Day 38

 

Day 38 in my challenge to stay clean. I’m doing really well, aren’t I? It’s important to pat yourself on the back now and again, as nobody else will do it for you. I know a person who is doing that a bit too much to himself, he was on death’s door last week and now he’s walking around saying he’s smashin’ this and he’s killin’ that. Bruv, you was out for the count a minute ago! And there’s another broad who’s exactly the same, last week she was pissin’ her knickers in a doorway and today she’s a Champion of Recovery. You find people like that in this game, there’s a heap of phonies and fakers. I went to a meeting last night (NA), and left straight after the main share, by Hazel. I’m finding it a tad pompous, as I think that I’m the only hardcore addict in Warrington. Seriously, how many other dudes are fighting the dual addiction of amphet and porn, coke if I’m lucky?

I’m not having many sexual thoughts. That’s half the battle. The more you watch the more you think about it. Triggers everywhere. Girls in tight trousers or short skirts. At times it’s almost impossible to see just about anything else! It gets into the mind, it seeps into the soul, every day I ask God to humbly remove my shortcomings. I get this loan I’ve been on about on Monday, it’s only £350, but it’s enough for 3 porn DVDs and an 8-ball of coke, should I desire. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? I secretly tell myself. Except then I play the tape forward. Playing the tape forward is a SMART tool technique to combat The Urge. It’s like fortune-telling, you simply look forward to the future based on past experience and envisualise where your drug taking will take you. In my case, tears. It always ends in tears. During my last relapse I prayed to God that he would not let me suffer anymore; that eventuality, I’ve since realised, lies in my own hands. I was making myself suffer, with my behaviours. I often used this quote, when it came to addictive substances and porn: “It makes me weak, yet it keeps me alive.” It’s from a song called Keine Liebe by Eisbrecher. I would hang on for pay day, and I mean really hang on, to the point that when it finally came around, I couldn’t consider myself bearing one more day without using. Honestly, I couldn’t stand the thought of one more day without drugs or porn. There was this song as well, by Moonspell, it was called A Walk On The Darkside. I swear, this song was like a permission statement to use again. Every time I listened to it I used shortly afterwards! “And you walk…the darkside…again…” And I did walk the darkside. Many, many times. But, hopefully, fingers crossed, no more.

Been drinking to the healthy balance reacquainted in my mind’s equilibrium. I’d drink for or against that though to be frank with you. When things are going well, drink, when things are not going well, drink. My mate Mike has put me onto a new trick, by adding a drop of lime to a pint of lager. My health is in danger though, fellow bloggers, because of my smoking. I been getting breathless in the mornings, and relying on my Ventolin inhaler too much by sucking on it like a dummy. I truly need to quit, I sense a Hay Fever attack lying in wait around the corner if I don’t. Anyway, it’s been nice knowing you.

I fear I am running out of stories too. I been putting all my psychosis experiences on here and now I’m at a loss as to which direction to turn to. I might just start making stuff up. That’s what someone said about my blog, once upon a time, he said: “It’s just full of made-up crap.” Easy on the compliments there. I know that. Except that most of it is true, I don’t need to make anything up, art imitates life and fact is stranger than fiction, everyone knows that.