More erotic dreams last night. All I recall are quivering female buttocks. This sets me in a mood for pornography. I get paid tonight, the boutique is open tomorrow, there’s nothing stopping me from rocking out. These masturbatory behaviors spell doom for me personally, once the illicit substances begin to wear off, as I am left alone on the bed behind a curtain with no hope for the rest of the day. There’ll be no pockets of joy in fine cuisine, no walks in the sunshine, no writing online to special readers, no public speaking in Pathways…and the cretins in my hallucinations will be laughing all the way to nasty jolliness, gleeful with tenacious torment.
Still, in saying this, the dopamine that rockets from adult material and drugs is a difficult bond to break. It’s all I want to do, I’ll be honest about things. My flesh feels very weak every pay day. I might buy some expensive trainers instead of narcotics and porn this time. It’s all still up in the air. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Maybe I could have a pad workout and lift some weights at home before thinking about getting back into the gym. That would be a critical U-turn at this important juncture. I can be sat on the floor jacking off to sexy ladies chomping on mens’ private parts or rejuvenate my blood iron in the sweathouse gymnasium, which makes me into a mass monster ready to smash everyone’s head in. I have a choice to make, and it’s not a no brainer. Women or muscle?
Already I wish all my pertinent decisions were done so I could reside in the surety of Heaven, surrounded in the protective blanket of the Holy Spirit, but unfortunately I have more slogging it out with demons to be done. I do not fear a knife welded on the end of an invisible arm, but a woman covered in make-up choking on a nob. I have a supernatural reaction to nude imagery which turns me into an empty vessel of a tossing-off creature for very many hours. My brain lights up and I can’t stop observing pornographic scenes. Why I buy them in the first place, from a reserved divine position of healthy clean time away, is a mystery.
If I resist today, it’s all over me the next, and if I get through that, then it’s waiting the following day, and so on. I feel like I need to go to the shop and at least look at the DVDs, to ease something churning deep within. I’m a highly sexual being and it’s been a long time since I viewed mature content. The absence has made my heart grow very fond, even though I know it’s unwholesome. I lie to myself, telling myself that it’s harmless, it’s not a grave sin, I’ll be okay, nobody is getting hurt.
Of course I’ll let you how it goes. Wish me luck. I wish you the best of it too, throughout your many undoubtful struggles.
