Octo

It’s great to be with you today. I feel encouraged by your presence. Your grace fills me with the intoxicating energy to do better with myself. I’ve been thinking about the pornography shop in Liverpool, about how cosy it would be to frequent their premises and buy 3 interracial titles for £50, before seeing my drug dealer. Then I could, you know, speed out on it, soaking up all the veiny penises and smooth bare female breasts, being spilled all over.

“He pulled her knickers to one side with his teeth, then posted that motherf*cker home…”

Sorry. I’m in a rude mood. My next book will include a character with 8 phalluses, what do you expect? Yes, that’s a leak there. His nickname is Octo-Dick. I’m just not sure whether to put in the hyphen or not. What looks better in print, OctoDick or Octo-dick? Uppercase or lower? These are confusing times.

Seriously, hope you’re well there. This blog is not about me, it’s about you. BLOG SPEAKING: “I’ll be here long after my author.” AUTHOR SPEAKING: “I created you, don’t get ahead of yourself.” This is like AI, isn’t it? Where does AI come from? It comes from the residual self. I know a guy named Pete who’s just got an instillation of artwork in the local library where I write. It’s AI photography, which means that the computer throws one up with suggestion. Honestly, I don’t know if there is a camera involved or what. The effect is pretty impressive, although far from heavenly vistas and paradisiacal panoramas, it is mostly people sat around in offices looking bored. Beautiful, though, isn’t it? You can have anything in the realm of Google images (limitless), but Pete wants someone looking bored in an office. Personally, lately, I prefer Bing images.

Back to Octo. Yep, he’s got 8 dicks. I’ve got about half a dozen shags he’s lined up. I’ll list them here or you. The first one is Emily Van Camp from Everwood and Revenge. The second one is Vera Famiga from Running Scared and Source Code. The third one is Scarlett Johansson from Lucy and Black Widow. Here’s where my memory runs out. The fourth, I think, is Clare Danes, from U-Turn and Homeland. The fifth is Chloe Grace Moretz, from Kick-Ass and the Carrie remake. Finally, we have Marisa Tomei, from The Wrestler and Spiderman. That’s all I’ve got in the locker right now, but if I didn’t write this blog, then I don’t think I would have even remembered them lot even so far. It’s nice to keep notes online. I get ahead of myself that way. Aren’t these characters, so far, magnificent though? So bloody fit and sexy and cute and pretty. Inspiring, too. They are genuinely inspirational. These are the bunch of celebs my boy Octodick wants to get himself stuffed into, throbbing at the tip and spewing from the middle. Suck on, lick on, spill the beans, up the Red Rum and no harm done. Do you know what I’m saying to yous though, do yous really? Come on, get with the program. This is OctoDick! My new character…