five in a bag. Right then, if you had a packet of peanuts, yeah, and I asked you for one, would you be so kind as to give me one? One peanut, out of a whole packet?

OLD MAN: No problem with that.

PAL: What I’m asking you for, in effect, is one half of one quart of one peanut.

OLD MAN: I don’t understand.

PAL: An M3. Twenty five grand. How about it?

No comments:

Post a Comment