Apology Green Room

This is what I call the canteen in the drug clinic. One minute there’s a drunk kicking off over a brew from ‘keccle’, pass me that f**king keccle to make a f**king brew, (or batter), next we’re getting schooled in a master class about sociology and psychology by a tutor who has just finished for the day and is casually enjoying an off-the-record debate with some of us riff raff while on the way to her car. I’m sorry for referring to myself and my acquaintances as riff raff – scum – but the other week one or two of us were performing armed robberies on the corner shop, and stepping over our own kids in the Gutter Of Neglect for a bag of powdery white crap. _{Anything white for my conk.} Now we think we’re intellects because we’re rubbing elbows with someone who has two degrees. And, as an unusual by-product, some common sense to boot as well.  

I realised, while engaged in informal apology behind the scenes, that the dynamics of a social gathering play an important part in how people act. Never have I being so surrounded by superegos. They are everywhere. The smaller the person, it would seem to me lately, the more power hungry they are. It’s power this and power that every which way I turn. For me personally, something so temporary and fickle as the concept of power doesn’t occur to me, or, if it does occur, it’s jokingly.

For instance, that irate drunk who only wanted a calming brew ended up getting arrested by police who were called by staff. He wouldn’t leave the premises and got shirty. Who knows, an AMPH (Accredited Mental Health Professional) (repeats the word professional sounding _exasperated) might section him from the holding cell and deprive him of his liberty for six months or so. Every time I get arrested the AMPHs come out to see me, papers ready. It might be the same for him. Sectioned over a brew. I know the feeling. I get sectioned over things that don’t happen as well.

It was a debacle. Think my younger brother, who dies. Think George Floyd, who dies. Think rubbernecking shutterbugger who loves watching people becoming physically overcome. I’m not interested in a takedown, I'm an apologetic gentleman why would I be? but the staff threatened to lock me in the canteen green room so I couldn’t interfere with the procedure, just in case I turned violent. My main nurse locked me in a car one time, while she picked up my medication. I suitably got done with a case of claustrophobic paranoia and vowed never to let anyone ‘lock me in’ anywhere ever again. 

I'm locked-in quite enough with sleep paralysis every night. Damn my neighbour and his thru-wall maser gun. I might knock for the grunt and slay him.

I think they thought I was going to stand up for the drunk.

The police just kill you pal, what can I do? Not get involved is what. Or call more police for the police, I don't know.

Back to the power struggle. To the untrained eye, it might look like a normal conversation, with people taking turns to chip in with nuggets of wisdom, all friendly and courteous and polite: To me, however, it is anything but, rather a dog-eat-dog verbal fight to the death full of underhanded insults and bribes, until someone feels so mentally wounded under the surface that they clam up or walk away. Last one left standing wins. It’s people showing off knowledge rather than sharing it, telling long-winded jokes just to keep the limelight on them for a further three minutes, laughing at other’s mistakes instead of compassionately correcting them, and a whole other plethora of insider secrets far out of my own gullible and easily-led understanding.

Since when did simply ‘talking’ become a means contest?

Call me a lamb to slaughter. I’m only just now picking up on the ins and outs of the trade. I think I’ll continue to blank the power hungry vultures and stick to being open, reasonable, honest, and creative. Instead of simply being fast on my feet and snide.

It’s beautiful, the way they can’t make you like them, and the way they can’t be like you.

Thank God for that, at least.

💪Uploaded livestyle WWW by Andrew [representing] Gus Kidney

Is Suicide A Crime

# My mate got sectioned for hanging off a motorway bridge, attempting to take his own life, but he didn’t actually jump. Is this technically still an attempt, if you don’t make the jump, or a cry for help? Either way, he got detained and medicated.

# A cousin of mine threw himself frew a top window and got done for criminal damage. FACT

# If I cut my wrists open and lay there bleedin’ out, but got saved in time by the authorities, I can’t see them punishing me bruv. I been thru enough.

# Religiously, one cannot attend Heaven if pronounced unliving this way. It is permanent destruction of the Holy Temple, the second most precious gracious gift from on high, after the gift of consciousness.

# When I woke up after hanging myself from a banister I went straight to the garage for another bottle of vodka.

Response: What did you use, I heard greasy slick ropes are the only way to go.

Answer: A Frozen duvet cover. Disney Frozen, not actually frozen.

# I’m not surprised that this is the next biggest killer after cigarettes and alcohol.

Response 1: Cigarettes and alcohol don’t kill people. People kill people. And no I do not like guns.

Response 2: Cigarettes cause heart attack and alcohol causes strokes.

Answer: They both cause suicide.

Response 3: You don’t throw the towel in after a heart attack or a stroke. Where’s the survivor warrior mentality in that set of behaviours?

# My daughter suffers from bulimia. She overdosed on Ritalin and barely survived. Convinced she was rescued by angels in a long white tunnel. I hardly let her socialize with her mates out of the house now, only on special occasions like birthdays parties e.t.c. she’s firmly on a protective leash lol after nearly losing her. Does anyone know of a way to thank angels for their service? Would that be a cultish thing? Any angel whisperers out there?

            PS: (i love you) We celebrated with a bottle of expensive wine as a family unit when we got her back, it was a Rose called Whispering Angel wouldn’t you like to guess, Rose is also a special symbol to me, to us, to the collective, we went for a white rose flower too, meaning chastity and innocence, except we used additional artistically peeled tangerine skin to indicate zest and funkiness, Rose wine and rose petals yeah with fruit, we also had the bottle inscribed personally with lyrics from Adele’s fav song, “I wish I was more like Me, And less like You…” (she had a stalker) we’re keeping the empty bottle and saving it up with silver coin money to buy another couple of bottles whenever the next special occasion rolls around, hopefully when Adele’s stalker(s) get(s) caught, (he) (she) or (they) are making my daughters life miserlie, they target our house’s socials and postcode and telephone with bizarre late night messages the police are absolutely useless there are pretty much no laws covering the abuse we r getting dragged thru if only I could get my hands on:

Response: Your mingin badass lass ain’t getting no wispers she 2 spotty n zitty 4 dat I knows a place she can go 2 itz the end of my big fat knob to suk the jews out of it for the rest of her dayz ha get stoned with me bee atch.

Answer:________________(no reply)

# I wuz a headbanger into devil music and ket I lost 3 friendships to this, a permanent solution to a temporary problem, listen to gospel now and praise Jesuz cleen…

# survived self-murder five times, will keep tryin thou

# don’t wanna be here either, bills crap food n taxes

# Can someone help with my self-destruct button, it completely sabotages my whole existence ?????????????

# No.

# Write about the things making you depressed, a list of consequences should you continue down that road and a grats (gratitude) list also to remind yourself of positivity in life. There’s a diverse tapestry of opportunity in life you just have to search sometimes hard for it. Check out recommended self-help books attend a group to share your story grab a me-too block of personal private time to yourself and enjoy fine dishes of lovingly prepared rich tasting food exercise if you are able just a tiny bit is better than nothing even once and down up the field is lapping the couch potato doing jack all.

PS: Walk tall be happy dude keep smiling don't ever let anyone see you down people see you down it lifts them up that's why some wanna see you down more often than you'd prefer to be because it suits their agenda. They have no ability to lift themselves up because it takes talent to pick yourself up off the ground they are always on the ground because of their nature they enjoy been there they don't wanna be up and if they do its only to make you jealous to keep you down there in a jealous state they'll take jealous if nothing else only way for them to bear their own state of being if someone else is down in their own state. 

PSS: I tell everyone who asks me that i am doing swell today in this marvelous weather to me even the rain is liquid sunshine the crops need it to grow we'd all die if it didn't rain listen people man up there are wars going on for our emotions out there they are all we have our smiles and our cries the forces out there are so cruel they opt to steal our cries as well as our smiles so we can't cry about having no smiles.

Challenged

[137] [138] 139]

[140] [141] [142] √ 

Considering I enjoy a drink first thing in the morning I’ve been doing superbly well. I’ve just been apologising about how difficult it is to go the whole day crawling the walls inside a council flat without a few lagers. I know I should join a gym, before moaning, but still…four cans make a dire situation easier.

I got accused of ‘glorifying’ alcohol by the facilitator. This is a big no no. Honestly, I wasn’t, I was just trying to make it clear how hard it is to go without your best friend. It was a reasonable challenge to my statement, but everything I say lately attracts challenges from others around the table, it seems. They pounce on my word game because I’m a threat to their fakery. A challenge intervenes your syllabic flow and changes the subject to the challenger’s agenda. Anyone could challenge anything just to be a spoilsport.

___________________________________

For example: “I just can’t cope lately. I lost my brother. Lethargy and persistent thoughts have knocked him over the edge. He was on the Liverpool Pathway (end of life care).” CHALLENGER: “How can you be sure he’s dead?”

____________________________________

Does it matter? Does anything matter? Because he died in my feckin’ arms. Just let me get to the juicy bit! People say anything to interrupt. When you’ve waited an hour to apologise in a room full of tension with plenty of strangers and powerful superegos it’s not easy to start speaking. A newcomer might be relying on you. You might want to use your experience to help a youngster who is struggling to share.

I usually have a couple of topics identified in my head to discuss to the group. I give my speeches names. Bored Grief might be one. Faithful Gratitude may be another. I do this only to remind myself of what I’ll be on about, in case I forget. Because I do forget. My mind goes blank sometimes. I blame all the residue of chemicals lodged on my brain stem. I used to do talks called Depressive Medicated Slumber Gym when I felt more up to it. Or Upbeat Insomniac Crafts Therapy.

These days I’m challenged as soon as my trap opens and shut down for good. Just don’t mention Painted Dolls Legs Akimbo, Assassin Bed Sharp Mandibles, or Stealing Of Nanny’s Purse.

Women are freezing me out on purpose in the group by taking calls and leaving the room and making strange signals to the facilitator in my peripheral vision and then expecting a hug when it’s over. It’s full of conmen, clones and doubles mate. An elderly lady dropped her walking stick on purpose just to interrupt my flow. They stand up and ruffle their coats to distract me. One woman started playing with the bin for some reason. The world renowned famous jangle of keys is not dead yet either. That old chestunut’ll never run out of fashion. It doesn’t sound like much but in a silent room where people are concentrating it makes its cumulative mark. Especially if you know that it’s all about you! And they know too! Of course they know, or they wouldn’t be doing it!

The classroom is like a government experiment with me in the centre.

Good news – it’s easily stopped. You just raise your voice and demand they quit being immature. But then they report you for being passive-aggressive. I’m the one with the record so I’ll be first out the door, no one will believe me. And there’s no such thing as a thug apologist. We’re all gentlemen at the end of the day. This is England, for Christ sakes. I may be black, with a history of uncontrolled serial thrill-killer sprees in Chelsea beer gardens, but I talk rather eloquently when I’m not falling over my thick tongue and I have 11 (yes 11!) G.C.S.Es.

Plus I enjoy it. So stop freezing me out and let me talk!

They even make people scream within earshot to freeze me out. This is no joke. Torture follows me around and I can’t do anything about it. Call me dim, but I still don’t know, even after all these years, if it is in my head or the shady isolated rooms above and around me. I often tried to follow it to its source, to no avail. Now I ignore all.

Apparently, when I was younger, my stupidity cheered people up. I still have no idea what is going on in the world. Perhaps you can tell by the quality of my writing. I spill my guts to you guys and where does it get me? Google knowing everything about everything concerning my backdated porn stash in the shoebox in the attic, that’s where.

I have helicopters parked on the field, spying neighbours, UFOs above my house, invisible men in futuristic suits in the kitchen, black ops, and a demon and a ghost and a spectre or two hanging around my person, every minute of every day. This is mental, but the general public are no ease on the strain, as they huff and they puff and they curse my mood away with their spite and their insults and their general animosity.

Isn’t life a bowl of cherries, eh? And they have a pill for this. C l o p i x o l. Remarkable.

Just to rewind a moment – there’s nothing wrong with glorifying alcohol. I think you’ll find its common in comedian’s stand-up shows. My best story involves drinking a bottle of whiskey and falling asleep on a pre-warmed electric blanket. I forget to turn the blanket off and baked myself to toast overnight. My mouth was like an ashtray in the morning. My organs were overheated, I was profoundly dehydrated, it was certainly no jubilant period of rest. I’d passed out for Lord knows how many hours with a lie-in to polish the occasion off. 

Psychic Brain Attack

I couldn’t find a Mind Weaponry For Dummies Book, but I do have a few ideas on what I’d like to use on my in-laws, should I ever get the chance. Here’s for when they are falling asleep and starting to snore in tandem on my sofa when the baseball is on.

 #WhackHammerThunderClapDetonator…Control Kit ₀45:

This device can usher in 200 dB (decibels) bang-slap between a poor human being’s eardrums, the sound effect of a nuclear device. Note: can be adjusted accordingly so as not to make them permanently deaf. Best utilised when they are drifting off into Stage 1 sleep. Scrutinise them from a safe and guarded location until they are just about to doze…and then press the button with your mind via Brain Computer Interface (BCI). Guaranteed to shock them into another dimension.

One comment on WhackHammerThunderClapDetonator_Control Kit ₀45

“My Granddad, when I used this on him as an experiment, spilled his tea.

His cap also fell off. He couldn’t stop curtain twitching all afternoon.

He thought it was a real bomb. He thought we were being invaded."

#GiantDraculaPork

ChilliArseWorm_edition 2.2

Add extra spiky bristles**Increase temp**Chute Depth**Shooty Lava Jet**Sharp Move. Just several changeable factors on this telepathic rascal. Victimise your enemies with the latest edition. They will surely be keeping the toilet paper in the fridge if not fingering themselves with an ice cube.

One Comment on GiantDraculaPorkChilliArseWorm_edition 2.2

“I had this used on me by my ex. He said he was controlling it with his mind.

It felt like a midget was drawing concentric circles on my A-hole with a throwing star.

While the whole thing was on fire. I had to sit in a cold bath at one point.

Fortunately we got back together so now he lets me use it on other people I don’t like.” 

#SelfishConkJobbie_1000+

Over a thousand olfactory hallucinations emanating from more BCI tech. Read from an index and “think” the odour into your target’s brain, then watch him gag as he comprehends rotten eggs, stinky poo, festering fruit, blocked drains, or low tide.

One comment on SelfishConkJobbie_1000+

“Best aroma on there was the salmon one

It got stuck up Darrel’s conk.”

 If I can think of any more neuroweapons I’ll let you know. Being a deviant with imaginative ways to hurt someone isn’t my forte. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d just batter them. Sitting next to them from behind neighbour’s walls until they fall to sleep and then getting the masers out doesn’t appeal to me. Cooking their internal organs seems a bit excessive because they cut you up in traffic. Who knows why people are out there wounding their fellow man clandestinely, for years and years on end. I’d say it was because they are bored, lonely, obsessed, repetitive and unwanted, probably. But hell, who am I to guess?

____________________________________

/If you are having terrible things perpetrated against you then hold tight and don’t give up hope. Quit all your vices and ignore them. They feed on your reaction so bite your lip they aren’t worth the wastage of your breath. I tried to talk them down for years got me nowhere, I was open and honest and respectful they don’t care about the words you use, only that they are being entertained, hence the word bored, sooner or later they just bounce back on the pain grab, they’re addicted to your suffering and cannot live without your interactions with them. Simply tell them no you are not interested. They go all mad when you do this and start flapping for attention. Then you see them for what they really are: Desperate no marks who couldn’t make it in real life so had to engage in zerzetzung (decomposition of the human soul). Eventually they try to spoil your every peaceful moment, so what does that say about them. Tip: Focus on Heaven it drives them nuts/

 

Morningtide

Dreamy Winter,

silent Land Zone: Demilitarized

"The Rachael, The Shack"

O n e  i n h a b i t a n t

/sunny sash window/unwatered peace lily indoor plant tilted against wall/radio playing underground pirate station music/dripping tap/_________(more details to be added later)

____________________________________

I wake up in the morning with fear. I’m not sure exactly when I arise from the dreams. I think that I start to awake while still trapped within them. It seems like a better idea to stay sleeping. The idea of looking at the clock scares me. It might still only be the small hours. I may have to face entering the dreamscapes again. Reluctantly I peer at it.

Seven am. That’ll do. What a relief. Yet I continue to lie there, afraid of the day, both unwilling and unwilling to swing my feet out. I’m disorientated, I’ve got memory loss, for several long stretched-out moments I have no idea who I am. This feeling permeates deeper. I have no general clue of where I’ve been. It’s as though the restfulness of the night has wiped my brain.

I say restfulness, but the dreams and dreamers within were filled with fitfulness. I do not raise myself up refreshed, but tired beyond words, jumpy beyond description. The day stretches out before me like a hard shoulder with obstacles, a assault course with monsters, I’ll do well to get anywhere with that.

The presumption that I’ve been here before, that I recognise this difficulty, is suffocating, like the blanket I use to cover myself. The mattress feels alien, years-old and too-soft and definitely too familiar. But a new bed wouldn’t help. It’s more than that. It’s this emotion before leaving the sheets, this anticipation of the first situation developing.

Am I in Hell? I wonder. The neighbours are quiet. Sometimes they knock on the wall in accordance with my thoughts. Have I relapsed?

It takes a moment to be sure I haven’t. I breathe more easily. I remember, in one of the dreams, having to drink a pint’s worth of pharmaceutical tablets, all of them psychoactive, washed down with another point of alcholol. Reality wouldn’t be fair if the effects of the dream carried over. So, I’m clean and sober...for the day.

I recall being Brownie Adams while asleep, a different woman to the one I am now. My confusion is off the scale. Life is easier as Brownie. I might have a lie-in and stay safe for longer. I may never arise whatsoever.

<Sod it> I think, and get up. The option of a hot black sweet coffee along with some fresh air from the open patio revives my lagging motivation. For a instant there I was squashed underneath the world, drowning in a doozy doze. Fortunately the sun is up,

it has all the hallmarks of a lovely day.

Poetry Gig

_____________________________

Just found this. I'm too embarrassed to watch it. It dates from 16 years ago! If you think I am ugly here, then you should see me now. I'm a lot fatter, but I've grown back some curly afro hair, which lets me look like Denzel Washington. If I remember correctly, the poetry was simplistic. See how crap I used to be! I'm much better now, I dig deep with it. My latest good one was called 'Effing Matter. 

A day or two before this event, I lost my little brother in police custody. Of course it was devastating, the manner of the loss more so than the loss itself. The night before this was filmed, i was off my head on coke. So you are effectively seeing a dehydrated thick-tongued Day One Relapse/Recovery in motion. With a good old dolloping of bereavement. Plus some dodgy hostiles turned up in the crowd and made it hard for me (yes, I was getting stalked way back then). I should not have done it, but tickets had been sold.

I'm probably making a mistake posting this vid here, it's not my usual kinda thing, but I'm thinking about my nieces and nephews in the future, if maybe they can have at least one visual link to me when they are older, and if they happen to be remotely interested in their Uncle Andy. It's nice to have at least one video of yourself to be remembered by, I'm reasoning, but maybe I'm wrong on that score too, and complete anonymity is the best way.

I've peered on YouTube, and if you scroll down I'm 'affiliated' with Kerry Katona and Peter Hitchens. No, c'mon, don't give me that, seriously, it's important who you get mentioned in the same breath with! Not bad , eh!!!???

A Vista Over Perceptibility

by DB TINKerbell

I do hope you'll appreciate my selection of jpegs for the slideshow. I picked them myself one Sunday afternoon after winning the cup with macca. Another story.

 

Bite-Sized

🥽 forgot my goggles can't go swimming they are the big ones which cover the whole eye socket by far more vision mate I can swim faster underwater i swear

🎪🤹 circus was great Davina was there she is officially the Queen Of The Beasts. putting her head into the lion's jaw, sitting on crocodiles, setting her hair on fire, swallowing swords, she is like a dozen performers rolled into one

💅🤞 wish me luck with the painted doll tonight I'm hiring one for the whole hour (you don't cook every pie for an hour lol) i do it in three semesters 1. oral 2. fingering. 3. sucking don't you knock it now until you tried it 

🦊 just missed my first fox yesterday evening Dogshit Barry said there was one rolling in vomit on the six penny field they do that to disguise their scent roll in anything apparently never seen one in reality though in all honesty i ran over but it had gone

🦡 my mate badger the great is a jedi knight who has flipped to the dark side because he got sick of being a prophet

🦍 his favourite creature is a gorilla nothing to do with Kong

🏇 National was prime I WON AGAIN gladiator fav movie of all time i am the father to a wounded goat the brother to an invalid son and the uncle to a retarded princess nobody but nobody shall stop me now

General Originator Division

 ⺊ ₲ Ṑ Ḏ ⺊

→ 🅶ood ⭕rderely 🅳irection

→ 🅶reat ⭕ut 🅳oors

→ 🅶enerator ⭕perator

   🅳estructor

→ 🅶rand ⭕rganizing 🅳esign

→ 🅶entlemen ⭕f 🅳istinction

→ 🅶rand ⭕mnipotent 🅳ivinty

[non] (sense)

 

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﴾﴿_ﷺﷺ^ﷺ💜ﷺll∑̿͠͡ˋʬ12345678919⁴

just finishing up in the library now then going the circus {w{*}h{*}e{*}e{*}l{*}o{*}f{*}l{*}i{*}f{*}e

off for pimms with catherine zeta jones {w{*}h{*}e{*}e{*}l{*}o{*}f{*}l{*}i{*}f{*}e

~ # ~

doing fine just being provoked

very irritating

very problematic

they want a reaction

hanging in there

not losing my mind

thinking of jackin' it all in

and flittin' off to H e a v e n  one day...

just be there for me, if you would, OK?

I've always believed in 'you'

the inside never betrays the out

you opened the door for me once before

Cheery Lettering

 

Wide Open

 

ꭏIIu<>>ﬓ><ﬔ><@👽EFﬖFOﬗ{_(*ffl~@💋}+HﬓI””£ﬔDﬕEﬖ(())ﬗꭏui())fflﬓﬔ___💑__ﬕ+_ﬖﬗꭏ><fflﬓﬔ>💔<>_________________👰________________________

__________________________________________

***i'm currently wide open in the blogosphere, but don't worry, i'll never turn into a snob and start selling you anything. sorry if you sell anything! i've waited all my life for this, getting accepted by [my] [some] peers. it started writing in front of the tv with my big lovely sis drinking after the salon, she always blasted loud music after the makeover to celebrate transformation into a butterfly, what are you doing, she said, i'm entering a different world, i responded, oh yeah, hell yeah, how are you doing that, by taking my mind out of its encasement, brain transplant she said, our shared words are a psychic coding system for leaving our encasement, don't come into mine she said, weird innit, how i remember convos with my sis from years ago when i learned how to write, coz i was mulatto with wings, and i could do it***

<ﬕﬖﬗꭏ🙉fflﬓﬔﬕ👻🌒JKLHgOﬗꝎ><><ꝏꝌꝖO>< Ꝏꝏ

Chosen Message

 ꭏIIuNEVﬓERﬔASKEFﬖFORﬗHELPfflFROMHﬓITHEﬔD

AUTHORITIESﬕEﬖTHEYﬗꭏuiAREfflﬓﬔPARTﬕOFﬖﬗꭏTHEfflﬓﬔGAMEﬕﬖﬗꭏfflﬓﬔﬕJKLHgOﬗꝎYOURꝏꝌꝖOWN ꝎꝏWAYꝌꝖ ꝎFINDꝏꝌꝖkljTHEꝎꝏꝌ

HOLYꝖ ꝎꝏSPIRITꝌꝖ ꝎꝏꝌꝖ 𓏑𓏅𓏄𓏃amen𓏂𓏁𓏆𓏆𓀬𓀆𓀄𓀃꧓꧒꘩꘨꘧꘦꘥꘤꘣꘢꘠൬൫௫௬੬൮൯ 

Signed: Ꜳ (Appropriate Adult)