Addiction

Addiction is such a cunning and baffling enemy. Just when you think you have it defeated, it drags itself up from the ashes to wreak havoc moreover once again, returning like Freddy and Jason. Why do we continually go back to the crap, like headless chickens and dogs to vomit? I’ve been on this hamster wheel for over 25 years now, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I first met a woman named Bennie I burned my collection of pornography and thought it was all over, early doors. 46 days later I had a sober fap to porn (with happy ending) and was placed instantly back on the painful carousel again. I was talking to my CPN about this earlier today (main nurse). About the drugs, the porn, and the masturbation, and about how they all link in to each other. He suggested I should split them up because it is only the substances which are harmful, not the porn or fapping. But, for me, porn is a spiritual addiction. I feel like it distances me from God, and that is never a good thing in anybody’s handbook. If I have a 5-minute knockout (wank), then I lose my clean time. This is just part of the strict guidelines I have imposed upon myself. If I have a line of coke, I similarly lose any clean time I’ve been in hard work building up. To do all three together, including using the porn, just kicks all my clean time into touch. 20 days (at the moment), does not feel like a lot, but it depends which way you’re looking at it. If someone said you can have a Zonda in 20 days time, I’m willing to bet that that time would drag like a bitch. 20 days into the future is a long time, but, going backwards, it doesn’t feel like so much of a hike. I guess that’s why they call it 20/20 vision in hindsight.

Am I still dreaming of ever getting clean for eternity? Well, I’d rather be sat on 20 days and asking these questions than not. On Day Zero, the answer is no, yeah you are still dreaming Mr. Buddy. But with 20 days, there’s a bit of hope. I’ve done 20 days, why not do 40, 60, 80? I’ve been reading my power bible, and after my last God-moment during the aftermath of my last hellish relapse, I’m starting to think that this is my last chance saloon. You’re reading someone here who has never cried out to the heavens for help, but the heavens themselves have cried out for him. I had visitations from good spirits last time proclaiming their love for me. That’s why it’s different since my last relapse, because now I’ve got God and Love in very real tangible terms. If God and Love can’t beat a problem, then I for one am running out of ideas. They are the most powerful concepts in the known universe, if you ask me. That is why I harbor an air of silent confidence, because I know I am backed up by pure raw unadulterated power.