Shelf Kit

Not sure what to bang on about today. The world is at my fingertips and all the subjects in it but my brain feels like a closed-down pea. Why isn’t anything exciting going on, to prevent me from using? Where’s the family and the career and the sports car? Nowhere to be seen, that’s where. I have nieces and nephews but I don’t see them often enough. It would be nice to mess around with them a bit more, to fondle and cuddle their precious little imaginations. I’m out of pocket thanks to my latest coca binge, it’s one of the worst things about it. I had a full day of psychosis too, which is always about as welcome as getting kicked in the ghoulies by a pair of lead wellies, or a transorbital lobotomy performed in freezing conditions.

Pulling myself back up onto my feet, slowly, and trying to be active. Although I said that the last batch of porn I watched was rubbish, the actresses are still calling to me, asking me to give them a second chance. The shitty thing is that I am already thinking about it again. The more you use, the more you want to use, and the longer you leave it, the easier, in a way, it gets. I don’t know – it’s a bloody nightmare isn’t it? Why does porn have to exist? And Class A substances? I wouldn’t wish them on my son. If they claimed a part of his life, what would I say to him? I’d tell him to just ride it out and not to beat himself up about it. I’d want him to enjoy it, if he absolutely had to, and never to cry.

I’d want my son to have a shelf kit; that much is for certain. A shelf kit is my invention. Basically, it’s just a collection of confectionery on a shelf. I had a mint one going on last year during my time behind hospital bars. It grew to a considerable size. I even had some rules around ‘Shelf Kit’, which I’ve now forgotten because I ate it all in the end. The main gist though is to collect the sentimental chocolates and sweets from childhood, and use them as your building blocks to accrue other confectionery, governed by the principles of your choice. You might want all the versions of one chocolate, for example, or you may want to promote novelty items. The preference is completely up to you. You choose a single shelf fashioned from the many thousands and thousands of products out there, and you stand by it. I used to analyse my shelf kit and talk to myself about it, about why a certain item has made it in and others haven’t. It passes time greatly when you’re locked up, and it’s a good Willy Wonka feature to any loving household. The hard thing is not munching on it, but having it as a visual component alone. Why? Because it’s ‘Shelf Kit.’

Just to add, I’m really happy to be able to be in a position to promote this blog to you, my personal and unique White Voider. I have my troubles, as you are well aware, but at the moment I am incredibly grateful to be alive. This comes after attempted suicide. After that, the world takes on a special hue. I’ve stared death in the face multiple times, and I always come through. In a way, I’m overjoyed to be here with you, sharing the secrets of my spirit. My soul at times feels rhapsodic and deliriously blissful to be partaking in this universal parade of life, with all its happenstance and sovereign synchronicity. Thanks be to you. May all the loving peace of Christ Jesus be eternally present in your dealings. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. So long for now.

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