Reprieve

I should be in psychosis now, hallucinating with a mob of evil phantoms. I planned to use last night. I’ve had no intentions all week but yesterday afternoon the addiction crept in and put my relapse in the post for me. I was counting down the minutes as usual by late evening. My money normally goes in at half nine. I meet my dealer at the cashpoint every time. I had my porno DVD set up and everything – Kacie Castle was waiting; only, to discover, much to my chagrin, that my money hadn’t gone in. Disaster!

I tried half an hour later and half an hour later after that, then decided to cut my losses and get a pizza with some high-strength lagers. I sat there drinking and smoking thinking I was missing out, I should be snorting some nice lines by now, but eventually, after an hour or so, I got over it. I was more worried that my cash flow had been stopped, and the money wasn’t going in at all. Fortunately, I’ve checked the bank this morning and it’s in. It’s gone in!* But the problem still remains. Will I use later, when my dealer finishes work?

I felt so fresh waking up today, clear-headed. I could get used to the feeling. Normally, I’d be bogged down by voices. Maybe it was my higher power giving me a night off, away from the drugs. It’ so nice having no voices, life is good and the world is a great place. With them, it’s just so miserable. They’re so negative, it rubs off on me, plus all my brain chemistry is mixed up and scrambled beyond all recognition. All that besides a host of other neutralizing cons. It would be super to stay clean and get through this payday again, I was forced to do it last night, but only because choice was taken away.

It’s Easter weekend, a time of year earmarked for holiness and divinity, and I want to feel good about myself during it. I might even go the cemetery again and try and will Apocto into being (the giant pair of lips I witnessed hovering in the sky), as something special always happens when I go to the graveyard and mutter a mouthful of sincere prayer. There’s a little special place where the infants are buried and I’ve considered going there to ask their souls for assistance in my stand against evil, only if it’s not a burden to them of course. I did something similar once before in the dead of night, with the spirit who I call Cam lee. We were both charging across the graves in the dark and I was shouting for help from the dead at the top of my voice because I kind of collect ghosts around me. I knew that they were present and I just needed a bit of support from their realm.

“I’m in a real struggle for my life here dead people. If it isn’t too much to ask can you please spare some time aside to help me conquer Lucifer? I wouldn’t ask and I hope you don’t mind but I’m desperate and my eternity is at stake. Thank you.”

I remember going to a mass grave on some hospital grounds and saying a prayer, only to see several spirits rise up from the soil and join me. They looked like semi-invisible transparency. It was an uncanny spellbinding moment which pleased me greatly because one of them looked like Plain Jane, one of my favourite characters from one of my favourite books which I written myself. It was so pleasing to know in my heart that she is onside. Being with her makes me feel childish with giddiness and glee. I was inspired to create her as a character from a porn movie. That’s happened on several occasions. I spent so much time with porno women, I wrote about them and made them real in my books; that carried their legitimacy on into the spirit realm. It’s extraordinarily fascinating. As an apostle of an all-powerful mighty God, my life is charismatically magnetic with fanciful energies and mysticism at times. I need to focus on this positivity later when my dealer comes knocking with a £240 bag of coke for sale, which will more or less drive the Devil into my consciousness with a thunderbolt. Not needed, and not necessary. I prefer to hang out with angels, preferably.

I’ll probably use, although I have large doubts. I’m kind of using against my will if I do, because I really want to cling to this freshness of mind I have at the moment. It’s worth clutching onto tightly. I’ve come to the library first thing today to get out of the flat, and after this I’ve got a Soup ‘n’ Chat meeting at the local mental health drop-in with Fiona. Then it’s a Positive Thoughts group at Pathways, and I’ll probably have a pint after that. Soon after my dealer will be finishing work and I’ll have a decision to make. It’s just so boring without drugs, there’s nothing to do, even though they always make me end up in tears. It’s that familiar bed of nails I’ve grown so accustomed to lying upon. Hopefully, with a bit of luck, determination and will power, I might survive Payday Mark 2.0. Whatever happens, I wish you a great and happy holiday period.

*“It’s gone in!” is the commentary by John Motson to my favourite ever football goal, scored by Steven Gerrard in the FA CUP Final against West Ham, 2006. Got me out of my seat.