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From the radio play SALFORD HAM.

Donald has told the customs officer he is concealing 12 ecstasy spliffs.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Are you sure they’re up here? You didn’t swallow them?

DONALD: (Groaning in pleasure) Ah yeah, you’ve nearly got it.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Could you keep your hips still and stop squirming all over the place?

DONALD: Deeper, baby, deeper, almost there.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Yuk! There’s nothing up here! You just wanted me to...yuk!

DONALD: No, no, keep going, you nearly had it.

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Get outta here!

DONALD: (shivery breath) Okay, I’m going, I’m going, but can I take your number?

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Now!

Two main characters are Donald and his big-shot boss, Dick Fudge. Their journey begins in the middle of the jungle with a ton of man-eating lion in the area and ends on a local market stall with a sudden surge of stray mongrel following them.

SCHMOE: The Next Step

The blog needs an injection of inspiration every four weeks. April was all about displaying The Ceramic Devision, but May will focus more on SCHMOE. The word 'schmoe' is a nickname for dorky muscle worshippers who like their women strong and powerful in the states (it's funny how there is no nickname for grown men all around this country who point cameras at other grown men in shorts on the football field). I suppose the lot of us fall under the "shutterbugger" umbrella, which is a generic term for any tourist with a camera, I believe, more or less.

SCHMOE is short fiction for bodybuilders, basically, themed around the gym, although it isn't solely the stereotypical 'meathead' who is the target audience. Hopefully, anyone who attends any kind of gymnasium will find something of interest in good time, from girls who do aerobic exercises to guys who only use the treadmill, or swim. Having said that, if you're a down-in-the-dungeon hardcore-repping kinda dude, SCHMOE wants to connect with you. Most of all, though, most of all, SCHMOE wants actual schmoes! And they can be hard to find.

The first edition of material for this until now non-existing niche market was entitled OWED by Got Boulders, a brief one-act play. There may be several different categories like SCHMOE PLAYS or SCHMOE DIARIES or whatever. All or most of the forthcoming content will be present on Blob of Glob, along with any related artwork.

Touched, a Novel

TOUCHED 1999

(150,000 words hand-written novel)

Three young people (DANCE, CHANCE, AIR) have all written the exact same book – ABBATOIR. When they meet in a nightclub the opposite of the big bang occurs – the big crunch, and they have to survive dinosaurs and ice ages and everything else Time Reversal throws at them by escaping into the dimension of their shared fiction.

Baubles

Horses

Cats and Cards

ART TILL DEATH PRESENTS

CATS

DOGS

HORSES

Don't forget the bite-sized short stories just sat there in last month's chaos chronicles......please take a look, the writers from DNMF will be grateful.

Little Men

Antony Gormley must be shivering in his boots, looking at these! If you take a butchers at the Bishop's neck in the middle, you'll notice that I tried to stick it back together with blue paint after his head fell off. My bad.

The two dudes either side of the Bishop weren't inspired by the cover of the best book I have ever read, but you can bet your bottom dollar that the next ones will be.

All figures are reversible.

Sumerian Wheel

This is probably thee knock-out mainstream ornament to date. It looks great anywhere and catches the light superbly. This is an exception as there would usually be the trademark WOL red & white flag in the very centre of the coils, but it didn't turn out in this one due to human error. Some glazes are stronger than others and the weaker ones, instead of providing the finishing touch, tend to disintegrate within them.

The coils here are green; the rim of the wheel is gold. Gold is thicker than green, so on the coils would hide more of the detail. The Kong Island Range focuses on green and gold primarily, throughout its products; these two colours are head and shoulders above the others when it comes to finished veneer.

THE CERAMIC DEVISION

presents

......THE KONG ISLAND RANGE......

Termite Fortress

Here is a master prototype model for one of the ranges in the mini-sculpture line. Project 'Termite Fortress' was practically crumbling to bits at one point, and barely made it to the oven in one piece, much to my whining frustration. The end result was a shadow of its early blueprint, but the learning curve imprinted concrete objectives in our design strategies. Think alien. Think octopus. Think THE CERAMIC DIVISION.

BEST CUPS EVER

THE CERAMICS DIVISION will soon be up and off the mark thanks to Creative Possibilities. Aside from crockery and worktop ornaments, mini-versatile sculptures will also form part of the line-up. With trippy detail and bold pizzazz, the range of cups in particular will serve to advertise the uniqueness associated with all Wheel of Life products.

All cups are hand-painted, detailed all-over, and perfectly safe to drink from.

Wolfman Pays a Visit

Wolfman dropped into Warrington on Monday and blessed CREATIVE POSSIBILITIES with his presence by demonstrating the first of their bulk mainstream range of worktop ornaments, which he one-time infamously dubbed the ‘rat turd’ range, because of their irregular shape. The official term is ‘golden grapes’!

Gus Kidney’s officially-sponsored mascot joined in the shenanigans in the basement as we took him through the production process from start to finish, impressing us with his readiness to muck in and get his hands dirty. Each handmade piece can take their toll when rolled in the palms, but The Wolfman didn't complain.

The purposes of the golden grapes are plenty, but their true potential is realised in accordance with granite worktops. But whether in a posh showroom, on top of a coffee table, or even in the garden, their smooth bronze finish still looks smart from every angle.

Stay returning for more info from THE CERAMIC DEVISION.

Plate & Bowls

DETAIL & ATTENTION

PATIENCE & PASSION

FUNCTIONAL & SAFE

YOU KNOW IT'S THE CERAMIC DEVISION

YOU KNOW IT'S WOL

Golden Grapes

HAND-MADE

SOLID AND DURABLE

BRONZE FINISH

DECORATIVE

UNIQUE

Early Kong Island Range

From left to right:

Termite Fortress

Indian Steeple on Urn Cap base

Gateway Dreamcatcher

Sumerian Wheel

Golden Grape

Also:

Baubles

Vases

Cups

Plates

Bowls

Figures

Tiles