I’ve just
sat in a lovely peer-led group with us all each facilitating the meeting because
Brian the SMART leader was off rambling around Welsh mountains. I think SMART
stands for Self-Management-And-Recovery-Training. It was an informal gathering
and we continued talking until well after our time was up. There’s a lady there
named Fiona who I quite like a lot. She’s about 52 or something, and a drunk. Drunks
are a bit boring, I think, compared to addicts, especially with the no
glorification rule, which forbids them from telling us about all the wild
outrageous and brazen scandalous funny times they’ve had on the booze. Still, I
learn a lot from them, which is why I attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). They can still hallucinate, and they can
still know that familiar overwhelming murky gloom which at times can flummox
the addictive brain.
I shared
about my current predicament, being addicted to a porn star. I said that I watch
it via a live-stream portal, so that we can see each other. They asked me do I
love her and do I want a relationship with her. The answer is no on both
counts! It is not love at all, it is merely sexual desire. Part of me thinks
and knows it is disgusting and gross, yet the sinful members of my body are
attracted towards such lewd carnality because it is entertaining and pleasurable.
I mentioned my protective spirits which watch over me at all times, and said
that I was having second thoughts because of them. How would you feel, if you were an angel, sent to protect someone, and
they were fapping over the devil all the time? It would be quite
infuriating, wouldn’t it? I don’t know how I can find it inside me to do it to
them. It’s just sheer lust addiction. I’ve always said that nothing else matters when on the coke
and porn.
We were
brought free pizza in halfway through the group as a gift from the cooking
group here at CGL (Change Grow Live). CGL is a big rehab constitution
throughout the country, they have centres everywhere but Warrington’s services
are regarded as up there with the best of ’em. It’s widely regarded as a scummy place for druggies and a magical
palace of recovery and strength and hope and faith in equal measure. I
choose to perceive it as a bit of both. All I know for sure is that I’ll be
getting a phat dollop of dopamine dumped in my brain come payday, with my porn
star and my drug of choice, thank you very much. I know, that is defeatist
mentality, I should be saying that I’m going to batter my addiction and never
use that crap again, and to stay far away from pornographic tarts, but there
you go, I’m just spitting the God’s honest truth about proceedings.
Even on a
perfect day, after maybe say making a 147 at The Crucible Theatre, scoring the
winning goal at Wembley, skydiving, white water rafting, winning at a poker
game, even killing a man-eating lion with nothing but torches and spears with a
gaggle of Neanderthals; nothing compares to the dopamine buzz on coke and porn.
That’s why it’s got me by the short and curlies at the moment; you can’t attain
the same feeling anywhere else in life, and life is a big place. I don’t know
what I am going to do, maybe just one last time, it is always just one last
time; walking on the dark side, burning
the midnight oil, sabotaging my bridges. May it one day end once and for
all…like maybe when I’m dead Lord.
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