Bullet Proof

Day 37. All is well with the world, my Irish Eyes are smiling. Yesterday was quite a tough one, I was fighting the Devil all day. He never leaves me alone for even an instant, it feels like. It’s just an elongated game of tennis between Him and my Protective Spirits. I’ve got a new scenario swirling around my head. Scenarios are important, I regularly pray for them. This one is of my Protective Spirits lined up on diving boards, about to have a race-off in an Olympic swimming pool. Well, not boards as such, but shall we call them podiums. I’ve lined up my seven wives and they’re about to go hell for leather. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to watch Angels in action, in a competitive field? They would be quite something to behold, wouldn’t they?

I’ve not progressed into the actual race yet, because I can’t pick a winner, but I do like to line them up and observe their little pre-race rituals, like adjusting their caps and putting their goggles on. In fact I’ve now made them into “flesh-eating zombies” to boot, so they are gorging on human hearts and other organs on the starting block. All very angelic behaviour.

Red Jacket is my good demon. She’s the split personality, made up of two different women. One looks like the pop star Katy B and the other looks like someone I used to sleep with. She wears a size 50XL waist for humour, because the person she is based on went fat. Yesterday, up against the Devil, was a full day of humour. As Russell Crowe says in The Pope’s Exorcist (2023): “The Devil hates jokes.” I always thought that the Devil had a sense of humour, but apparently not.

I’ve started feeling a shred of compassion for him. This you would think would prove impossible considering he hounds me on a daily basis; but it’s true. It must suck to be the Devil, despite all his acclaimed power. Where does he choose to use it all the time? – on little old me! That’s what I don’t like about him. What is it with me? Why is it that my enemies get bloated on my suffering all the while? They’ve even given me a supernatural title. I’m not about to repeat it at this moment in time but one day I might tell you.

Many supernatural things have happened to me, but this is not because I am a supernatural being. I am simply surrounded by a hive of supernatural activity. I was thinking about becoming a psychic at one point. Perhaps the strangest and most wonderful thing to ever happen to me is the time when a bullet bounced off my head. It nearly knocked me off my feet but it didn’t floor me. Bullshit, you might be thinking, and I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that, but what I say to you is 100% true. It was an assassination attempt on my life in the local supermarket car park. What else could it have been, to knock me off my feet? God stuck out his arm and deflected it.