No More Sinful Mood

I’m beginning to have doubts about me being here bang slap in the centre of town, all up in the public section of the local government’s council offices, using their typing machines. I mean, isn’t access to these personal PC computers limited to letter writing and general enquiries? Surely they’re not for the likes of me using them for originative endeavours like apology, testimony and fiction? Ah well, I’ll dig my heels in until security politely ask me to leave. Which they usually do, after six pints and a stripdance/singsong.

There’s a new slime hall for kids opened up in the district. The authorities won’t let me anywhere near a minor. Don’t worry, this is not because I appear on some sex register; it’s just because I love them a great deal and enjoy bonding with them. To compensate for this, I invent ‘spiritual’ children in my subconscious and relate to them internally, in my heart if you like, but these too get attacked by dark forces against The Lord via cloning, hijacking and usurpation.

How do you like properly hold onto something in this villainous life, something which belongs to you, and something which is preciously coveted by warmongers of the world?

Answer: With the anchors of your heart.

There is nothing so dark, and yet so tenderly loving, as the human heart. Mine has been chewed, regurgitated, and chewed again. By the same old toxic unwanted people, committing the same old crimes, against the same old aching heart.

That heart would be mine. This is ‘mein herz’ displayed in the best approximation of wordplay I can muster in a race against the clock at the moment, without trying to be so awesome that I make you feel small in comparison. Because you know what the wise men say…comparison is the thief of joy.

I saw a school outing of ‘ducklings’ (kids in an orderly queue) earlier, leaving the cinema. Rather than ogle them up, I half felt inclined to get out of the ballpark before someone called the busies coz I was enjoyin’ watchin’ somethin’.

I feel cheeky no matter what I do lately, as if I belong in no real place, like a nomad with no real roots. Sometimes, on good days, when I’m feeling like I belong, I’ll visit the Chinese grocery shop and take a look at the names of all the strange branding. What I see are lots of monikers, big-ups, hollas and call outs relating to my childhood, as if the great nation of China was built on my personal raising through the council estate ranks in England, as a working class foot soldier for The Lord.

Particular buzzwords, unique to me, spelled out on their fancy packaging, assault my eyes all over the shop floor. It’s hard to explain. Basically, I feel like their government has been harvesting my creativity since I was little, relabelling their products after aspects of the fantastical worlds I create in my literature. Despite their unbelievable innovation, I have reasoned that China are in the business of ripping people off. May I go so far as to disclose that a lot of their them are nasty thieves. Joking, naturally. I would never make such a broad sweeping statement.

Last week I boasted that the pornographic industry was designed for me. Now I’m breaking wind that the Chinese Food industry is based on my childhood. Guess what might be headin’ my way, with claims to fame like these ones – yeah, bingo, a visit to the psych ward for mental assessment! Because I am off. My. Chops.

Sober, however. High on life. I haven’t consumed an alcoholic beverage this calendar year. Where are we now, midway through March? I know other high-flying bloggers who post pictures of themselves tanked up, reclining on their sofas, posing with bottles of chilled beer. I’m not envious about that, but I am slightly impressed. That’s the kind of thing I would do, if I was into taking pictures of myself.

I must admit though, that once you see a photograph of a writer you like, their work loses an air of anonymity. I like reading writers when I have no idea how they look. As soon as you see their countenance, stereotypical judgements come flooding in, including sexual ones, especially if they are of the opposite sex. I mean, what if you’re in love with their work, but they have leprosy on their face, or are disfigured, or disabled, or suchlike? It affects your opinion of them massively. I’m currently against author photographs on jacket sleeves.

I know an author online who writes about her own smile. Boy has she got a terrific one. But come on…

My higher power, a literary gatekeeping giant who I won’t name anymore, wrote a scene about a detective sat at his desk looking up at the ceiling. I wonder what he was up to himself, when jotting that eye-popping nugget of information down. Was he sat at his desk looking up at his ceiling by any chance? Doesn’t take Sherlock, does it?

Similarly, Lee Child readily admits on camera that when he has a coffee, Reacher has a coffee. Or is the other way around? Either way, they both guzzle lots n lots of coffee. It’s all they flippin’ do, whenever I’m reading anyway. That’s why I read it. To get down with the skinny on Reacher’s coffee intake.

Even better than coffee drinking is Reacher shopping in military surplus stores for shirts, combat pants and toothbrushes. Reacher, shopping…Classic. Coffee swigging, and retail therapy…who needs espionage, violence and conspiracy?

The DeNNis

I have an idea of a killer called The DeNNis. He’s based on a real person. What marks him out as different is the fact that he’s not scary at all. He’s a bit of a dweeb, actually, a pencil-necked nerd, a geek who probably owns the complete Lord Of The Rings collection. No offence against LOTR fans. He’s not that tall, very skinny, and a boring council clerk. He wears plain shirts from the supermarket and pressed trousers with unexciting ties. He doesn’t sport hair gel, and has a sharp hooked conk like a bird of prey. His shoes are black brogue. Slip-on.

There’s not really that much more to say about him! He lives alone, doesn’t drive, no known family, cooks simple meals…and murders homosexuals!

His killing spree has been in full flow for several years, on and off. He pays for their services in the local red light district up Richmond Square, where they hang out beneath streetlamps, half-concealed in billowing clouds of smoke from blunts and vapes. They gather in twos or threes, linking arms in unison. Occasionally you’ll get a singleton in a fashionable wig, whom he picks on. They are all always slim and attractive.

He’s been gay since his first encounter in high school…

He tried and failed ‘giving’ penetration around Aaron Jenkins penthouse suite. Penthouse or Shithouse, it didn’t matter to The DeNNis. The suite belonged to Aaron’s older brother who was working away in Wales. He sold cleaning solution for factories from the boot of his car. (Blast-Away Hydropower could have come in useful for The DeNNis’s bloodbaths later in life.)

The DeNNis and Aaron had been flicking through a XXX magazine, it featured underage Chinese men in varieties of naked poses, having vigorous intercourse with black African studs. These exotic juxtapositions drove The DeNNis doolally. He had only had one mixed-race victim in all this time. The dude was a mixture of Irish and Jamaican, skin the colour of coffee mocha, hair matted rather than dreaded, legs lanky yet strong underneath his stylish jacket which accentuated his buttocks. He like drinking Guiness and listening to Ziggy Marley via portable cassette headphones. The DeNNis thought that Bob had changed his name by DePol.  

Aaron was still alive, to the best of The DeNNis’s knowledge. And why wouldn’t he be? They were both still relatively young. Only both just making way into middle age. He thought he might have bumped into him in a Co-op in Beddington last summer, buying a ham and pickle sandwich, but he couldn’t be entirely sure of the positive ID, not with the goatee and the Lakers cap.

To put it very bluntly, The DeNNis chops up his victims and flushes them down the toilet. No laser etched granite headstones for his casualties. And why would there be? Only poor Gregg Wilton from Ford Common has ever been reported missing. Where did they stick his mugshot? In a side column on page 13 of the Herald Gazette. Which is only good for wrapping chips.

The irate neighbours, met with slammed doors and vulgar gestures during every failed confrontation, have made several complaints about the stench emanating from the drains. The DeNNis insists that it must be dead rats. He uses a mini-chainsaw for the dismemberment business, a 40 quid jobbie online, playing booming classical music over the tinny, rattling friction from the cheap rotors.

He wears a ladies smock when busy in the bathroom, and wellington boots. Underneath he docks a special homemade suit he sewed together himself from bin bags designed to keep every single drop of blood from his skin.

MORE FROM THE DENNIS LATER

Running Scared...Not

I woke up after the standard dream manipulations into a fresh cacophony of gibberish from my stalkers. I always try not to mention them here, as there’s more to me than being a whistleblower, and they crave any semblance of limelight I afford them. My sexual thoughts puts benzene in their pencils, if you know what I mean. They even take credit for this blog, believe it or not. They say that they are putting these words onto the screen through my fingers via my head. Or though my head via my fingers. They act like I’m a puppet of theirs, but like a dream come true I’m starting to see them all as puppets of mine. Unwanted puppets which I’d like to burn on a bonfire, I have to say.

They can’t bear for me to be cheery. If I am, they are cheerier. If I am breathless and laughing myself to tears, which I do often, because I’m going prematurely senile, then it is they who are giving me the joy. If I find a cash five pound note, then they find two. They are ridiculously petty and immature. I’ve said I’m not going to insult them anymore, because like the potential of all worked-up tongues, my words have the capability to pierce to the marrow. I don’t want to hurt my sorry clan of cling-ons, I simply want them to rot in Hell without bashing their gums about my phat belly. They always talk about my phat belly. I know what my own belly looks like.

To anyone out there who is hearing voices and suffering from hallucinations, which are either brain projections or invisible suits, but not a natural disease, please do not panic to the point of despair. Simply quit your vices and you’ll be fine. They prey on our own downfall and they want us to pull the trigger ourselves. Suicide makes them HORNY!

I first saw ‘invisible men’ on the day Corona Virus broke out. I’ve had them chatting all manner of sh*t in my ear ever since. At times it was hellish, they were chasing ‘my fear’ (not me, my fear) all around the estate throughout the night. I’d finally return home, relax, only to ‘partially see’ a blood-soaked weaponized invader invite himself in through the wall. So I’d leave, and start the dance, or shall we call it chase, all over again.

I’ve been such a scaredy-cat in the past, aw man, you would think I was a hopeless coward with the jitters. Two things here: I wasn’t. Plus: There’s nothing wrong with being a hopeless coward with the jitters. These are hardcore criminals with a budding thirst for brownnosing their way up the chain. They will stop at nothing to see innocent suffering. It’s okay to be terrified out of your wits among this devil spawn. I’ve seen people so scared they’ve been running naked down the street away from emergency services. I’ve practically been that person myself. Who to trust? No one.

But alas, people, there is hope, because after putting up with their grief for so long, you start to see it bleedin’ at the cracks. They are just a bunch of bored sados who can’t survive on their own.

We do better than survive on our own. We thrive while surrounded by them. So may you lot live long and watch me progress.

Indebted To Spill

Still busy dodging people who are being dishonest with me. They’ve been lying to me for bare clock movements (time), but I’ve been letting their souls off the hook because I’m a nice kinda dude whose inner vibration mainly chimes to the reconciling/pacifying kinetic fluctuations of peace/goodwill. The bible says that we should not forgive someone seven times, but seventy seven times. I’ve been sussing them out by utilising one of my ‘Denzil’ tricks, which includes a gently mild violation of their personal space. Don’t worry, no one ever gets harmed. When I am certain that someone is observing me in my immediate surrounds, I go and stand directly behind them and pretend to be absorbed with interest about something imaginary on their shoulder. Then I whisper a romantic chat-up line into their ear canal, careful not to spatter them with warm spittle from my tongue. I’ve been thinking about applying lipstick and giving their neck tissue a bit of a beefy, but as of yet there’s no need for that. They soon scarper, relinquishing their normally trustworthy eagle eye.

People greet me in the pub. I respond with, “Not now thanks, I’m psychotic.” Just to give them a clear message that I’m not interested in their crappy small talk. Then they run away to tell the bar manager that I’m not well! Then the bar manager rings the police. The police ring the outreach team…

I’ve also been thinking of other ideas regarding the soft tissue of spying guys’ necks, but we’ll not go into it here, because it might get me arrested, like I’m always getting, all of the time. You don’t have to commit a crime to get nicked (especially if you’re me). I once was sectioned for ‘threats to kill’ for example. I only said that I was going to insert a spiky baseball bat up the nether regions of my ‘fav nurse’, twist it around, and then pull it back out. This was over the phone at said nurse while absent without leave from my very own tribunal. Of course I was joking, but it wasn’t funny on speakerphone to professionals arguing my future. I always crack forceful jokes when on the juice (ale). I was arseholed in a bus stop if I remember correctly. There was no need for the board’s reaction whatsoever. Dr Paul, chiefo quack, wasn’t impressed. Thought the bollocks of my poetry collection though.

We swapped poetry when I wasn’t running around tampering with electric and igniting uncontrolled fires. That’s what they routinely accuse me of. See, I can be placid. When I’m not a psychopath on hallucinogenic compounds bought for £50 on a rainy street corner by a joker who can’t even give me the correct amount of what I wanted. Always under what you asked for, and never too much, isn’t it, have you noticed?

The words, “Excuse me Mr Dealer Man, you’ve given me too much,” have never being spoken.

One poem was entitled, ‘Why Satan is More Powerful Than God.’ Another, ‘Why My Bathroom Is Dangerous.’ And, ‘Why Is The Bus Full Of Porn Stars?’ Sorry, but most of my poems start with a philosophical adverb.

He highlighted some of my proudest verse in bright yellow Sharpie and showed his psychiatric buddies. They included a judge, a councillor and a complete stranger who was oddly listed as one of my next of kin.

Like usual I was arrested by more coppers than you can shake a branch [at], [at] divvie past 3am in the supernat morn. Somewhere deep in the animal hour anyway. My estranged half-sister who I never see any longer calls it the witch’s hour. Her dad, or step uncle as I call him, calls it the wild b*stards hour. The ‘five oh’ bashed my double glazed front door down with what is it, the iron key or the big red key or the magic key or something they call it? It looks like a thick cylindrical cannon. If it’s been deployed for drugs or weaponry, or shoeboxes of laundered cash pound notes stored in the freezer, the time of action is usually 7am. If it’s a disengaging chump who’s swallowed his month’s supply of tablets in one handful and posing as an immediate high risk for possessing of golf clubs, it’s roughly 3.27am in the middle of the night.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to present them with an excuse to detain me anymore, although they don’t need one these days, they just make one up. I’m definitely not responding violently to any provocations in my vicinity (and boy are there plenty of those). I thought about carrying a minute, highly inventive shank around with me, and giving the swarming perps a little slash somewhere, like their lower backs or somewhere. I possessed one at all times on that brutal hospital wing I’ve just made the cut from (pun unintended), for strict measures of self-defence against hotheaded nurses who lived for ‘tying up’ patients (restrained, injected, isolation chambered). But no. I’m fighting back with calmness and solution-focused clarity, not bloodshed.

Phew. Tuff decision ‘dat. For an instant I wanted someone’s head on a spike. Can’yer blame me? I get demoralised and disrespected every time I turn around. Like a fool quick to rise to wrath I’ve recently been keen for going full-on into chaotic fighting mode with whichever jackass oaf numpty blockhead goofball steps in my way. KNOCKING DEMONS BANG OUT BLUD!!! If I stick my chest out some snitch or coward or other reports me for it though. There’s no point in reacting like that. I choose not to react, by giving very meticulous thought about how to respond, instead. Not sure I know the difference like! But it sounds better than swinging for someone’s eye socket.

Double Agents Bums On Magic Seats

I’ve been to a Hong Kong church in my hometown this morning. This was after my usual early morning visit to my favourite coffee shop. They usually only fill the lattes three quarters full. Much of the top half is mostly froth. I’ve politely asked them to fill my cups to the brim. There’s a buzzword in the industry for this practice: It’s called Extra Wet. I recommend you also start asking for your coffees extra wet. You get much more bang for your buck.

I get heckled everywhere I go in public, so after the caffeine boost, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and enter the church to go on the attack against them all. I sat at the very front of the pews, something I never do, shouting, “Long live Lucifer! Long live Lucifer!” Or Loserfer, as he’s known. I know, I know, I’m smack out of order, but come on, it’s only a joke. I didn’t really mean it. I was just looking for a comic reaction. All the Hong Kongish stared at me like a Bushbaby with two heads.

Then there was my apology group. Because my testimony has taken off into stratospheric levels, I’m become prey to a hoard of jealous fellow sharers who have maybe relapsed lately or are lying about how well they are doing. They are trying to get me omitted from the group for being disruptive when I do nothing but question how the apology structure should be managed. We have values on the white board which need reading each and every session. There are rules I’m familiar with which go back years, and yet new faces with false testimony are moving in for the kill and shifting the goalposts.

My apology group is a special place for struggling recluses to come to for comfort and solace from me, which I freely & graciously offer with compassion and love. I have been in a crusade against addiction for over 20 years. Like most middle-aged addicts I have a story. I often make a joke to the other participants, stating that I have the best story. This is not too far from the truth. In a way, I mean it.

The story of my life, despite hardly any career or travel, is astoundingly incredible. I don’t share it, because no one would believe it. But I touch upon it eloquently and poignantly. It’s so touching and tearful at times. I hope it inspires.

So, for the lost souls who blunder in through the door, baffled by the chaotic disaster of their lives caused by drug and alcohol abuse, my apology group is a chance to get emotional, expressive and intellectual about their shattered lives. Because talking matters. It is the last chance saloon for some. Plus, recovery IS possible. There is nothing quite so magic as a destroyed victim of substances standing to their feet again and forging a rewarding, fulfilling life for themselves. Getting their families back, managing their finances efficiently again, getting healthy and fit once more, and all of that other good stuff which arrives with sobriety.

I adore meeting those who are crushed by their own self-destructive nature when it comes to booze and drugs. Even Sex Addicts are welcome. Any kind of addiction at all. I do not own the premises to these apology groups, but I consider myself the main guy there. Mainly because I see it as apology, like all the greats, and not merely ‘sharing’ about narcotics. And we don’t wallow in defeatist terminology either: I try to speak like a politician upon whose words hang the fate of the spiritual state. My own destiny depends on how I react to the prospect of falling foul to demonic temptation. If I die, the universe dies with me. That’s how I see it anyway. Because if I’m not present, it won’t be in my perception anymore. If it’s not in my perception any longer, it may as well not exist. I am the state, in a fashion. And the state is me.

The economic state can find a tall cliff and topple off over the edge of it. All that cares about is change and growth which arises from destruction and creation. No need to mention corruption. Bombs away! Another country liberated by US police. Now Pepsi-Cola can move in…

Remarkably however, I find myself in almost violent combat with fakers who are sabotaging my special debating place on purpose and plonking their big fat rumps on my chairs with no drug or alcohol background to speak of! They are double agents there to disrupt proceedings by interrupting people who are testifying, wasting time by waffling about nothing, and generally being low vibrational frequency and bringing the place down in energy.

They are there to terminate my happiness for no reason at all. They strive hell for leather to achieve this in vast organized numbers and with gritty doggedness. One word out of place and they hurry to go above my head and report me. One passive aggressive reaction and they grass me up to the police. They take great umbrage when I retaliate with laughter. Joyful laughter. Because I have joyful laughter in the deep creases of my DNA helixes. This is why everyone hates me. This is why they do it. Worse, they pretend to me my friend in the process, sticking the knife in with a smile and a nudge and a wink. But I am joyful laughter. And I. Am. Apology.

My temper is in the balance lately. I’m honestly thinking about lashing out. This will undoubtedly get me arrested. That means nick, or more likely psych ward. Years of freedom lost. So, if I go missing, don’t fret, I might be able to continue blogging from the prison computers. But rest assured, I shouldn’t be dead. I have quit smoking, and secured myself a future. I am alive and well in Christ, so nothing should happen to me. If you find me missing for several weeks, give it another several weeks before you check in on me again. I should return. Of course, one of these days, I'm going to surely shuffle off this mortal coil permanently, and my last entry will be the deadest last. In that case, you can travel backwards in time via my many previous posts, where I was blindfolded and misled by many untruthful forces, to read about how I arrived where the current date sets me.

Now, as of this day forward, I am grateful and honest with My Maker. I don’t want to be the best blogger in the world. I don’t want a thousand hits a day. I can live without cars and holidays and kids. I just want to retain my joy. I cherish the same for you too, if you’ve been with me on this scribbling nethead’s odyssey into bleak caverns and back again, or if you’ve arrived here accidentally and are simply having a mooch. Now, for the first time, although my persecution is excessively impactful, I sense a clearing of the windstorms, I detect an easing of the overflowing floods. My soul is flying high, my spirit is sailing free, I am conclusively becoming who I was born to be…

Got This Got That

I’ve been getting followed around now for many years, by the same people. There’s been one bin-dipping vagabond in particular who is in the library where I do my blogging every single time I visit, sat there smugly, watching me from the corner of his eye. I’ve finally just gotten rid of the eyesore only to have another watchman take his place immediately. This ‘confronting’ the enemy isn’t going so well thus far. Once you start asking the question, “Are you following me?” you find yourself asking everyone and his dog the same thing. One day sooner or later they’ll be up for a tussle, if I can find one with any minerals, and I’ll be incarcerated for practising kung fu without consent.

I just want to get a few things straight in my life, before I bite the bullet and get done for murder.

I have a future. Now that I’m not drinking or smoking, I can realistically ruminate upon partaking in some exercise. This may take some time to set into motion, because usually, whenever I feel like getting active and running, I lie down in comfort until the feeling goes away. A future to me may mean only several more years of life extension, but if I were to carry on down that route of chain-smoking and necking lagers, I would only last at best several more months. I’d accepted my breathless, bloated fate many moons ago. Those poisons had a vicelike grip over my behaviours, I could not stop, first thing in the morning I would go the shop, I couldn’t imagine being without. Now, there are many ongoing dramas in my life, but self-assassination by harmful chemicals and corrosive fluids isn’t one of them. I will survive much longer now than I previously thought. Sans beer; sans fag.

I have love. Yes, despite wanting my organized stalkers crucified upside down along the high street, I still have love. I refuse to be embittered by hatred, like the cold-as-stone voices which abuse, molest and rape me without even momentary cease. I have high-vibrational compassion going on richly in my life, with empathy and peace. The ring of evildoers around me insist that they have love just because I do (if I had a mouldy butterfinger they’d want a piece of it), but they are lying about it, they are loveless and envious and jealous of my giftings. If I had only a single chipped marble to my name, then they would want to take it off me. They wouldn’t leave me with a pot to pee in. I am a big soppy pants when it comes to love, I wouldn’t dream of ever wanting to snatch it off anybody.

I have joy. Christ, do I ever stop laughing at the silly immature daft perpetrators surrounding me? Instead of being frightful I find them demented. I simply laugh at anything now. Even dark stuff. As long as I am giggling, that is the main thing. Because the Devil hates jokes. Do you think there is laughter in Hell? You’d be wrong if you did. I should know, because I live above it. There’s plenty of whining, but no guffawing. I. cannot. Stop. Laughing. At them.

I am powerful. This is big-headed of me to admit. I don’t mean the deceitful power of supernatural influence, where dead souls serve power over love, but I mean the self-inferred determining power which comes from putting things right with God. I have always been getting walked all over by hostile operatives in the neighbourhood, because I was using drugs and sinning with my loins and not in the scripture, but now I am an iron shank for the Most High. In fact, sometimes, I feel like the Most High. That’s how powerful I am. I walk down the street, and despite never-ending evil opposition, I walk anywhere with my head up fearing nothing, least of all not cowardly sado masochists. Whom I batter.

Snapping Gangs Like Dolls In Apology

I regard ‘sharing’ my experience of resilience, strength and hope in drug counselling meetings as ‘apology’ these days. I’ve always had an interest in apology, watching shows like The Big Questions on a Sunday morning. I’d tune into any debate on the box, be it Kilroy or Esther Ransom or Vanessa Feltz. But what I really preferred were the big religiosity hitters, like Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and William Lane Craig, to name but a few. I adore a good old-fashioned argument between diplomatic intellectuals, I think it’s dead interesting. It’s hysterical if one of them loses their rag.

I once saw an apologist pull another apologist’s trousers down live on air.

Before my meeting this morning, I got a touch violent myself in the canteen room. I accused a group of people of stalking me. Well, I didn’t quite accuse, I asked. Sorry, but it seems like the whole unruly town is in on my collapse. So I’ve started asking a few honest questions to people I don’t wholly trust. But when they look at me as if I’m daft, or pretend to not know what I’m talking about, I tend to get angry with them. I get locked up when I am peaceful, for nothing more than manning a BBQ, so you can imagine the panic in people I incur when I’m ready to throw my weight about.

I was huffing and puffing before, I was ready to batter someone. Some imbecile wound me up by expecting a handshake. When I refused, he followed me around with an extended palm, unable to accept that I didn’t want to shake with him. Then he ran away and grassed on me for getting aggressive. Everyone I know is a snitch round here. Weird thing is, they’re proud of it. That’s why I’m not scared, and why I feel extremely capable at the moment.

I’m Brave Against – 

>other criminal hoodlums

>the corrupt police force

>invisible numpty evil spirits

I’m brave against them because I belong to Christ. I have been persecuted, I am meek with entitled inheritance, I am Heavenly bound, and I, most importantly, am a bloody and violent Angel of wrath (if I want to be).

You should see my rap sheet. Arson, fighting, harassment, weapons, drugs…not proud, but it weren’t my fault. I was young and stupid and being led astray by negative forces. I’m not exulting these deeds but I’m far from ashamed, for they are honest reactions to being raised in modern society. What chance did I have, snatched away as a child? And now being oppressed sadistically by lonely bored maniacs every minute of the day! Go way!

I have a history of violence, and now that I am certain that I belong to God, after much recent doubt, I’ve been thinking about embracing that homicidal unpredictability again, to protect myself and to rout out the snakes. I’ve been a self-professed pacifist for nearly twenty years, so my hands have been tied behind my back all this time.

My brother says that there is a difference between being non-violent, and being harmless. Harmless can’t fight, even if they are provoked.

Still, even as a pacifist, I’ve been arrested for battery. Lol. All I did was break some stalker’s mobile phone as he was walking his Afghan Hound in the local park. I was at my wit’s end. I wrapped my arm around his girlfriend and she pressed charges too. You may not know this, but battery constitutes laying a single finger on another person. Yep, touching their shoulder pleasantly in greeting can be classed as assault. And it was. With me.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someone asked me for a light and then reported me for starting uncontrolled fires on their cigarette. I’ve been done for only marginally worse.

I have a twistedly wickedly streak like most people, only mine is suppressed deep down because of my moralistic convictions. I’ve been considering utilising all my wrath on someone, because the guilty are lining up in front of me with nothing but more sticks and stones to bring me down with. They don’t realise that they are useless agents of the dark one being used as collateral when I go full retard on them with wrestling moves. As I intend to do soon because I’m losing my mind.

You, by simply been here and reading this, help keep me sane. So thank you, if your intentions are pure.

That’s why I kicked off in the canteen earlier. I’d been hearing their voices in my head all night, and next morning there they all are engaged in small talk, as if they are all my friends, doing me favours by telling me the football scores. I was warned not to approach ‘real’ people if you are hearing their voice in your head, it’s probably not them, this new wave of neural weapon can imitate strangers easily, damned if I know about it, I just want to exert my anger over someone at the moment, any excuse’ll do, I’ll be honest about it, because I’m not training in the gym, and getting pent up feelings.

I’ve been thinking about the mentality about being a torpedo, and ‘smashing somone on sight’, (SOS). I reckon I’d be quite efficient at it. Three punches, three kicks, then I’d walk away. I’m fair. I don’t stamp on heads unless they have particularly upset me, although I would in certain circumstances, because 13 years of non-touch torture has me virtually foaming at the mouth for someone’s blood. Question is, whose? Anyone’s while I’m in this mood, straight up. I know this line of venture sounds horrible, but you should see the lengths I’m been driven to.

It would be nice though, wouldn’t it, to exact revenge on one of these impossible-to-describe dirt lords who drive good honest innocent people to the unimaginable despair of induced suicide through years and years of malicious covert harassment? It’s decided. The next person in the street who jangles their keys within earshot is getting thrashed up. Can’t wait to unload some hurting bombs. Their ancestors will feel them, like being kissed by the express train.

This may sound bizarre, but somebody once broke into my apartment and hurt a baby on my bed as I half-dozed on the sofa in the adjacent living room. I was frozen with fear at the time, there was an armed psycho in my home, I almost left. If that occurred now I’d investigate the intruder and dismantle him, no problem. That’s the difference these days between being a hapless victim of evil or a righteous fist of the Good Mighty Lord. I once ran from danger, now I charge into the fray. To live, and also to die, on this chosen, eventful day…

Kismet, synchronicity, zef side and all the rest of it.

I don’t think I’ll lose control, I’m too reasonable, I despise violence, plus I can express all kinds of furiousness through a practiced, measured vocal range in apology. Words can hurt just like a slap with a wet slipper. You should see me in class rip these fakers a new one. People attend apology sessions just to shut me up. For years I’ve let them get away with it.

But now the dream is over, and the monster is awake…

Bad Guys: Heavy Times Taste Hard

I’ve gone through a lot of far-out eventualities here at the hotspot over the years, but not a lot of them have focused on high-vibrational joy. I almost disbelieve I am enraptured by rhapsodic episodes of joy, because it seems too good to be true, but I come across myself at multiple times of the day as laughing so hard that tears are wetting my eyes. It’s as if my recent state of melancholy has released sheer happiness in return.

At one point I was certain that I had lost a daughter. Now, with faith and hope, I only think I have. I mean, I can’t be sure any more. So many forces are at work, I don’t know which way to turn or what to fully trust in. But there is something in me that makes me half-believe that she may still be alive and well somewhere. She sent me a message in a dream which gave me immense hope.

The bad news is that her likeness has been taken over by a heretical stoutheartedness. A wretched spirit, in other words. It looks just like her and tries to vex us both. This is what has been causing me crushing titanic stress in recent times. A lot of religious folk refer to the Devil as the chief whip of their scuppering. My mentor used to call him ‘that dickhead downstairs’. I have had a lot of insults for him lately, and I’ve been letting him know each and every one of them.

How dare any force in nature put me through what I’ve been through!? It’s uncanny. Well, here’s what I do: I pull high vibrational joy out the bag, along with a new daughter birthed nowhere but in the depths of ma restored happy heart. So, if there really is a Devil, apart from mere supremely petty bullies worshipping power and money, he can take that one home with him, mount it on his bespoke mantelpiece, and use it to keep his apt pupils away from the fire. Because I’ve had it with him.

If the swampy soup of brain projections I doggy-paddle in are anything to do with a supernatural deity who collects human souls, then I’ve decided to try and make a determined effort to ignore him and his minions. I’ve been working out low-down energies and they are governed by negative emotions which are currently far out of my scope. I’m nowhere near fear or grief or anxiety or shame, like I have been while steeped in the murky world of porno and naughty substances (including tobacco and alcohol).

I’m full of gratitude, appreciation, wonder, curiosity, relief, reason and enlightenment. Believe you me, I’m celebrating these illusive feelings with non-alcoholic brews to drown myself in sober merriment. All I get told by the unseen enemy is that I’m not going to Heaven, and that they have ownership over me. Me and my faith In Christ have different plans.

Times are hard, don’t get me wrong, one scroll along the hotspot should reveal that demonic activity is present in my existence, but I am standing up erect on the ashes of my ashes/in the temples of my Gods to face what lies beyond them with love, affection and compassion.

I’m a decent kinda guy. The Good Lord knows this.

I’ve gone through a lot of far-out eventualities here at the hotspot over the years, but not a lot of them have focused on high-vibrational joy. I almost disbelieve I am enraptured by rhapsodic episodes of joy, because it seems too good to be true, but I come across myself at multiple times of the day as laughing so hard that tears are wetting my eyes. It’s as if my recent state of melancholy has released sheer happiness in return.

At one point I was certain that I had lost a daughter. Now, with faith and hope, I only think I have. I mean, I can’t be sure any more. So many forces are at work, I don’t know which way to turn or what to fully trust in. But there is something in me that makes me half-believe that she may still be alive and well somewhere. She sent me a message in a dream which gave me immense hope.

The bad news is that her likeness has been taken over by a heretical stoutheartedness. A wretched spirit, in other words. It looks just like her and tries to vex us both. This is what has been causing me crushing titanic stress in recent times. A lot of religious folk refer to the Devil as the chief whip of their scuppering. My mentor used to call him ‘that dickhead downstairs’. I have had a lot of insults for him lately, and I’ve been letting him know each and every one of them.

How dare any force in nature put me through what I’ve been through!? It’s uncanny. Well, here’s what I do: I pull high vibrational joy out the bag, along with a new daughter birthed nowhere but in the depths of ma restored happy heart. So, if there really is a Devil, apart from mere supremely petty bullies worshipping power and money, he can take that one home with him, mount it on his bespoke mantelpiece, and use it to keep his apt pupils away from the fire. Because I’ve had it with him.

If the swampy soup of brain projections I doggy-paddle in are anything to do with a supernatural deity who collects human souls, then I’ve decided to try and make a determined effort to ignore him and his minions. I’ve been working out low-down energies and they are governed by negative emotions which are currently far out of my scope. I’m nowhere near fear or grief or anxiety or shame, like I have been while steeped in the murky world of porno and naughty substances (including tobacco and alcohol).

I’m full of gratitude, appreciation, wonder, curiosity, relief, reason and enlightenment. Believe you me, I’m celebrating these illusive feelings with non-alcoholic brews to drown myself in sober merriment. All I get told by the unseen enemy is that I’m not going to Heaven, and that they have ownership over me. Me and my faith In Christ have different plans.

Times are hard, don’t get me wrong, one scroll along the hotspot should reveal that demonic activity is present in my existence, but I am standing up erect on the ashes of my ashes/in the temples of my Gods to face what lies beyond them with love, affection and compassion.

I’m a decent kinda guy. The Good Lord knows this.

I Have A Professional Greek Soul Wanting Child Rescue

We were gabbing weren’t we yesterday about local groups in my town trying to set me up for prison by getting me arrested for attempting to protect children who are victims of grievous bodily harm in public skits around me. They want me to react by trying to save a minor from abusive false custodians. These custodians will most likely own all the correct documents if I tried to accuse them of unlawful kidnap. I would look like the villain. So, I can’t go nicking kids away from fake parents and starting my own crèche in a council flat. But neither can I completely turn the other cheek.

If I rescued one and took it home to safety, I don’t think that raising a child out of abusive conditions would pain me. In fact, it would be the most beautiful thing in the world. There are qualities listed online about what equips one to be a successful father, and I meet n exceed them all. They are basically simple virtues. I don’t care about what society labels me as. They can take their mental health diagnoses and tipple them into the dustbin. I’ve never heard so much garbage in all my life. Those medical professionals are better writers than I am. In their not-so sacred records I am guilty of firebugging picnics and dollhouses at weekends and tampering with electricity switchboards at other times, amongst other hair-raising habits which maximise ‘risk’. The talented wordsmiths who create the accusations necessary for section make up all types of slander from attempted murder to attempted rape.

My lovely neighbours invent elaborate statements for the authorities which are inspired by television programmes. When I am detained in the back of police vans, and there are fire engines and ambulances present in the cul-de-sac wherein I live, they all walk around my turned-over property for a good ole fashioned close-up ganders. The forensics go over every inch of my property, searching for anything incriminating.

In my younger brother’s bedroom, they blamed his ‘excited delirium’ on a hammer. He later died. But that’s a different story.

Truth be told, I am not really a typical danger to anyone. There are no blood-stained machetes, or bondage ropes, or tommy-knockers, or toothbrush shanks, or anything such else like that. There are no indecent downloads on my personal PC computer, because I do not own a personal PC computer. Christ, wouldn’t they love that. But they wouldn’t find any dodgy deviance there either, because I’m completely straight with my sexuality.

Have you ever heard that idle boast, at least I’m not a paedo? Well, at least I’m not a paedo. So now there. Load that one into your tumble dryer and shrink it silly.

[I have been with a man however. Hold it... He pulled me by pretending to be a music producer. When I got back to his studio, all he had was a Casio keyboard with no pitch wheel and a broken knob, perched on an ironing board as a makeshift stand. He wanted to film me singing on his phone under a bare light bulb. I became convinced that he planned to drug me with a hypodermic syringe filled with a tranquiliser whenever he had the window of opportunity. This notion was deduced by sexually illicit photographs stickered to his walls. They depicted what I presumed to be previous visitors like myself in certain pornographic predicaments, complete in The Lord with gozzy eyes. They had none of the glitz and glamour screengrabs from my boutique shop’s wall of filth have. I played one or two impromptu chords on his ivory plonk machine and hastily skedaddled out of Dodge, mugging him off with an excuse about a job centre appointment with my Flexible Support Fund Advisor, and considered my avoidance of male rape while unconscious a most fortunate escape.]

And hey there, Uncle Sam, why you’re busy admitting to yourself that your reasons for mental retardation detention are a mockery, why don’t you burn my criminal record also too while you’re at it, because most of it was orchestrated whilst dosed on alcohol, which of course isn’t my fault is it, if it’s a legal poison which can be bought on any street corner. I don’t get this police state, and some of the maggots which enforce its wacky statutes. It monitors me, poisons me, tortures me, and then starts physically whimpering when I crawl back to my feet and write about my plight to a fellow sufferer, because they can’t bear to see me exchange a mutual smile with someone genuine.

I tell you this, Dear & Precious White Voider: Somebody out there cannot stand me not to be in torment. It’s not enough that I am simply unhappy, they crave torment. Suppose that I’m not enlightening you on anything new about the world there though, eh? Whatever you do, protect your joy and happiness. Never let the bullies see you down. When you smile and laugh, I smile and laugh with you, because your bubbly enthusiasm for positivity is unsinkably infectious. And isn’t it just a bummer to these losers when we share a splendid chuckle?

I can’t stop laughing lately. Half of it is nervous energy, because I’m haunted by the Devil. He makes me leave insults to the relatives of serial killer victims on distasteful nasty web forums. I’m even banned from gore sites for being too graphic in my trolling.

What is wrong with this world today? Know what I mean? Or Narr Meen, as my boy Paul says it. Can’t harmless creative people get together and enjoy life with sterling intentions anymore? Our life is difficult enough. Growing up and getting old is, I’m finding, such a testing challenge. I’m only trying to rent a book out from the local library, yet maniacs are running around me off their chops, freaking out in case I meet someone else with a positive vibration and God forbid enjoy a conjointed giggle with a student nurse reading a similar book. They bump into me on purpose, interrupt conversations I might engender, and insult me under their breath from an unpunchable distance to dampen my mood.

!!!NOT TO MENTION TORTURE F**KING CHILDREN IN PUBLIC!!!

(Which I don’t like, by the way. Now it’s a deep breath before we commence. To something else other than this hotspot. Because it’s doing my head in. So surf somewhere else. Watch tube TV. Or take a hike in nature or something. But, most importantly, be happy and vigilant until we talk next time. Your protective commander, over n out)

 

 

Remove That Blunt Safety Pin Away From The Child!

One way to guarantee a response in me is to hurt a child which doesn’t belong to you right under my nose. I often get it from cowardly kidnappers round here. It’s sad to admit that this kind of criminal activity goes on in this part of the world. Don’t worry, I’m onto them. I found out that they were exchanging children and cash outside the local supermarket with information such as times and prices stickered to a trolley. I wheeled the trolley away and dumped it in my neighbour’s garden. It got me thinking about children being the main central unit of trade for enterprise around the elites of the world. It’s common knowledge that an awful lot of youngsters go missing every year, but I don’t need to be told by a newscast or any other tidbit of insider briefing that a child of God is the most important and valuable ‘thing’ in the knowable universe.

That’s my opinion, and I believe that like a lot of my beliefs, it’s shared and regarded highly in certain circles. You can talk about property and land until you’re blue in the face with cows coming home, but nothing really hits the sweet spot like a little bundle of baby tot does it? Aw, the way they smell...How much is a baby worth? More than I can afford, that’s what. I’ll be honest with you though, I feel like stealing one lately. Only because other people are doing exactly the same. Why can’t I have one? I may not be the most responsible father figure, but at least I won’t be administering ‘Chinese Burns’ to it in public spaces. Or pinching it with tweezers, or whatever it is they do to the poor mites.

They lie in wait with crying and screaming babies in places I frequent with their ‘plausible deniability’ alibis revised and rehearsed. No visible weapons, no obvious signs of abuse, we ain’t doing a damn thing wrong Your Honour, that delusional schizo is imagining things again. They’re always up to it. Once upon a time I would ignore them and prepare to be downbeat for half an hour or so, thinking about it in depth. This is the only reason they do it. They don’t especially like hurting wee babies (who does?) they simply want to lower my mood. I am so reviled around my home town that ‘the locals’ or ‘outsiders’ depending upon wherever the hell it is they come from, will torture each other’s pets in my earshot to gain nothing aside from an unimpressed kneejerk reaction. For years I kept my reactions to myself. Then God upgraded me to be one of his weapons, so now I have a rather enjoyable habit I adopt which I call ‘driving’ in order to partially deal with these bothersome disorderlies, and I’ll tell you about it now.

‘Driving’ means to follow. When I become aware that unlawful custodians are abusing a child in public, which as I already mentioned happens a lot around here, I simply follow them secretly for a while until we are in a less crowded vicinity. For the longer the better. Then I’ll reveal myself, right up and close on their shoulder, and cough several times rather loudly, or shout at the top of my voice, calling them ‘chicken-hearted scumballs’. I get so pent up with emotion, and I am so unpractised at this endeavour thus far, that my responses are quite unpredictable. I can barely control myself, because all sense and sensibilities, including rationale and logic, are screaming at me to save the child, to snatch it away from bondage, and rescue it away into to a better future. Deep inside, I want blood like they do. Theirs. All over that window there.

Of course I can’t do this, everyone knows it, because I’ll be the one getting detained. If they incarcerate me for lighting imaginary gas canisters outside my home, they’ll sure as hell as like lock up my arse for kidnapping well-to-do white folks’ children. That’s what it looks like, to the untrained eye: A large aggressive man of ethnicity abducting a minor from an innocent couple. A heinous crime. But not as heinous as Child Destruction. I believe that’s the official term for the charge for it.

Can’t anyone tell that the baby looks nothing like its guardians, that it’s yelling the house down, and that they’re all acting terrified? Or is that my bi-polar playing up again?

[Damn crap, I missed my jab. Did I mention that I suspect they are injecting buffing agents into my glutes now, under the guise of life-saving medication? Once I turned it down because it looked like acrylic paint (the bright yellow viscosity was the clue), but usually I haven’t the bottle to look at what they’re giving me. Until now, when I have nobly accepted the enriching authority of serving a just cause In Christ. Sod it, I might even tell them to get stuffed with their drugs. The last ‘poke’ was with an empty syringe. Fancy receiving treatment from a nurse with an empty syringe. That’s how much the authorities take the Michael out of me. I suppose you think I’m a right whopper now innit, putting up with tosh like that. It’s a mixture of disbelief & respect which allows me to put up with such abuse, but things are changing within my waters]

The gangs I deal with often hurt people within earshot of me to maximise a desired effect. I investigate if possible, but usually there’s nothing to find. They hide in regions of the building I have no access to. Or they do it above or beneath me. I think they want me to chase shadows in an emotional state, but they lie about it what they want from me.  They just keep reiterating, through the wishy-washy veil of my tears sometimes, that they are having a lovely time. Usually, if I can’t understand someone’s intentions, I take a considerable close look at my own. Why would I pain-inflict suffer to another individual conscious singularity of biological sentience (aka human being)? Just WHY OH WHY would I? I use my imagination to figure something out.There are motives to everything (but not much more than LOVE, HATE and MONEY). We are all human, aren’t we, at the end of the day? But I learn a lot also from other websites, and snippets from survivor testimonies. These powerful & graceful learned experiences teach me that their ultimate goal is suicide through despair.

Trust me, despair is bad. You have desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, sickness, madness, and then despair. You just can’t do…anything. And this is the perverse providence which potentially awaits ALL OF HUMANITY, if we allow THE SILENT HOLOCAUST through our reception doors, without a thorough pat down.

That’s the mentality of this merry band of men which encircles me, peeps. They’d rob their own grandmothers if they thought it would affect me. I sincerely hope that none of these hatebreeds ever have you appear on their radar. You would not like them. They are petty, they are simple, and they are disgusting. For the moment, let me deal with them. It’s my new-fangled job to protect the nation and afar.

From Chinese terrorists. From Russian spies. And from much, much worse. Just ask Mark M. Rich, and his Hidden Evil. He knows the score.

The Yorkshire Double Dipper

This is one of the hardest times of my life, yet also quite easily the happiest. My harassment from the state has never been quite so intense. The brain projections of my insistently impatient and sometimes panicky stalkers are few and far between giving me no opportunity to draw breath. I’ve gotten to thinking that they are supernatural, after all, because it’s as though they ACTUALLY NEED MY INTELLUCTUAL INTERACTION TO SURVIVE. They get so annoyed when I don’t respond to them that they torture people within earshot. My well-justified ignorance incites their bloodlust. I WOULD respond, if they weren’t chatting bubbles the whole time. It’s only been over a decade of it.

They rely on their disgusting, impossible-to-tolerate presence in my immediate perceptual field to make me offer an involuntary mental reaction, which they get weak at the knees about, because someone is paying them attention. In reality, no self-respecting law-abiding God-fearing decent civilian would urinate on them if they were on fire, let alone grant them breath in a mutual verbal exchange. In other words, I wouldn’t talk to them if my life depended on it.

I am about fit ready to burst into spontaneous combustion with rage whenever they slovenly salivate over any form of interaction with me, because without human acknowledgement their petty God punishes them. They are going for the insanity conclusion with me through despair. It’s honestly more humane to physically torture and kill someone. That’s how I am being treated. As less than the tortured; as less than the murdered. Being driven to suicide through menticidal anguish is, I believe, the worst fate than can overtake mankind. Even in all the limitless possibilities of thwarted destinies.

A friend of mine once likened it to a man sat on the same sofa as you who won’t leave you alone and can’t stop farting. He keeps scoffing meinz beinz Heinz (creamy tikka flavour) to sustain the flow of wind.

My understanding of 21^st Century [brain cognition torment] isn’t that too dissimilair, except the man on the sofa follows you to the toilet when YOU want to fart. In fact, he DASHES to the toilet so as you won’t miss him. And so as he won’t miss you. He claims that you owe him something for him allowing you to fart, claims that you shouldn’t be farting, claims that your farts smell worse than his, claims that you should be punished more for your farts, and claims that he himself has never farted in his life.

Next this complete and utter vermin of a bloke helps himself to that last piece of pastry slice you’ve been saving for yourself, being kept cool and refreshing in the pantry. He knows it’s your favourite and he knows you were looking forward to it, but he goes on ahead and nabs it anyway. He eats it very slowly right in front of you, savours it rather perversely in fact, then proceeds to lick each and every finger like a hotdog sausage double-dippered in mayo and chilli.

Incidentically, Peter Sutcliffe, aka The Yorkshire Ripper, is also further relatable through his other alias, the Yorkshire Double Dipper.

When he wasn’t dispatching of innocent women on the streets of northern England (my stomping grounds, although I only ramraid their backdoors in with a muffler over their cake hole, rather than puncture their top bollocks and slash my initials into their kidneys, or whatever other kind of demented behaviours it was he appropriated with ‘em).

He was active at buffets twin-dunking celery sticks in cottage cheese and coleslaw. He also made an ‘irreversible mess’ of some peanut butter and Nutella with the same breadstick. Said same breadstick ‘had form’ for pickle relish and mild salsa. That’s four foodstuffs on a single individual immersion utensil. Worse, it was shared between a ‘conspiracy’ of construction workers who weren’t wearing Corona gloves. Rather than sharing a camaraderie ‘onsite’ when mixing cement and lugging dense concrete common housebricks from one wheel barrow or garden trolley to another, these ‘ruffshod’ workies with the cracks of their arses on show were in fact total strangers who had never met each other.

Forgive me for going off on a tangent. I’m just disoriented by harassment. Peter Sutcliffe is only referred to as The Yorkshire Double Dipper by a few of us gossiping locals in the pub. He really had nothing to do with getting guacamole and mascarpone streaked out in his Dairy Lea Dunkers (Jumbo Tubes Edition), not upon this boardwalk of existence anyway. It's just a rumour. Partly invented by me. 

And why would he share a breadstick with workies?

The Mythology Of Mythos, A Lost Hitman

Hello there. I’m posting rather unexpectedly, from the local regional government offices. It’s strange, this town…they call me a dissident, they try to drive me away with a White Lives Matter rally, they insert assassination operatives in my property, they have me stalked, tracked and harassed by psychological torturers, yet at the same time they give me food vouchers and let me use their computers to keep me in touch with my legions of fans (my goal is to be big in Japan). A social worker even dropped by yesterday to see if I needed anything from the British Heart Foundation. The BHF is a local charity warehouse which caters for the under privileged. If you like two seater sofas, blingy bedside cabinets, second-hand mattresses and decorative pillows, then you’ll love their storage space. I accepted a boxful of some cutlery with pink plastic handles from the van driver’s mate, who apologised about having no decent SMART tellies in at the moment. It’s fine, I replied, I don’t watch telly. I stopped when I got lost in Lost, the series.

Remember Lost? The complete series contains 38 discs. I’d have more fun throwing them into a bird box than sticking them into my DVD player. You may not be aware, but I lost a novel I completed when I downsized my property several years ago. Well, I didn’t exactly downsize, I decluttered. An original manuscript named Hitman was ‘lost’. It was a curious old story of mine, as it fell under the genre of crime fiction. I won’t bore the pants off you by head-hopping unconstrained into it, but the ending was rather special, if I do so readily testify to myself. The hitman had a dual identity: He pulled a hit on himself. A suicidal bump, so to speak. I tried to write it well, by using a paperback thesaurus all the way throughout, making the language florid and embellished, how I like to do sometimes, to prove a private point that I cared particularly about this baby.

He was named Mythos. They brought out a lager in B&M stores called Mythos shortly afterward. I often enjoyed supping it while watching the junior soccer games situated in the club adjacent to my mental hospital at that time. I’d sneak out of the hospital to go and watch the kids playing while getting fuelled on a beer named after my fav character. The freedom of observing young’uns in skilful action after a night getting my ears burned by screaming patients was a much welcomed contrast. One moment I was holed up with lunatics taking turns to defecate on each other’s beds, they called it ‘Hiding the Malteasers’, the next I was under the ruffled sky, witness to nutmegs, shin deflections, goalmouth scrambles, and humorous attempted scissor kicks. Grassroots football, with beautiful children, is even more soul-lifting that the Premier League.

If a header goes wrong, and things do tend to go wrong in grassroots, we say that the culprit has a head like a Sherrif’s badge. Or a Starfish. Or a 50p coin. What’s your preference there? I can’t think of anymore.

Any[old ]way, the point I’m eventually getting around to making is that Mythos’ split personality, or fractured ego, had a terrible habit of making his victims watch all of Lost, the boxset. It was his MO of inflicting misery on them, after burdening them with house arrest. Apologies, I thought it sounded funny at the time. He also did some ghastly things like microwave budgies and nail-gun cats to trees. This is part of the reason why I don’t miss this dude. I do miss his beverage though. It was a tasty lager.

That’s me done here with you for now any[old]how. I’ve enjoyed spending a small section of time with you. It takes me away from the BS in my life for an hour or so. I like to get away from things. Here in the glass-walled governmental offices, I’m facing a marketplace, a cinema and a university centre. It really is a hotspot in town. I might come here to chill with you more often. Wish me luck through the long evening until we regroup tomorrow, gracious God willing.

Okay, that’s it. Good Bye for now. Keep fighting, hang in there, make me proud.

Sit Down & Read This For Free, Or I’ll Hit You With My Sword

I finished up ‘waffling’ at the end of yesterday’s post. I think I’m about done portraying the anomalies of viewing porn alone for so many years in the Seventh Circle. Many freakish occurrences have gone on, rest assured. Maybe I’ll never grow tired of sharing what has happened to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of it. Perhaps that’s my own brain protecting me, who knows?

What I’m certain of now is trying not to go back to it. I threw my television in the garbage can because not only was it bad for viewing porn, I thought that beings made out of electric current were teleporting through it to pay me unwholesome visitations for free. My mate Sam reported something similar to me, stating that goblins were travelling through her plug sockets. I saw these beings with my own eyes, but of course a quack wouldn’t believe me. So, I don’t own a TV. But one of my mates has said he’s got one in his hallway for me to take away. Plus the sex shop is open until 4 on a Sunday today. And I also found an old speed dealer’s phone number in my bedroom. Wahey! Party time in play!

This dealer and I haven’t spoken for years. I’d be surprised if the number was still in service. I’ve neither deleted the number or rang it yet. I’m not in two minds: I’ve decided that I’m not using. But the number has a lot of sentimental value. He was a dealer of mine for a long time. It would feel kind of nostalgic if I could get in touch with an acquaintance possessing familiar swag. I’d kick back behind closed doors to relax on my own, how I used to in the past. Except that isn’t much of a feasible option.

A useful ‘tool’ in addiction is to ‘play the tape forward’. I might score nice and sharpish off the dealer, should the number be still in use, and obtain a good result, but that pesky psychosis is only around the corner. Being a warrior of the Lord, capitulated by a drug comedown, and fenced in by sly shady spineless evildoers, is not a healthy situation, and one I could quite easily do without. They’re all over me like WiFi soup at the moment, and would be delighted if I slipped up on my mission and took my foot off the gas.

How do I steer off course? I hear you ask. Well, by trading all the love I have in this world for a night of sexual lust with a wrongdoer, which I hate to do. My enemies are virtually nothing without me on poisonous chemicals, obsessing over one of their own. I can’t see me using porn again, it’s been over a year, and I’m starting to fear what the creators of it would have in store for me after all this time. T[its] ‘N’A[rse] a plenty I’d say. Knock yourself out.

I intend to stay clean and focused, in a spiritual combative state. I’m getting psychically attacked from all sides, including novel angles, every moment of the day and night though. My friends are lining up to betray me, as it says in the bible. I am being duped by ALL members of the public, it feels like. They know my identity in full, identity In Christ, and they hate everything about me because of it, because I live in a lawless town of lawbreakers.

I think they are all jealous of a free spirit full of joy in touch with His Creator who doesn’t fear a single one of them. Now there.

Think about Christ. What chance have the rest of us got, if they executed God’s One and Only Begotten Son?

I’ve been in some sticky places in psychosis and the bible really helped me out, after scaring me sideward a little bit first, by telling me in no uncertain terms that I’d been a naughty boy and need to improve. So improve I have. I received some earth-shattering news from it last year. It told me who I was and what I was doing here. Now I am fairly sure that I have a biblical heritage to put it mildly. Whenever I go straight (on the clean and narrow) in accordance with some dates from the bible, I get rewarded spiritually. I’ve known this for some time and I’ve shared it here before. That’s why 30 days No Fap is big in the SA (Sex Addicts) community. I have my own string of important streak times and dates to adhere to. I’m on course again for notching up some decent clean time.

I have a Serenity Coin from the fellowship for abstaining from alcohol for three months. I treat it like the most special poker chip in the world. It’s such an important iconic token, I keep it in my wallet, removing it for inspection regularly. The crux is this: I have to return it to AA if I take a drink. That would hurt, as I’m getting used to showing it off to all my chums in recovery, most of whom lie about their streak length. I didn’t think I’d be able to give up drinking for so long, and I still don’t think I can keep on keeping on not drinking. The aim is to keep proving myself wrong.

It’s the same with the cigarettes. Three months away. These are even harder than the liquor. At least with beer, I can (and do) enjoy a non-alcoholic. People are always warning me about drinking this crap in pubs. They reckon I will fall for the real thing sooner or later. I’m more concerned about sharking two ciggies off some punter and chaining them around the back, or wandering to the offy to buy a 20 deck. I’m aware that I’ve expressed an interest in the solidity of my future by cancelling these habits. I’m ensuring I still have a functioning liver and set of lungs in the foreseeable. Should I relapse on these substances however, this summery unfolding of oxygenated clarity vanishes up in smog.

Pressure’s on then. Every day, as a TI being slowly tortured and murdered by state-sponsored terrorism, I feel like keeling over and reaching for the booze and fags. I feel like I’ve earned them. I wouldn’t blame myself, considering what I go through at the merciless hands of irreligious villains on a daily basis. That’s what makes it so appealing, because of how low I feel on a particular bad day, when the harassment is tuned up to full whack.

But then I simply ask myself, is being a fighting mercenary so bad? They only pick on the bright ones. My life has merit and meaning, honour and valour and dignity…if menticide can happen to me so easily than what’s to stop it happening to our kids? I have to rise up and be righteous. After all, it’s eternity that matters, not this ‘but a breath’ shenanigans beeswax down here on Earth.

More Celluloid Trickery

We were busy having a conversation yesterday about all the absurd fear-based gimmickry I’ve observed in the digital realm, while observing niche adult material. I described in slight to moderate detail a very small proportion of some of the madness I’ve experienced over the years. Being locked away in a darkened room, engulfed by community based operatives and the dark energies they attract, has took its toll on my sanity. At one point in time I was expecting anything to turn up on the screen. I started seeing pornographic actors who I recognised from the local boozer; even members of my own family popped up on some of the dodgy videos. I spent a lot of time avoiding the faces of the actors, it was all very awkward. One woman I became aware of in one scene was relieving men while bathing in a bathtub full of urine. I couldn’t be sure of what I was watching at the time. I thought I was imagining it. Surely it couldn’t be Miss Henderson from four doors up. The camera was clever and misleading. It was when I became aware that I might be viewing snuff movies that I started to panic ever so slightly. Who knew the true nature of these shocking movies? There was no blood, but there didn’t have to be to make me afraid.

Sometimes, a mere expression can unsettle you. Angry people are scary, for example. For one unhinged period all the actors were saying they were getting punished with pain by the director, and that I was going to hell for taking enjoyment in watching them. I would hear screams and yells of torment from my next door neighbour to reinforce the fear. I’ve still never asked him what the Billy Whizz goes on in there. He’d probably lie about it anyways, blame me about it all, and get me locked up for crimes I never committed, like he usually does. Do my neighbours ever stop writing police statements about me? They’ve even planted drops of blood on my clothing while absent from the apartment. Rule One of Mind Control: Accept your domicile as a perp walkway. Yes, they do come in. And you don’t have to be out for them to do so. What of it. Keep trepassing. I’ll catch you one day.

Because I was zonal on chems though I could never react rationally to all this zany tube fodder. I kinda just went with the flow and got lost in the gnarly knotty intricacies of my sexuality, pulled in by painted dolls and shapely studs. Meanwhile, the movie I was watching was beginning to remind me of a slasher movie, not a bluey. I wouldn’t say I was watching people dying on camera, nothing of the sort in plain eye, but I was perceiving all  manner of negative subject matter such as murder and bondage being transmitted through the footage, which I didn’t trust the authenticity of, via subliminal methods.

I’m not feeling very tempted today to revisit the so-called pleasure dome of sexual gratification. You may be aware that when I wasn’t watching hardcore on the PC I was involved in real female mantras from the other side of the wall. I don’t wish to give airtime to the lady in question but this particular type of self-abuse calls into play every aspect of my moral fibre. She is a sadistic masochist and her husband is a bloody marine of all things. He and his army friends take the time out to harass me now and again, trying to provoke me to run. They interrogate me in my own property and threaten me with lawful kidnap. I simply adopt a civil tongue and explain that I’m sorry for the adultery and implication in her curses but I wish to be left alone as a single man living solitarily as a peaceful law-abiding citizen. Sometimes it’s like being in the middle of a court hearing run by criminals.

There’ll be life and death here today, he says menacingly. I’m always strung out when they harass me.

I call all this naughty behavioural stuff rude voodoo. I’m trying to escape from its clutches by living cleanly and soberly, away from drugs and alcohol, which have a habit of nose-diving me back into the lecherous revelry of that world. I’m doing okay at the moment. I’m not a bad soldier considering everything I’ve been through. I thought I was merely a vegetable having out-of-body experiences in psychotic states, yet I now understand myself to be an agent of God been weaponized and activated for the real life combat I presently find myself quagmired in.

My oppressors thought they had me like a rat in a trap, catatonic and petrified and addicted to lust, enfeebled and exhausted and nothing but a plaything for their cruelty for the rest of my life, operating on a low vibrational frequency reading just like them. They called themselves black operative body snatchers who were above the law. They’ve had me incarcerated for nothing and medicated. Not to mention all the blasted rest of it. But look who’s calmly writing about what he is passionate about with joy in his heart, having the last laugh, while they break out in mild panic every time I deflect my attention away from them by talking to a fellow addict in the recovery centre for all of two minutes.

Pfft! Psychotronics, organized community stalking, slander, fake-assed mental health conditions, 24/7 reconnaissance and surveillance…all to run around with invisible suits on calling me names behind my back, praying earnestly inside their black hearts that I miss the next bus or trip over a banana skin. Apparently, they’d be set for life if I ‘hung myself’. Crikey, how long is that gunna take? I tried that already and botched the jobbie. All you need is some greasy slick rope, they advise, although they are unwilling to provide it themselves.

I’ve never been so happy though, now that I’m progressing in life with finances and vices and everything else, so why the bespeckled bejesus would I quit while I’m ahead? Just because a Chinese cannibal has decided he wants to be my best friend, and live inside the damp walls, despite not paying me a penny of rent, why should I get up and leave? I don’t much mind who invades my privacy, it’s been receiving rampant abuse for donkey’s years, I’m all but used to it. There’s really no big deal, don’t worry about it. Just turn off the dripping tap and switch off the lights.

None of your 21^st Century Soft Kill rattles me.

The other night I was in tears laughing my head off at his latest petty attempt to disrupt some personal merry event or other. I think he was busy hiding one of my socks. How can perverted monsters who nobody loves be so jocular at times? I think it’s because they are all impossible nobodies. It lowers my frequency to rub elbows with them, so I’ll avoid giving them airtime. They crave unparalleled attention, it makes them feel big instead of being overshadowed by my wits all the time.

They’ve promised to hijack this blog away from me. They don’t want me to have a single thought in my head. Their thought erasure and memory deletion is on the increase. But that’s enough about their deeds. Honestly. I can’t entertain wicked stupidity. They’re too depressing to ponder. I’m just glad that they are occupied with me, instead of some young girly teenager who can’t defend herself. Please, don’t worry, I’m a highly effective soldier specifically engineered for this kind of menticidal warfare. It’s difficult to swallow but I’m beginning to accept it. The main thing is harbouring virtues in your heart, which I do. Once you are overtaken by bitterness you want war with everything in the war. I want nothing but peace and harmony and goodwill, and most of all a nice vibration. I’m the happiest warrior who ever lived.

Someone said that ‘everything vibrates’ lately. When radiating/emanating soulful vibes, I believe that I’m giving Heaven a glimpse of what is to come. As long as I can resist their evil ways for another couple of years, I should be dandy. I have these years in my future, now that I’ve ditched the poisons (touch wood). So I can stand and fight for my joy. I can love and laugh, which is far, far beyond anything even remotely close to what these cowardly timid dimwits are able to do, and a truly beautiful option for the meek and wounded. Not weak and wounded, meek and wounded.

Now there. Go play.