Remember this story in the press early 2009? Imagine him telling his wife.
WIFE: Hello love, have you checked the numbers?
OLD MAN: Yes.
OLD MAN: We won.
WIFE: What, another tenner?
OLD MAN: We matched every number.
WIFE: Yeah right.
OLD MAN: I swear. I’ve checked them a dozen times.
WIFE: Check them another dozen times dear – with your glasses on.
Imagine him talking to pal in pub.
PAL: Bloody hell well done mate. Is that Boddingtons you’re supping? Why not champagne? It’s a little late in the day for success, isn’t it? What are you going to spend the dollar on?
OLD MAN: A flash car, probably.
PAL: Well I was hoping you could buy me one of them, to be brutally honest. What else? And don’t say a sexy coffin.
OLD MAN: I’ll pay someone to look after the allotment, suppose.
PAL: You’ve just won a slice of Royal Mint big enough to make all those fools at Royal Ascot wearing silly hats look like fruit and veg shop owners. You can do better than upgrading a carrot patch.
OLD MAN: They have a cash reward for best dressed lady at Royal Ascot, you know. Four figure prize. I’ve seen a hat of strawberries and cream with a decorative spoon in it, and I’ve seen one like a giant flake ice cream which took six weeks to make.
PAL: Four figures is peanuts to you now, isn’t it?
OLD MAN: Do you want a packet of peanuts?
PAL: Seriously, what you thinking of doing with all that kah-ching?
OLD MAN: Well, I was thinking of making an offer for Ronaldo’s right leg.
PAL: That supercar he crashed in the tunnel was worth two hundred grand. You could buy one of those beauties one hundred and twenty five times over.
OLD MAN: I could? Wow. How many of them would I have to write off before the police charged me?
PAL: Never mind that plonker. How many peanuts do you get in a packet?
OLD MAN: I don’t know – how many?
PAL: It isn’t a joke. Over a hundred, wouldn’t you say?
OLD MAN: Easily. Why?
PAL: Let’s say you get one hundred and twenty five in a bag. Right then, if you had a packet of peanuts, yeah, and I asked you for one, would you be so kind as to give me one? One peanut, out of a whole packet?
OLD MAN: No problem with that.
PAL: What I’m asking you for, in effect, is one half of one quart of one peanut.
OLD MAN: I don’t understand.
PAL: An M3. Twenty five grand. How about it?