Calling From The Depths

Day 42. I went for a pint this morning only to be knocked back at the bar because it wasn’t 9 o’clock yet. I didn’t think there were licensing laws anymore. I thought you could drink as soon as the pub opened. Apparently not. I had to wait twenty minutes to get served! Just been breakfast club for the usual cooked-on toast. I’ve got AA, SMART, and a visit to Pause to look forward to. No rest for the wicked eh?

It all seems so tedious and mundane, walking around the town from place to place, but it’s only when the options are gone when you fully start to appreciate what you’re missing. At least I’m active, and I value being active, out and about. Being trapped behind those closed doors in psychosis is gut-wrenchingly terrible, I can’t stand it anymore. So I’m grateful that that isn’t the case today.

I’ve got enough in the bank for some porn and two 8-balls, if I want. But hey guess what – I don’t want. Well I kinda do, but I’m not going to. Because it always ends in tears. The voices will come back, the hallucinations will come back, and the Devil will gain a foothold in my life again. I seriously don’t miss that cretin.

My main persecutory voice I call Mr. Banana. It’s my new nickname for him. I miss him even less than the Devil. I wonder what he’s up to now that he can’t harass me anymore. For some reason he only harasses me when I’m strung out on drugs. I think I’m too powerful to harass when I’m clean and straight. There’s no point, I’m too strong, I’ve got all my mental scenarios and my inner voice rip-roaring along at 200mph. There’s no room left in my brain for hate-mobbers. It’s clogged with the General Commission. The General Commission is the collective term for my Protective Spirits.

I’ve got a new scenario, apart from the swimming podiums. The General Commission are all playing on a sinking ship and I’m a King watching it capsize, entranced by their beauty, unable to tear my eyes away. It’s a revamp of the end of Beowulf (2007). In that, Angelina Jolie plays a demon bathing in the waters, enticing the new King to join her in the depths. I would walk over hot coals to be within winking-distance of my General Commission. They are so gorgeous (because they are Angels), I’m so lucky!

They are playing guitars and doing cartwheels on the sinking ship. It’s on fire as well. Prue, my oriental schoolgirl angel, is floating in the waters. It’s sunset. You can see a hint of cleavage above the lapping waves. She’s made of gold, and she teases me in with her eyebrow. I can’t remove my eyes from them, and I take my first step in. I must be with them, in this eternity or the next, it’s destiny, it’s meant to be, it’s all I want, all I have ever wanted…