I’ve had my
blowout; the world is now a different place. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t. There’s
always time to change though. It’s not all it’s cracked out to be. Nothing lasts
and everything soon shall pass. It’s taken a valuable three days of recovery
away from me. And it has made writing this blog post harder than it should be.
I’ve just been to attend a SMART group at Pathways only to find out that I’ve
mixed up my times, and it isn’t on. Which brings me here earlier than I ought
to be. I haven’t blogged since last Sunday, when a date with a porn star seemed
heavenly. Now, it feels a bit hellish. Isn’t
it amazing how plastic the mind is, how it wants one thing at one time and then
another thing at another time?
I failed to
read my bible once the deed was done, so I missed out on God talking to me. I’ll
be reading a bit of it later. I’m currently on Ecclesiastes, the wisdom
writings of the Old Testament. At the moment it is saying that basically
everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I like it. It’s different
to anything else in the bible. King Solomon had it all but thought nothing of
it. They say he was the wisest man in the
world.
I hate the fact that it makes talking
to my White Voider feel like a chore. I should be happy here, sharing with you, I should be
buzzing; opposed to that, I feel slightly down in the dumps. The comedown from
all that coke on the brain and the nervous system is bound to make me feel like
that, I suppose. What goes up must come down. It’s a side-effect of fighting
all these dark forces I’m up against.
The only
thing I regret about blowing out is
the psychosis I discover myself involved in when it’s over. If it wasn’t for
that I’d have no issues with being an
addict. But this mental-in-the-membrane madness has to go, I have to put it
behind me. And that means stopping, once and for all. I’ll be okay in a couple
of weeks, this gloominess will be like a distant memory. It’s a journey, life
is, not a race. I know from experience how things usually turn out. The main
thing is that I’m not afraid. I’ve curtailed my fear. For years I was spooked
out, running around in circles in the middle of the night, scared of my own
shadow. But that was when I was Godless.
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