Pad Workout

 I’m kind of training again. (The way I feel, there’s no kind of about it.) Yep, my muscles are aching. I feel like I’ve done an exhaustive chest workout by doing 35 press-ups off the edge of my bed. It is quite sore, just the feeling I’m after. I started on Wednesday, it’ll be my third pad workout (pad means jail cell) on the trot later this afternoon. I’m hesitant about joining a gym until my pad workouts are consistent. They’ll give me a little platform to build upon. Plus, pad workouts are pure G-Unit.

I spent £35 on Creatine powder and Glutamine tablets. Holland & Barrett didn’t sell the Glutamine powder. The tabs will have to do. I call these two supplements a natural course. I can gain roughly six or more pounds from the associated water retention. Eventually, I do want a shot of test in my arse, I just don’t know how or when. As I get older, perhaps. If it is good enough to keep Rocky out of Australia, it is good enough for me.

Now I need a good protein shake. (It is expensive getting back into shape, but still an ample amount cheaper than Class A substances.) It pays to spend well on protein, as the cheap stuff is weak and blobby as it doesn’t mix very well because you need 6 scoops of it. With the quality shakes, just 2 scoops will see it thick and tasty. My only problem is that I don’t use my fridge because my electric meter is faulty, so I won’t be able to have them whenever I want. I’ll have to buy milk from the shop and make a shake right away while it is still cold. When I had a working fridge (Damn you Southern Electric!), I would put them in the freezer for half an hour, until they were a bit icy, then take it to the gym with me. By the time I finished my workout, 45 minutes later, the drink would still be nice and chilled.

I’m hoping they sell shakes in the gym I join, so I can have one on the way out, but I doubt it. Immediately after working out is the best window for nutrient intake, and I’m used to a semi-icy shake and a protein bar. Now it might have to be a bagel and some bananas. I’ll find a way to get massive and huge, trust me. Where there’s a will there’s phat muscles.

I’m hoping my muscle memory will kick in and activate ASAP. MM is basically your muscles remembering how big they were once and getting there faster the second time after shrinkage. Gains can come breakneck when you train smart. ATM I’m doing plenty of stretching and posing, trying to get limber and flexible. It is not feasible to get lumpy and tonky all over as I’m not a professional bodybuilder tanked up on juice (no offence); I do however want to improve my mind-muscle connection and own the shape God has given me. Like Arnold said in Pumping Iron (1977), the pump is better than sex. I’ll be looking into asking my neighbour to purchase me some Nitric oxide off ebay soon as well. Have I spelt that right? Isn’t that what they put in cars? I’ve only ever tried it once but the pump from it was very noticeable.

My bubble gut is a problem, but power lifters have bellies and they still look strong and powerful, so it is not too ego-deflating. I’m still learning to love myself and that means being happy with my body too. Christ, listen to me. Next I’ll be banging on about getting some of Rylan’s Colgate powers (white teeth). £2000 roundtrip to a Turkey dentist please…

The last time I joined a gym, it shut down the next day thanks to Covid. That was the last gym session I ever had. I did it back at Walter O’Malley’s oldskool hardcore gym here in the town of Warrington, NW England, between Liverpool and Manchester. I’m hoping that very soon this will change and I’ll be deadlifting like a maniac any day next week. Deadlifting is a monster exercise for me, I grow like a python who has just swallowed a cow. The hard movements really separate the men from the boys, especially legs. I hope to be squatting and leg-pressing my way to glory in around the same timeframe. Please wish me luck. A simple quick prayer or two would be greatly appreciated. As always, thanks, and keep coming back. I’ll be here for as long  as possible x