Lapse

Just to get it out of the way, I’ve experienced a lapse on the porn and coke. I’m not crying over spilled milk, however, and jumping straight back into the saddle. I don’t know what happened, one minute I was happy eating a mixed grill in the pub, and the next moment I was in the loop shop perusing the DVDs. Without thinking too much about it I purchased 3 for £60, then went home, neglecting my scheduled art class, and scored. The porn was absolutely rubbish and I woke up today wanting to stay in bed with half a tear in my eye. Those familiar waves of depression started to try and roll over me but I nipped them in the bud double-smart quick-time and got myself out to a therapy group. As of now, I am extremely disappointed but refusing to get down about it. I’m not saying that I don’t have a conscience; regret and shame and guilt are never very far away, rumbling around in the deep chambers of the psyche, but I humbly deny and refute the effects which arise from wallowing in that melee of self-pity and doubt.

I still have my Love and God. These are absolutely imperative to my survival at the moment. I’ve only just discovered them. I’m an infant Christian, and succeeding at recovery can take many years. Not everybody does it, this ‘disease’, as they call it, steals and claims many lives. I’m thankful to be here and still be breathing. Breathing is the main part. The trick is to keep doing it. Plus, I have issues now with even calling myself an addict. So many addicts self-define themselves by that very title. I’m not a straight-head all the time, so what? Who doesn’t like getting off their tits now and again? It might be in my nature to embark on sprees of self-ruin; I might have that addictive self-destructive gene that is super almost impossible to shake off. But I will NEVER give up trying. Like I was saying, it’s just a case of getting straight back into the saddle and politely asking God for forgiveness before starting all over again.

“Dear God, please forgive me of my sins. It is not me who commits them, but the sinful members which live within me. I believe that Jesus Christ is your Son and that you raised him from the dead. I believe I am a good person aside from my addiction. And I believe that you will restore me to sanity in your own time. Amen.”

Thanks for sticking with me throughout this crippling affliction. I hope I’ve not depressed you too much. On a brighter note, I’m back in the dating game and batting the birds away. I’m about to have a drink with Antonia again, and I had Vicky around the other day. I’m realistically confident about beating this addiction foe one day very soon, everybody I’ve met says it takes time, so I’ll stick to my guns and not give up. All the very best, A.